| Aug 22 @ 9:34 AM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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uab_5
Posts: 4,759
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tHis time I'm real.
No tantrum.
Just logic.
The marriage will be too much on me.
I'll have to build her up and her son as well both fiancially and emotionally.
I can't fight my depression and hers too when she won't take the steps necessary to do such.
I've beaten my beasts, and live a normal lifestyle that even Dad finally approves of.
I need a woman that will, preferably, build me up or at least be my equal - I don't need another bad marriage. The last one almost ended ended in my death - literally - and cost me so bad that it's taken fve years to fully recover from.
This will be hell to do, and I'm not sure whether I need to fly back and do it in person or gradually lessen my contact with her.
We're already geographically 700 miles apart.
Please pray for the three of us..
I need to cut my loses before I make a permanet commitment that could damn her, her son, and me to misery.
Advise would be appreciated.
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| Aug 23 @ 11:13 AM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 13,645
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talk to your pastor.... 
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| Aug 23 @ 12:06 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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Loreli
Posts: 25,398
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Hard to really know without knowing her, but here goes.
You've been engaged for quite some time.
Even with problems, I think she deserves more than a gradual loss of contact.
It will be easier on both, and allow closure to handle it honestly and without dragging it out.
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| Aug 23 @ 12:07 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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BandTMom
Posts: 38,041
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Please do it in person. Don't just gradually fade away. Gradual lack of contact hurts much more as she will always wondered what happened.
Good luck, my friend. I think you are making a wise decision.
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| Aug 23 @ 1:12 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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chubs
Posts: 2,528
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uab...I agree with mom & loreli, do it in person and not gradually fade away
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| Aug 23 @ 6:32 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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uab_5
Posts: 4,759
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Still kicking it around.
I don't have the vacation time to fly down for a painfully visist.
I'm considering pushing back the wedding date for financial reasons is part of the problem.
....money is like water in a bucket with a hole in it for me. The more I maker the more pours out.
The other problems is that I do love her, and that I'm mad as hell at her for for her inaction.
She only works three 1/2 days a week. The rest of the time she sits around and smokes.
He mother is raising her son - not her. She doesn't so much as get up to see him off to school.
And on that line of thinking, is it my place to raise my future wife and her son?
The answer is nether.
Before we get married, she needs to be an adult ad take over raising him.
I've got to call and schedule an appointment with my pastor this week, and I see my therapist tomorrow night.
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| Aug 23 @ 7:00 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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BandTMom
Posts: 38,041
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At this stage in her life, I really doubt if she's going to grow up. She will never grow up as long as she has someone taking care of her and that includes you. If you get married, you will be taking over her parents role, at least IMO and what I've seen in life.
By all means, push back the wedding date to stall for time, but don't disappear on her. Some of us have had that happen and know how badly it hurts. But you are going to have to find time and finances to get down there and make a clean break.
I'm talking frankly to you just like I would anyone that I care about.
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| Aug 23 @ 8:30 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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uab_5
Posts: 4,759
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I know.
I'll be hard to call her since I'm so angry with her.
But I will.
God bless you , Band.
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| Aug 23 @ 8:46 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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JenRNinOhio
Posts: 4,157
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Have you told her what you've told us?
Have you told her that she has to step up & be a Mom?
Have you told her that you NEED her to do this for the two of you?
Have you told her that you love her ... but ....
for this to work ...certain commitments must be made?
Does she understand that SHE has to commit to making these changes, these growths .. in order for you to become a family?
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| Aug 23 @ 9:02 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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blueyes101
Posts: 12,080
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Give her a list of expectations...... Once she reads this she just might realize that she....... herself is not ready.. If she says she can do it, tell her, actions are what is needed, not words.
Tell her it is her responsibility to do X Y Z, and you have no intention to ask her to do it, or even keep in constant contact to see if she did it.....
This throws her the ball, and then see what she will do with it......
My guess is, whether you go there or not, she will tell you what you want to hear, but that won't get the job done.
Goof luck to you.
