| Jan 24, 2007 @ 1:37 AM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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JohnnyPopper
Posts: 131
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Dogs Are Better Than Women
01. dogs don't cry.
02. dogs love it when your friends come over.
03. dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
04. dogs think you sing great.
05. a dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
06. dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
07. the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
08. dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
09. dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
10. dogs are excited by rough play.
11. dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
12. dogs understand that farts are funny.
13. dogs love red meat.
14. dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
15. anyone can get a good-looking dog.
16. if a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
17. dogs don't shop.
18. dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
19. a dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
20. dogs never need to examine the relationship.
21. a dog's parents never visit.
22. dogs love long car trips.
23. dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
24. dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
25. when a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
26. dogs like beer.
27. dogs don't hate their bodies.
28. no dog ever bought a kenny g or hootie & the blowfish album.
29. no dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
30. dogs never criticize.
31. dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
32. dogs never expect gifts.
33. it's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
34. dogs don't worry about germs.
35. dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
36. dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, computer, or desk.
37. dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
38. dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
39. you never have to wait for a dog. they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
40. dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
41. dogs don't borrow your shirts.
42. dogs never want foot-rubs.
43. dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
44. dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
45. dogs can't talk.
46. dogs aren't catty.
47. dogs seldom outlive you.
How Dogs And Women Are Alike
01. both look stupid in hats.
02. both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
03. both tend to have "hip&qout; problems.
04. neither understand football.
05. both look good in a fur coat.
06. both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
07. neither believe that silence is golden.
08. both constantly want back rubs.
09. neither can balance a checkbook.
10. you can never tell what either of them is thinking.
11. both put too much value on kissing.
How Women Are Better Than Dogs
01. WOMEN LEAVE THE ROOM TO FART.
  
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| Jan 24, 2007 @ 11:22 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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emperorguy
Posts: 393
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WHY SHEEP ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
* Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
* You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
* Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
* Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
* Nuttin' beats mutton
* Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel
* Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early
* Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
* Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them
* No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe
* Sheep are never concerened about their reputation
* Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up
* Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the second time
* Sheep never insist on eating out
* You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson
* Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
* Sheep don't smell like tuna fish
* Sheep don't get moody once a month
* You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth
* A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay
* A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed
* A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon
* A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
* A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains
* A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
* A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup
* A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy
* A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator
* A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom
* A sheep will never sue you for palimony
* A sheep won't care if you screw her sister
* A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is
* A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing
* A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can
* Sheep never have a headache
* A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill
* A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom
* A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons
* Sheep grow their own fur coats
* A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football
* Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend
* A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning
* Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
* A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up
* A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator
* A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style
* A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom
* Sheep are "ram tough"
* A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth
* Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on
* Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning
* Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck
* A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it
* A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber
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| Jan 24, 2007 @ 11:24 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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emperorguy
Posts: 393
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10 Reasons Why Computers Are Better Than Girlfriends
1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period.
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| Jan 25, 2007 @ 10:19 AM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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DiamondRain
Posts: 6,356
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How's this workin' out for meetin' the ladies there emperorguy? 
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| Jan 25, 2007 @ 2:01 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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pbrose19
Posts: 6
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| Jan 25, 2007 @ 9:44 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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emperorguy
Posts: 393
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Great! 
Either they get the joke, or not worth bothering over....
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| Jan 25, 2007 @ 9:47 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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emperorguy
Posts: 393
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Reasons why a Motorcycle is better than women
1. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize
before you can ride it again.
2. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
3. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
4. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to
correct it.
5. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
6. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
7. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
8. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
9. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
10. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
11. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
12. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
13. Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
14. Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
15. Motorcycles don't have parents.
16. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
17. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy
Motorcycle magazines.
18. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
19. Motorcycles last longer.
20. Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
21. Motorcycles' curves never sag.
22. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them,
you don't get them.
23. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
24. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
25. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
26. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
27. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
28. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
29. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
30. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
31. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
32. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and
that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
33. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your
Motorcycle.
34. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
35. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old
one is _really_ worn.
36. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
37. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump
it.
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| Jan 26, 2007 @ 12:35 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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Strandedboarder
Posts: 440
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You guys are going ot be alone for a very looong time.
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| Jan 26, 2007 @ 10:53 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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JohnnyPopper
Posts: 131
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We are already alone.. So what are we missin??
