| Jun 6 @ 10:22 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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craftyfella
Posts: 894
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker.. 'It's not talcum powder... It's Miracle Grow.
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| Jun 6 @ 10:28 AM |
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craftyfella
Posts: 894
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newly weds
The Sweetness of Married Life
The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... '
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED AND YOUR ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'
And..they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story? 
Married Life, makes me glad I aint there no more!! 
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| Jun 6 @ 2:09 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 1,039
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 Yes Dear!!
Randy the rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.
Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."
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| Jun 6 @ 2:17 PM |
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SweetTNgirl81
Posts: 58
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Women Drivers
(I Love This One)
This morning on the 605,
I looked over to my
left and there was a
WOMAN !!
in a brand new
Cadillac
doing 65 mph
with her
face up next to her
rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
my electric shaver,
which knocked
the donut
out of my other hand.
In all
the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my pants,
and disconnected an
important call.
Damn women drivers
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| Jun 6 @ 2:39 PM |
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1RockinDude
Posts: 6,844
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 , Crafty, Curious, Sweet TN
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| Jun 6 @ 8:23 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Curious1
Posts: 1,039
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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.
The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.
Once she comes back, they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doc says, "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms, and asks how he knew. "Easy, he said, you're always washing your hands."
"That's very clever!" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." "Wow, how did you guess?" he asked. "I didn't feel a thing!" she replied.
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| Jun 6 @ 9:49 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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SweetTNgirl81
Posts: 58
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Nuclear power
A stranger was seated next to an 8-year old girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger 'How about nuclear power? and he smiles. 'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
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| Jun 6 @ 9:58 PM |
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julielynne
Posts: 45
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What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your Mouth 
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| Jun 6 @ 9:59 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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1RockinDude
Posts: 6,844
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Good one Sweet
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| Jun 7 @ 12:14 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Yogi5757
Posts: 8
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Why is pubic hair short and curly?
If it was long and straight, it would poke your damn eyes out.
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| Jun 7 @ 2:31 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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danialk57
Posts: 11
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three guys want to join a biker gang.
They get through every nasty test, and get down to the last one. The president of the club pulls out a 9mm outomatic, hands it to the first guy and says, "Your old lady is out back...take this gun and shoot her in the head."
The guy says no, and doesn't make the club.
He hands the gun to the second guy....he looks at the gun for a very long moment, but also says no.
The third guy takes the gun, andheads out the back door. Everyone inside hears the shots, and the guy empties the gun...but it takes him 15 minutes to comeback inside.
The president says to him, "What the f*** took you so long?"
He says, "When I realized you filled the damn thing with blanks, it took me 15 minutes to choke the bitch to death."
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| Jun 7 @ 2:37 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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danialk57
Posts: 11
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A gay guy runs into a doctor at a bar, and becomes infatuated. He finds out the guy is a proctologist, and is deleriously happy, so he makes an appointment.
During the appointment, it is so obvious to the doctor what the guy wants....he can't kneel still on the table when the doctor examines him, so the doctor asks him to leave.
The guy makes another appointment, promises to behave, and the doctor relents.
During the examination, the doctor notices something green sticking out of the guys butt....he pulls it out and its a rose. He then proceeds to pull out 11 more.
He asks the guy if he knows that he has a dozen roses in his butt. The guy turns his head and cries, "READ THE CARD!! READ THE CARD!!!
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| Jun 7 @ 2:41 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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danialk57
Posts: 11
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two blondes run into a building.....you'd a thought ONE of them would have seen it!!
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| Jun 7 @ 7:43 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Curious1
Posts: 1,039
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WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they
feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting: 30% of
women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too
skinny... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a
good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
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| Jun 7 @ 12:07 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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SweetTNgirl81
Posts: 58
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LOL Curious!! Cute, cute, cute!!!!!
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| Jun 7 @ 6:07 PM |
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Curious1
Posts: 1,039
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Top 10 Redneck Country Songs (I have the complete collection)
10 - How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
9 - Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
8 - How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
7 - I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
6 - If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
5 - She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4 - If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3 - She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2 - I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
And the #1 Redneck Country Song.....
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
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| Jun 7 @ 6:16 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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TexasSanger
Posts: 5
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What do you call a deer that can't see?
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| Jun 7 @ 8:17 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Curious1
Posts: 1,039
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Hmmm... no-eye-deer... tell me!
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| Jun 9 @ 4:10 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 1,039
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Three nuns die and are at the gates of heaven and St. Peter pops up and says "Before you enter heaven you must each answer one question correctly".
The first Nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?" to which she replied "Adam" and was allowed into heaven.
The second Nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?" to which she replied "Eve" and was allowed into heaven.
The third Nun was asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" to which she replied "Ohh! That's a hard one"
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| Jun 9 @ 4:24 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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craftyfella
Posts: 894
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I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well'
for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? '
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?'
'No, I don' t,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
No,' I said
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
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