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| Sep 3 @ 8:49 AM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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beckyiv42000
Posts: 14,576
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UAB hon I commend you for stopping to think.. before heading into something that you cannot handle.. she sounds a bit selfish .. not caring for her own child .. JMHO tho ... and I think you see that in her... I sure wish I had seen that in a few past relationships BEFORE I committed... If you dont have the $ or time to go see her I would explain in great detail WHY you are having a hard time with this relationship... in an email an or on the phone or both so she can review what you are concerned with... maybe speak to her mother about her lack of caring of her own child... maybe THEN she will understand and if not time to let go.. I know you love her UAB.. but to love someone else as they truly deserve you must first love yourself and care about your well being enough so that YOU can continue to love them.. when it infringes upon YOUR love for yourself by taking away the happiness and they are not caring (as she is not by not trying to change and or even care for her OWN child) sometimes you have no choice but to cut ties ... Im sorry I know I might sound harsh but honestly I see you as a giving loving caring person who is being chit on and potentially used.. I would hate to see that ...you deserve a woman to love you and care for you as much as you do them... big huggs I hope it works out to where you are happy either way 
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| Sep 3 @ 11:31 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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uab_5
Posts: 4,759
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Thanks Becky
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| Sep 15 @ 3:30 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 13,645
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 ,,,,,,,,any new news??
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| Sep 18 @ 9:07 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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uab_5
Posts: 4,759
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I'm still waiting for a trip home to break up with her.
The latest...
Her moter asked me this week to wake her up FROM 700 MILES away to ensure her son got to school on time.
Her son caught the flu this week. She tried to start her mother's car to take him to the MD, but when that failed, she did nothing except light a cigarette and let her son be sick.
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| Sep 19 @ 11:29 AM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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Danger
Posts: 1,246
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i am not sure on how long you've been seeing each other, but to me even if you've been seeing each other for YEARS..you're inner self can always tell you the right thing to do...
to me, i think you may want to love her, but there are too many signs showing you...telling you this isn't the one. listen to yourself, it's usually right. for someone not to care about their own son?! what would they be like in a relationship?! it's just not right, and you know it.
i do agree you need to talk to her-in person would be best, but....i also think it's a waste of money to fly there too.
if it were me...i would call her and tell her it is just not working and this has to end. i don't think i would want to fly there...knowing there were no way to 'fix' things. she seems to care too little about others...and you want someone to really care.
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| Sep 20 @ 6:59 AM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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masonfun52
Posts: 4
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Wow! Quite a story there!
By using excuses, such as no time/no money to fly there & tell her, and by doing those little favors her mothers asks of you, I would almost regard this as "stringing her along". In your original post you said this was it, this time it was real & that you need to cut your losses. Then do it! Trust your inner instincts & phone her & tell her you don't want to marry & spend the rest of your adult life with a female child-wife. The longer you put off acting, the harder it becomes.
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| Sep 20 @ 7:22 AM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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uab_5
Posts: 4,759
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The child-fiancee lives two miles away from my father, so it's not like I don't have reason to make the trip during Thanksgiving.
Plus we did meet at the my late mother's church, so I've got a a reputaton totry to protect.
She called last night just as I was settling down for the evening. She said she did "nothing all week", which I read to mean "drank coffe and smoked cigarettes".
I probably did more before 10:00am yesterday than she did all week. 
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| Sep 20 @ 12:06 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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blueyes101
Posts: 12,080
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Plus we did meet at the my late mother's church, so I've got a a reputaton totry to protect.
This may come across as crass, but doesn't she have one of her own at the same church?
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| Sep 20 @ 9:01 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee
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masonfun52
Posts: 4
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I apologize if this sounds blunt . . . but uab, you seem to have an excuse for not doing every thing that is suggested. So you'll see her at thanksgiving & tell her then? Your reputation at your mother's church won't be any different doing it then from telling her now. In my opinion, you really DO NOT know what you want to do. Good luck.
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| Sep 20 @ 10:03 PM |
Breaking up wih the fiancee |
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uab_5
Posts: 4,759
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It's just that what would hurt less for her?
Breaking up over a phone call 700 miles away or face-to-face?
I'm trying to let the relationship "die on the vine", but that's not working.
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