| Jun 25 @ 11:43 AM |
Why do people do this? just venting
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sunkistsweety
Posts: 3
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Sorry I am new but have to vent and ask myself and others WHY?
Why be with someone telling them you love them but constantly be out looking for someone else and treat the person you are with like crap? And when you are caught red handed why lie and get nasty and violent?
I just ended, well sort of ended a year long relationship. I came to this site to work on meet new people and date when I feel the time is right, because I know it wouldn't be right away on here.
What I mean by sort of ended is at the time I was planning on kicking him out after he supposedly went on a camping trip over the weekend he was out with another woman the entire time. It wasn't the first time he did something like that but he was caught before he actually met her. I must say things were perfect in our relationship until then. 6 months perfect actually. Once he was caught he denied it and yelled and screamed at me, calling me every name imaginable. I should have kicked his @$$ out then but he made me feel sorry for him. Things only went downhill from there.
I guess a guilty conscious makes people blame others. I was suddenly accused of cheating on him and not loving him enough when all I did was wait on him hand and foot. I am a one man woman and I don't play games.
All I can say is I am so relieved that it is over. I was upset at first but now am exceptionally happy. I was sick of walking on egg shells around him. I always made him mad, so he said and he would lose his temper and throw things at me. He once held my puppy by her throat against the wall asking how much I loved my little dog. I now look back and realize he was completely psychotic but it is hard when you put everything into something like that and you have guilt constantly laid upon you. He was good at that, there were many times I would sit in a room alone wondering what I did do to upset him. One minute he could be joking and picking at me, the next if I tried to joke back he would fly off the handle. Once while I was driving he had been poking me with a toothpick and I splashed a little bit of water on him. Not like I soaked him and we had had water battles before. For some reason it didnt settle right with him and he threw a large cup of sweet tea in my face. Not from the side but straight in front of me, cup and all while I was driving. Usually when he would lose it I admit I got scared because it seemed all human nature in his eyes would disappear and it would look empty and crazy and he would just scream at me telling me it was all my fault. When he did things like that he would want to visit my parents the next day, usually bearing nice gifts. I guess in case I decided to call and let someone know what was going on...but I never did.
So yes I am very happy and relieved to be out of it. He has now tried to spread around to people that I cheated on him. Luckily I think everyone knows he blows smoke out of his ass and they don't believe him. I am just now regaining the friends I used to have that he kept me from. For some reason he didn't want me speaking with many people. The people I did know he tried to tell me he knew too and had bad things to say about them.
So why is it that when one is guilty they do all in their power to say you cheated and place all blame on you? I have lived and learned. I will never stick in a situation like that again, nor will I give a second chance to a cheater no matter how violent and ignorant they get when confronted.
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| Jun 25 @ 2:49 PM |
Why do people do this? just venting |
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ou29
Posts: 10
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I am just glad you woke up to the fact at what kind of person he is. You don't need that, there are a lot of good guys out there. He is trying to make you fell guilty, don't let him.
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| Jun 25 @ 10:32 PM |
Why do people do this? just venting
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signme
Posts: 12,578
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A lot of people do not take responsibility for their own actions. He got caught, couldn't handle it, so decided to make you feel guilty instead. I'm glad you're moving on.
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| Jun 25 @ 10:40 PM |
Why do people do this? just venting |
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scorpiogirl36
Posts: 4,002
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I'm sorry to say, but it's the way of the internet...they do it "because they can"
I could have written your words. 
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| Jun 26 @ 1:58 AM |
Why do people do this? just venting
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beckyiv42000
Posts: 14,576
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Its because they think they can get away with it and by taking them back they CAN... Im glad you realized how wrong what he was doing was... people who truly love and care for their mates do not do any of the things you mentioned.. good luck in the future  
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| Jun 26 @ 9:15 AM |
Why do people do this? just venting |
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katydid438
Posts: 8,019
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Please take care of yourself and be alert. Men like you have described can become very dangerous when rejected. I've had some real life experience concerning this type of behaviour with a niece....RIP
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| Jun 26 @ 2:40 PM |
Why do people do this? just venting
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Solitaire
Posts: 1,359
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So why is it that when one is guilty they do all in their power to say you cheated and place all blame on you?
Because this is the crux of their belief system. Power and control. The worse they feel about them self, and have uncomfortable emotions roiling around in them, the more they look for a way to unload those feelings onto someone else. You're discribing an almost classic case of the emotional component of domestic abuse. The never knowing what you did wrong that set him off; the "walking on eggshell"; isolating you from your friends; bribing you or your parents with gifts after he's been, "like that"; making you responsible for "making me mad."
Welcome to domestic violence. It doesn't require him to have beaten you up physically. He uses words and threats to browbeat and control you. Calling you names, criticizing and nitpicking things that were just fine the last time. Overreacting, especially in a demeaning way, like throwing a drink in your face, was a big red flag. Believe me, if you had gotten in an accident at that time, he would have blamed you...the cop would have blamed him, if he knew the facts. The really big, bright red, snapping in the wind, flag was the bit of holding your puppy up by the throat. With that little display, he not only forces you to choose between him and the puppy, but he made certain it was something you valued. It was also a veiled threat that spoke, "this could be you, so don't piss me off."
