| Jan 24 @ 9:09 PM |
Learning to Leave
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GraceUnderFire747
Posts: 226
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You’ve fantasized about it. Maybe you’ve shared the idea with your friends or family. Perhaps you’ve threatened.
Yet you still stay with them.
One day, though, the certain knowledge that you are totally, completely, unquestionably DONE with the relationship smacks you upside the head.
Those of us who have initiated a break-up understand exactly what I am talking about. Somewhere there is a trigger-point, maybe something we can’t even put our finger on: it might be yet one more nasty remark… or a relatively minor “incident”… a chance remark from a friend … a sudden spark of “chemistry” with someone you meet … and suddenly it no longer matters if the OP walks on water, wins the lottery, or is willing to fulfill every sexual desire you ever had. You don’t care if you have to live in poverty. You’re happy to deal with the disapproval of friends and family. In that moment, thoughts of going to Hell, splitting up the “stuff”, or sharing the children are not irrelevant … but are no longer horrifying.
It is OVER … and absolutely nothing anyone can say or do will change it. Period.
Chances are there is little or no emotion involved… only the question “Now what?”
Now you plan.
At the bottom of the list is actually telling them. In the meantime, you quietly plot your escape, and enjoy the giddy feeling that the resurgence of hope puts back in your life. For some of us, mapping out the game-plan took months or years. When you will escape is not nearly as important as the fact that it is, without any question, in your future.
One day, at last, the time to actually leave has come … unless you’re planning to use one of the Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover (hop on the bus, Gus – no need to discuss much…) you now have to say something.
It was late September, 1982, and my apartment move-in was scheduled for October 1st… I still hadn’t mentioned I was leaving. My ex- , who had become increasing unstable and was prone to violent bursts of temper, was sitting in the kitchen watching television, the smoke from his cigarette curling up around his head. I walked into the kitchen, towel drying my hair, and he said “What’s up with you anyway? Lately you’ve been acting … weird.”
“I’m moving out October 1st. I need some space, some time to think.”
“Oh.” He turned back to the TV.
That was it. Easier than I’d thought. I didn't dare tell him it was permanent - he hadn't done it yet, but my instincts told me I could have ended up with some serious injuries.
It wasn’t until after I’d moved out, and he realized that my paycheck and the maid service was gone, too, that it sunk in. It was too late. It had been too late for over a year.
I was more blunt with my second ex- (yeah, can’t seem to learn, eh?). I’d been miserable for most of the 17 years we’d been married; I’d been serious about leaving for the prior 18 months, thinking and planning. The scum had refused to work for six years. I announced to him one day that I was scheduled for a layoff in six weeks, and he HAD to get a job.
“No. I’m RETIRED.” (Let me point out here, he had “retired” at age 46, with a hefty pension – and had never contributed a dime of it towards the household expenses.)
It was time. Plan your work, work your plan.
“Fine. The first default notice we get, I’m filing.”
He nodded.
Easy.
In both cases, I’d never thought telling them would be as easy as it was. If I’d known, I would have left earlier.
There are some of us out here who are “stuck” – who know they are leaving, wanting desperately to get it over with, but just don’t know what to say. In the spirit of friendship and caring – it’s time to help those folks out. I’ve just shared my story … its time to share yours.
Once you decided to leave, how long was it until you actually DID it? What did you say? Did you invite them to dinner and quietly tell them they were history? Wait until a fight erupted, and then said “That’s it! I’m outta here!” Move out first, and leave them a note on the kitchen table?
Tell us.
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| Jan 25 @ 12:46 AM |
Learning to Leave |
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daisy315
Posts: 4,946
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after the worst beating my step son gave me.. I told my husband that I knew I would die if I stayed.. I moved that week.. left everything behind except a few clothes.
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| Jan 25 @ 1:06 AM |
Learning to Leave
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burnslikethesun
Posts: 13,027
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lil bastard.
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| Jan 25 @ 1:39 AM |
Learning to Leave |
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daisy315
Posts: 4,946
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yup Burns.. and nearly 20 years later, he still is.. he will be getting out of prison in about 8 years.. as a registered sex offender. 
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| Jan 25 @ 4:56 AM |
Learning to Leave
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GraceUnderFire747
Posts: 226
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Wow, Daisy... I'm glad you got out alive... I agree with Burns, what a little SOB.