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| Jan 26, 2007 @ 11:44 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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Solitaryguitar
Posts: 41
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We are already alone.. So what are we missin??
Too True man.
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| Jan 27, 2007 @ 9:09 AM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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emperorguy
Posts: 393
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I ain't. Always have several on the string. Went to see the 'Bodies" exhibit this week, with one new date, and am doing a Tantric Sex workshop tomorrow with a wonderful Dominicana manana.
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| Jan 28, 2007 @ 3:50 AM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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JohnnyPopper
Posts: 131
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Several?? Gee, I consider myself lucky to meet a new lady every 2 or 3 weeks.. Takes them that long to realize that I really wanna get married and they don't really wanna be tied down again.. sheesh
Bein a "Devil Dog" doesn't help much either, so I hide almost everthang that refers to it also.. The 3rd last one saw my dress blues hangin in the closet and freaked out bigtime! She thought I'd dress up in them and make love to her while wearin um.. NOT!! "Harley" wasn't to excited about that either and didn't get hard...
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| Jan 28, 2007 @ 3:56 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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emperorguy
Posts: 393
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Don't need the Dress Blues, just the mamaleuke!
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| Jan 29, 2007 @ 4:27 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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spacklegirl
Posts: 2
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What compels me to respond to this? I have no earthly idea.
A few thoughts though:
01 dogs don't cry
True that. They whine. Also eat your shoes and pee on your carpet. You make the call.
03 dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
Frankly, I don't care if you use their shampoo either. Perhaps it will give you a glossy coat and fresher breath. One can only hope.
08 dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
Ok, I get that this is some sort of deluded metaphor for sex. And honestly, if you're having sex with dogs, their forgiveness is the least of your worries. And, by the way, how exactly is it that you can tell they've forgiven you? Is it the note they leave in lipstick on the mirror? Perhaps they bake you scones. Do tell.
09 dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
To quote someone much funnier than I: "But they probably won't come if you do." (http://littleredboat.co.uk)
11 dogs don't mind if you give your offspring away
Really? Is THAT what you're looking for in a woman? Charming. Here's a thought: you should date crack addicts. They often don't mind if you give away their children. And, I've heard, they stay quite thin.
30 dogs never criticize
That is, quite possibly, because dogs aren't smart enough to read the fairly-unfunny posts you pull off your email and post online. If they could, trust me, they'd criticize.
Ok, I'm done.
I do think, though, that you've made quite a case for why you should date dogs. I feel sure that no one would disagree with that plan.
And I know, I know. A dog would have written this better.
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| Jan 30, 2007 @ 5:29 AM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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emperorguy
Posts: 393
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another example of a gal with no sense of humor taking a general post personally-- lemme guess, you're in college, taking "feminism studies'
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| Jan 30, 2007 @ 6:02 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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~ahem~ You may just have broken her heart  , Emporer...or given her some material for her next stand up gig. 
Go read her blogs
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| Jan 30, 2007 @ 8:36 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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JohnnyPopper
Posts: 131
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AndpunctuationIwantgoodpunctuationintheemailsNopunctuationnoreplyThat'smymottohahahaatleastsheisfunnyonherprofiletoobadshetooktheDogThangwrongbutshesoundslikeatypicalsexstarvedlonelyfemaletryingtomakeitinamansworldandifIdatedanyoneatallIwouldn'tbeherelisteningtoawhinneyfemalessitdownandtakeabreakcomedian....
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| Jan 30, 2007 @ 9:57 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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eastham
Posts: 7,913
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Jeeze, Emperor, and here I thought sarcasm was one of your stronger suits.
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| Feb 1, 2007 @ 12:58 AM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women
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Monsterboy
Posts: 287
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another example of a gal with no sense of humor taking a general post personally-- lemme guess, you're in college, taking "feminism studies'
Man, the fact you could read that and come up with "no sense of humor" shows who's taking things personally. That was the funniest thing I've read all day.
(Granted, I've mostly been reading butch lesbian poetry... but there's some yuks in there, let me tell you.)
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| Feb 1, 2007 @ 1:30 PM |
Dogs Are Better Than Women |
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emperorguy
Posts: 393
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Far from it-- I take damn near anything with a belly laugh--about the only thing I've taken personally lately was the last 3 IRS audits.....
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