That whole cheating on you scenario was just a reflection of his own insecurity. And yes, he was quite adept at using the "best defense is a strong offence, routine. Be glad he has left the picture, but be aware that there is a good chance that if he sees you getting along fine, or even happy, he'll have to try and control that too. Know the procedures in your area for filing a restraining order.
Not an absolute prediction, but a forearmed kind of thought.
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| Jun 26 @ 4:29 PM |
Why do people do this? just venting |
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katydid438
Posts: 8,019
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Be glad he has left the picture, but be aware that there is a good chance that if he sees you getting along fine, or even happy, he'll have to try and control that too. Know the procedures in your area for filing a restraining order. This is excellent advice and can't be stressed too strongly
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| Jun 27 @ 6:09 PM |
Why do people do this? just venting
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chubs
Posts: 2,537
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well, sunkist, you sez you waited on him hand and foot...maybe you should also add knees to your repertoire! 
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| Jun 29 @ 2:27 PM |
Why do people do this? just venting |
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Snappygoddess
Posts: 5,097
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So why is it that when one is guilty they do all in their power to say you cheated and place all blame on you
Because he was not man enough to own up to his wrong doings.....then again, if he was man enough, he would not have been abusing you.. and it WAS abuse. He sounds dangerous.. glad you got out but please.. keep your eyes and ears open, he's not going to like not having control of you anymore.
Best wishes for a happier, healthier life
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| Jul 1 @ 9:29 AM |
Why do people do this? just venting
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 18,605
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Because this is the crux of their belief system. Power and control. The worse they feel about them self, and have uncomfortable emotions roiling around in them, the more they look for a way to unload those feelings onto someone else. You're discribing an almost classic case of the emotional component of domestic abuse.
Been there, done that. And don't, any of you, ever think you can 'fix' somebody like this. You can't, period. And don't be fooled when it eases up for awhile, it will happen again, count on it. Most people have realized by now that you can't help an addict - well it may not be gambling, drugs or alcohol, but it IS power. That control over you is like a drug and he needs it. You can talk till you're blue in the face but the problem is that to him you're a character in a play called 'his life.' He'll manipulate you to prove to himself that he's in control. As Solitaire pointed out, the more miserable and powerless he feels in his own life, the worse he's going to make yours.
Welcome back to the land of the living sweety. I remember when I finally ditched my ex - it took awhile to stop listening to music I didn't care for and cooking foods I didn't much like...basically I had to figure out who I was as I'd lost my identity.
Sweety, meet Sweety! 
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| Jul 1 @ 10:15 AM |
Why do people do this? just venting |
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Nightowl001
Posts: 7,495
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Congrats on getting out, Sweety, and as others have advised, please, keep bein' careful.
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| Jul 5 @ 8:57 AM |
Why do people do this? just venting
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Always_Striving
Posts: 8,794
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He once held my puppy by her throat against the wall asking how much I loved my little dog. I now look back and realize he was completely psychotic Once while I was driving he had been poking me with a toothpick I admit I got scared because it seemed all human nature in his eyes would disappear and it would look empty and crazy and he would just scream at me
Uhhh, uhhhh, uhhhh.......yeeeeeahhh  I think so. Geeeeeze
Why be with someone telling them you love them but constantly be out looking for someone else
He is probably looking to "trade up". That means he is looking for a woman which he perceives to have higher quality attributes. Remember that it is just his perception. Obviously he has insecurities otherwise he would break clean off of your relationship with him.
I just ended, well sort of ended a year long relationship.
I think that you should move on. Make sure that you let your friends and family and maybe even the police know what kind of guy he is. Just in case he goes insane, as this appears to be one of your concerns.
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| Jul 11 @ 4:48 AM |
Why do people do this? just venting |
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southernlass
Posts: 2,211
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He once held my puppy by her throat against the wall asking how much I loved my little dog.
You could have put him in jail for that, you know. Violent, crazy, abusive men often abuse animals or those smaller than themselves. Anyone capable of this kind of behavior is certifiably mentally ill and needs help.
Anyone capable of cruelty period needs serious mental help. Thank God you got away from him. I just hope you don't go back when the "honeymoon phase" of the cycle of violence comes around. Here's hoping you haven't gone back.
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| Aug 9 @ 3:42 AM |
Why do people do this? just venting
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Solitaire
Posts: 1,359
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[QUOTE Most people have realized by now that you can't help an addict - well it may not be gambling, drugs or alcohol, but it IS power. That control over you is like a drug and he needs it. You can talk till you're blue in the face but the problem is that to him you're a character in a play called 'his life.' He'll manipulate you to prove to himself that he's in control.[/quote]
Heaven has it on the nose, the addiction beliefs and holding others as emotional hostages.
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