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| Jan 25 @ 4:58 PM |
Learning to Leave |
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jamminjerry
Posts: 4,085
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sadly, there are no men in your life. we be jammin 
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| Jan 26 @ 12:05 AM |
Learning to Leave
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GraceUnderFire747
Posts: 226
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Ah, Jerry... if that comment was directed towards me, you haven't read my profile ... not only am I firmly "attached" ... I have a queue...
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| Feb 10 @ 10:48 AM |
Learning to Leave |
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angel_eyes63
Posts: 12
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I am at the stage of fantasized about it and shared idea with my son and im still here. I guess I havent gotten to that trigger point yet. My emotions are swarming and not sure what to do but yet a small part of me does know. Wish the answer would appear.
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| Feb 11 @ 11:31 AM |
Learning to Leave
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Timber52
Posts: 11,893
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AE.. you will know and act when it is time..
in November of '98
my sister called me one day..
we were talking about how unhappy we were..
I told her I was tired of fighting it..
I was just going to live like I was until I die..
which I did not think would be long..because of the stress..
my sister goes.. no.. you are going to get a divorce..
I dreamed it..a nd my dreams always come true..
I go.. no.. y ou are wrong..
I have tried and tried to leave..and he always talks me into staying..
I'm tired of the fight..
no kidding.. this is a true story..
from the time her and I had that conversation..
and she told me she dreamed I would divorce
and her dreams come true..
and I told her.. she was wrong..
My divorce was final in approx..3 or 4 weeks from that day..
not started.. but final!!
so.. as much as you don't think you know what you are doing..
when you finally have enough..
you will act so fast.. his head will spin!!
I have been down a lot of roads..
I wish I hadn't ..
Good Luck!! 
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| Feb 11 @ 11:50 AM |
Learning to Leave |
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angel_eyes63
Posts: 12
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Thanks so much for sharing your story. It helps to know there are others who understand what im going thru because they have been there. I know the answer will come after the confusion, hurt, and anger start to fade and I am able to truely search my heart. Its hard right now tho because I flip back and forth between wanting to work it out and knowing its probably time to leave. He is a very difficult man to deal with, he is very selfish and I really dont think he cares about anyones feelings but his own. I have decided to go to my oldest sons(mine from a previous marriage) for two weeks to think about this situation. I feel I cant do the thinking I need when he is there to influence my feelings everyday, he is good at manipulation.
Thanks again it really does help to have someone to talk to who knows!! 
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| Feb 11 @ 1:10 PM |
Learning to Leave
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Timber52
Posts: 11,893
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Many times.. I would sit with a piece of paper..
I would on one side.. write his good points (obviously.. they have good or we would totally be out of our minds to stay LOL)
on the other side.. I'd write the bad..
then I would sit and just study it..
think about how long the bad has been going on..
any changes..
do I want to deal with it anymore..
is the good.. good enough.. to handle the bad??
my mind would always tell me.. no.. things will never be any different..
oh.. maybe for a bit.. but it is always.. same ole same ole..
my trouble was.. the good was very good.. but the bad was very bad.. it was like he was two different people.. I always hoped the good would win over the bad.. but it never happened..
I will tell you one thing though.. it is lonely alone.. but not near as lonely as being lonely with someone.. and the stress level is much lower!! 
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| Feb 11 @ 1:26 PM |
Learning to Leave |
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angel_eyes63
Posts: 12
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Timber
Thanks so much for you input. You know I have actually thought about making a list of the good points and bad points but just havent done it yet. I think when im at my sons I will. You have given me so much help with what I am dealing with and I do truly appreciate it, you are a blessing. Thank you so much!!!! 
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| Apr 17 @ 6:38 AM |
Learning to Leave
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JustSayin873
Posts: 3
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Breaking up sometimes it's escaping a total down fall..
