| Jan 5 @ 10:28 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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theresam77
Posts: 1,731
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I have to tell you guys, I am cheating 
I got this hilarious little book for Christmas, "Pretty Good Joke Book"
I can read it and laugh to myself for hours, not really hours...but you know what I mean 
Here's a few from the one-liners section....
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people are just out of film. 
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. ( true for me! lol)
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you. 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I intend to live forever-so far, so good.
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| Jan 5 @ 10:52 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Say_Yes
Posts: 1,435
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THE OLD MAN AND THE MARINE
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away . . .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer! "
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow sir."
Of course, about a year from now, you will be able to change it from Hilary to W and it still works.
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| Jan 6 @ 2:25 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,359
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What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
An interpreter.
No one take these personally please... Jenn 
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| Jan 6 @ 11:28 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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LoneHarleyWolf
Posts: 9
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A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought probably she meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"
The blonde replied, "No, just up to my nipples."
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| Jan 7 @ 3:35 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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MusicMonster
Posts: 2,961
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Two hunters are out in the woods of Tennessee when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing very well and his eyes are all glazed over. In a panic the other guy takes out his phone and calls the 911 emergency line.
"This is 911. What's your emergency"?
He gasps frantically: "Help!! I think my friend may be dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, calm down Sir! I can help. First, let's make sure he's actually dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. BOOM!!
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK.. Now what?"
-MM 
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| Jan 8 @ 6:10 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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KAOS2007
Posts: 5,091
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Why do men always get their best ideas during sex ????
Because they're plugged into a f***ing genius.
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| Jan 8 @ 6:13 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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theobono
Posts: 2,113
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9 WORDS WOMEN USE
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say 'you're welcome."
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
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| Jan 8 @ 9:34 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,359
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| Jan 8 @ 9:36 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,359
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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| Jan 8 @ 9:46 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,359
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| Jan 10 @ 10:26 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Juliecd
Posts: 181
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A man wakes up on a sunday morning feeling a bit amorous.
His wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.
Well he was under the covers without any clothes on.He really wanted her up there.His son had walked by the door so he called him to come in. He said to his son to take a message that he had written to his mom in the kitchen. On that message to her,it read:
The tent post is up and the canvas is spread.
Forget about breakfast and come back to bed.
She read this and smiled.She wrote a message for her son to return to his dad. It read: Take the tent post down and put the canvas away,the monkey`s in heat ,no circus today.
Julie Lynne
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| Jan 11 @ 3:25 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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jim141419
Posts: 422
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An Miami Hurricane fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, “I want to hear Rocky Top one last time.” The Cane fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, shoot me first!”
...im just sayin
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| Jan 11 @ 3:28 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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jim141419
Posts: 422
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Ok...Ok....i will be fair and balanced.....just like Fox
If you are driving and see a Miami football player riding a bicycle, why should you take great care in not hitting him?
It could be your bike.
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| Jan 11 @ 3:44 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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1RockinDude
Posts: 5,508
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haha Jim..Rocky Top I have 4 versions on a cd wanna hear them? 
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| Jan 11 @ 3:49 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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jim141419
Posts: 422
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Nahhhh...that was funny........
Rocky top is growin on me....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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| Jan 11 @ 3:53 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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1RockinDude
Posts: 5,508
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I was joking with ya bro 
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| Jan 17 @ 4:56 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,359
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS
I put this here in case someone missed it in the blogs!!! TOO FUNNY
[Edited on 1/17/2008 5:09 PM]
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| Jan 17 @ 5:05 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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DG1971
Posts: 886
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| Jan 17 @ 5:45 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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theresam77
Posts: 1,731
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Holy moly AW!!!!!
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| Jan 22 @ 11:26 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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TrailRider1
Posts: 574
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A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
Submitted this :
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
Something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
Pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
Supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
Assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a
Gun -----adequate time to retreat to safety. ------------- WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
Triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay,
So I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
Thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
Side as to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
Tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in The recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over Again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, t hat there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor....SON-OF-A-BITCH! ... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl
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