| Jun 9 @ 4:35 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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All right Crafty!! Have missed your JD moments.. I like that one so much that I'm going to steal it! 
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this.
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
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| Jun 9 @ 10:16 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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SweetTNgirl81
Posts: 56
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| Jun 10 @ 9:41 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their sexual relationship, "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?
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| Jun 11 @ 7:58 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
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| Jun 15 @ 1:08 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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Little Johnny's school got a new teacher. This new teacher was an atheist and proud of it. In fact, he was always talking about it, and since the kids were fairly young, he intimidated them.
One day he boldly announced, "My mother was an atheist, my father was an atheist and I'm an atheist. How many in this room atheists?"
The kids were all afraid of the new teacher, so they all raised their hands -- all except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked him, "Well, what are you then?"
Little Johnny said, "I'm a Christian. My mother is a Christian, my father is a Christian and I'm a Christian too."
The teacher then sarcastically snarled, "If your mother was a moron and your father was a moron, what would that make you?"
Little Johnny thought for a moment and meekly replied, "I guess that would make me an atheist."
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| Jun 16 @ 10:17 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your l loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
' 'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.
'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.
'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.
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| Jun 16 @ 10:20 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says,
'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs,
big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
'What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says......
'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
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| Jun 16 @ 10:22 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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SweetTNgirl81
Posts: 56
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| Jun 17 @ 9:02 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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| Jun 18 @ 5:33 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest.
They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived.
The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed.
The bear said he would go first. "I wish...that all the bears in this forest were female."
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet.
The bear thought that strange but continued. "I wish...that all the bears in this country to be female!" The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it.
The bear looked at the bunny and said, "You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!"
Then he asked for his last wish. "I wish...that all the bears in this world to be female!"
The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."
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| Jun 27 @ 1:53 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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1RockinDude
Posts: 6,461
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I can only remember Dolly Pardons bra size..a 280zx..no wonder such a hard car to find anymore !!!!!
Ronald Regan..was in the rest room at a metting..He couldnt not notice the black secret service man..how endowed he was.and ask the man..how in the world did you get so big...The tall black gentalman told the prezident..Well before I go to sleep I knock it against the be post three times.
So that night The Preident tried that indeed..three times against the bedpost ...There was a stilling in bed..Nacey awoken,,,and said is that you Jerome !!!
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| Jun 29 @ 12:42 PM |
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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Is that true?? 
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in their perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn't want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Christmas.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, of course! Because… the perfect man and Santa Claus don’t exist.
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| Jun 30 @ 9:44 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,147
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Apples & Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they are the best of the bunch. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men...they are like fine wine.
They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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| Jun 30 @ 10:41 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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Good to see ya LMD!
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man "... But it's startin to twitch." 
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| Jul 1 @ 12:17 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,147
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Thanks Curious! 
Alcohol Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
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| Jul 1 @ 12:28 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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1RockinDude
Posts: 6,461
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You people are very funny I am just a one liners type..I suck telling jokes!!
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| Jul 1 @ 5:46 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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No one can be good at everything Dude... You are an expert when it comes to music.... Some of us are expert bull-shitters..
Besides that.. we copy faster!! 
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| Jul 1 @ 9:26 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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Here's a one liner that works!!
"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and the salt."
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| Jul 8 @ 3:54 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 699
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On her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker),
confided to her co-workers she had three goals
for her trip to the Lone Star State...
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Q
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And...
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
'Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh soooo good.. The taste is unbelievable!'
'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes. those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'
They then asked....
'Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?'
'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
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| Jul 8 @ 4:12 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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1RockinDude
Posts: 6,461
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hahaha very funny Curious !!
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