Had a friend..Yea, a friend anyhow...that was dating a guy for the first mo in a half it was wonderful then for the following month said they were just friends... But down the road he's not sayin that they wouldn't be in a serious relationship. He's just not ready to fall in Love. As soon as he knew she was vested he began to pull back and he started to give her these highs n lows kinda like I lov you I don't... yea, she wised up after finding his new profiles stating he was looking for true love. awww. well needless to say the excuse was I was depressed and just venting.OK, she give him one because he talked to her that night and she knew what was up. but then she kept having doubt and well she tried to brush it off, but that evening she decided to email him and accidentally hit on his picture and wow his "hidden" MS profile was now visible (he didn't allow her to be on his friends list cause of a previous bad experience so he said, hu hua) anyhow, she happened to find a lovely comment from another lady friend (a new friend) kinda throws out his theory of why he wouldn't allow her on his pg. (They had previously agreed not to seek other partners due to the potential of a serious relationship and the fact that they were exclusive to each other) anyhow after finding his new lady friend she got this urge to check another personal site and low n behold Yes, he was Looking for Love again and she learned a lot more abt him very accurate. So, of course her heart broke she text him to never contact her again never call her.. Then it's all what are you talking about, why what did I do, oh, i was joking with someone on there, stop tripping... why do I have to explain myself this is why I hate this shit, I don't need this drama in my life...Blah Blah Blah... he continued to email but she continued to reject him so then his real self came out.. Crap Thank God she was on the other side of a computer. Crazy but his last emailed words showed her his true self, she was so stunned that it took the heartbreak away as quickly as it had come. Just Friends apparently a word so that someone can use another person guilt free. Never had he cussed at her but this email all he did was cuss at her and put her down because "she's the type of person who has all the loved" (yea he used that as a put down) yet, he still had the nerve to tell her they always made love. WTF, he used her how can he say that? He always built her up then throw her down and why am I telling this cause it needed to come out and maybe it will help someone else. She has so much anxiety as I type these words she couldn't vent where she normally would cause he said he would watch her. (that email was rough and never had this person showed her that side of himself )
Now that it's all written she sees it even more clear and she's even more Thankful she was saved. Learning to leave can save you!!
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| May 20 @ 9:46 PM |
Learning to Leave |
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plowman
Posts: 1,283
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I can understand the feeling OP expressed about reasons why anyone would leave someone...except I don't believe in divorce and if a spouse ever experiences a sudden spark of "chemistry" with someone they meet, then I don't support that as a legitmate reason to leave a marriage. This is a throw away society we live in anymroe and people are too damm used to always getting things their way, the easy way. Everyone all wants their piece of the pie without having to make any sacrifices, and are too quick to either let go, or not take the time to really know someone and discover if they are worth their effort. I'm not saying the OP didn't have her good reasons though, so please don't get me wrong, and I'm not saying she left them bums without cause.
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| Jun 2 @ 11:36 AM |
Learning to Leave
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scorpiogirl36
Posts: 4,002
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You go Plowman..my exact sentiments
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| Jun 2 @ 4:04 PM |
Learning to Leave |
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1frantastic
Posts: 49
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sometimes when they have gone...you are the one that has to learn to "leave" feelings alone...not to visit them in your mind...not to wish understanding had taken place....LEAVE things just as they are...he is gone....
and remember him as the romantic Don Juan who spake romantic verse..romantic verse to spout amongst the fair maidens and to be there to catch them as they wilt before his words do so give them the vapours!
and picture him as he truly is...not as his pictures of yore portray him to be....
then reality of the LEAVING can be a positive thing! 
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| Jun 2 @ 4:17 PM |
Learning to Leave
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Merchitown
Posts: 6,130
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if a spouse ever experiences a sudden spark of "chemistry" with someone they meet, then I don't support that as a legitmate reason to leave a marriage. This is a throw away society we live in anymroe and people are too damm used to always getting things their way, the easy way. Everyone all wants their piece of the pie without having to make any sacrifices, and are too quick to either let go, or not take the time to really know someone and discover if they are worth their effort.
Interesting concept...
I have left my marriage due to what on the outside would appear as a sudden spark of "chemistry." That, of course, was not the reason why I left, that would be symptom of a deeper underlying issue. No, I did not cheat on him. It was a mutual understanding that the best way to deal with this issue was to go our separate ways.
In no way was this easy and yes, this decision was made with a great deal of sacrifice, mostly on my part. It's rather easy to make generic statements such as this but rarely does it fit the whole.
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| Jun 2 @ 10:50 PM |
Learning to Leave |
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ablessedlady
Posts: 110
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Great thread Op. Many people know it's over but won't/can't make the break.Good subject I enjoyed reading the posts,but did not enjoy reasons some had to leave  . Very sad indeed.
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| Jun 5 @ 4:39 PM |
Learning to Leave
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ColdinWisconsin
Posts: 9,987
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One morning you roll over an remember what your life used to be like before they came into it and you realize....it was so much better back then.
It's a door swinging gently closed and it's done. Over.
And you begin to pick up the pieces and create a new life for yourself.
It's incredable.
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| Jun 7 @ 6:41 PM |
Learning to Leave |
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scorpiogirl36
Posts: 4,002
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I think everyone has to reason with themselves as to "why" they stay in a relationship that doesn't make them happy. Otherwise, we have the tendency to make the same mistakes over and over and get the same result.... 
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