| Mar 24 @ 10:39 PM |
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,152
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| Mar 24 @ 11:29 PM |
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jim141419
Posts: 422
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| Mar 25 @ 1:12 AM |
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,152
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I love Little Johnny! 
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school Playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jan in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jan. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jan a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jan helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jan...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, ' Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jan. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jan a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jan helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jan and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
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| Mar 25 @ 5:25 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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dilynmor
Posts: 963
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Why do chicken coops have two doors? 
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans. 
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| Mar 26 @ 12:26 AM |
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jim141419
Posts: 422
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here". The indignant lawyer said "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own". The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in rural Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule". The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up". The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into he lawyer's stomach and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly took the lawyer's nose off. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn". The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck".
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| Mar 26 @ 10:08 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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DG1971
Posts: 886
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both of those are great, LMD and jim, kudos!
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| Mar 26 @ 12:27 PM |
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Edelweiss
Posts: 2,133
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| Mar 26 @ 4:24 PM |
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jim141419
Posts: 422
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A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
He said, "This heerza special ´casion -- our honeymoon -- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed." The clerk winked -- "You want the ´Bridal´?"
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, reckon not. Guess I´ll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it.
Im just sayin................
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| Mar 28 @ 9:16 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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lilofval
Posts: 3,214
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| Apr 18 @ 12:09 PM |
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,152
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HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
"Officer, this is how the fight started...I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car...and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed... and life...sometimes life seems like...suddenly funny?
Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.
He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"
....and that's when the fight started..."
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| Apr 18 @ 3:52 PM |
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jim141419
Posts: 422
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What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
--- You can drop her off anywhere.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
--- Outlaws are wanted.
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
--- Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
Where does virgin wool come from?
--- Ugly sheep.
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
--- It isn't hard.
How can you make your wife mad while making love?
--- Call her with your cell phone.
What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding
night?
--- His last nam
How do you know you're really ugly?
--- Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg
Why are hurricanes named after women?
--- Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
Im just sayin
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| Apr 19 @ 8:06 PM |
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY There is a new study about women and how they
feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting: 30% of
women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too
skinny... The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a
good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
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| Apr 20 @ 1:13 AM |
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Yogi5757
Posts: 6
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One time three couples rented an RV and took a vacation together. They had a wreck and all of them were killed. They arrive at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter there to render judgement on them. St. Peter called the first man up and told him, "There is no way you are getting into Heaven." Your entire life you were consumed by money. Money is all you ever thought of or cared about. You were so obsessed with money that you even married a woman named Penny. Be Gone.
St. Peter then called up the second man. He told him, "You are not getting in either." All you ever cared about in your life was drinking. You were so consumed by booze that you even married a woman named Brandy. Be Gone.
The third man stood up and turned to his wife and said, "We might as well leave, Fanny"
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| Apr 20 @ 1:40 AM |
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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> HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE > > 1. Open a new file in your PC. > 2. Name
it 'Housework.' > 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN. > 4. Empty the RECYCLE
BIN. > 5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want > to delete
Housework permanently?' > 6. Calmly answer, 'Yes,' and press the mouse >
button firmly...... > 7. Feel better? > > Works for me
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| Apr 20 @ 2:52 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out
of this!
>
> A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way:
>
> I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
> Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her
the Government.
> We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the
People.
> The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
> And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
> Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
>
> So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that
> night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
>
> So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his
mother asleep. Not
> wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
door locked, he
> peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
>
> He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little
boy says to his
> father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics
now."
>
> The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics
> is all about."
>
> The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working
Class while the
> Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in
> deep shit.
>
>
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| Apr 20 @ 5:56 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,152
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| Apr 20 @ 11:58 PM |
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Yogi5757
Posts: 6
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A sailor walks into a bar in New York City and sees a woman alone at a table and crying. In an effort to offer comfort he asks her what is wrong. She tells him that she is from Austrailia and she came to America to seek her fortune and things have not gone well. She says that she is out of money and can't get back home to Austrailia. The sailor says, "Well, this could be your lucky night. It just so happens that I am leaving on a ship bound for Sydney Austrailia in the morning," He says, "If you were to get friendly enough I would be willing to stow you away on the ship and get you home." She tells him, "Oh kind sir, I would do anything to get back home to see me mum." Abd with that, the deal is made.
The next morning the sailor stows the woman away and they set off. The Captain of the ship noticed that the sailor would walk up to a locker about two or three times a day, stick a plate of food in the locker and walk away. After a couple of days of this curiousity got the best of the Captain and he investigated. He opened the locker, found the woman inside and asked her what she was doing there.
The woman told him her story of being broke and trying to get home to Austrailia. She said,"I 'ope it doesn't cause the bloke too much trouble, but one of your lads was kind enough to stow me away to try to help me get 'ome." The Captain asked her, "Why would he do this for you?" The woman said, "Well, I am a bit embarrassed, but I'm letting him screw me."
The Captain said, "You damn sure are lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
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| Apr 21 @ 7:11 PM |
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1RockinDude
Posts: 5,513
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Yogi He is one funny man.You should hear him in chat !
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| Apr 22 @ 12:13 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Yogi5757
Posts: 6
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Now Dude, you know I can't help the way I look. 
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| Apr 22 @ 11:20 AM |
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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HOW TO MAKE LOVE...
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT
overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
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