| Apr 23 @ 12:51 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,170
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Marital sex is like ordering a mail order chess set.
You get one piece every 4-6 weeks....
A Tennessee Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Tennessee to go anywhere I want." See this card? SEE THIS CARD??? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on ANY farm land!!"
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Soon after that, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card, smartass."
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| Apr 23 @ 1:40 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,360
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ROFLMAO!!!!!! 
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| Apr 23 @ 1:47 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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1RockinDude
Posts: 5,704
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 LMD 
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| Apr 23 @ 3:41 PM |
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,170
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Be careful of what you say to kids....
A little boy is sitting in class when his teacher notices that he is scratching his crotch. She quietly goes to the little boy and asks him what is wrong.
The little boy says he had just been circumcised and it itched really bad. The teacher decided to send the boy to the office so he can call his mother and ask what he should do.
A little later, when the boy returns, the teacher notices that his pecker was sticking out of his pants.
The teacher rushes to the back where the boy had sat down and said "I thought I told you to call your mom."
The boy replied "I did...she told me to stick it out til noon."
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| Apr 23 @ 4:00 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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| Apr 23 @ 6:02 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there
with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. 
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| Apr 29 @ 10:11 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said:
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.
"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff; grass, yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power whe n you don't know shit?"
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| Apr 29 @ 10:15 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,360
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| Apr 29 @ 10:19 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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| May 3 @ 2:33 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,170
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The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her." So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy ..." and here I am.
Blonde Men do exist!
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| May 3 @ 4:04 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,170
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Margie decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."
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| May 3 @ 5:46 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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| May 3 @ 7:01 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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Smart azz answers:
SMART ASS ANSWER #6-- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5-- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticke t and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4-- A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, " Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Ye ah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand a nd asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Two bonus extras:
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
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| May 5 @ 8:12 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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wiggly
Posts: 57
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THE MONKEY AND THE PIG
Three agricultural scientists were determined to discover how much a pig could eat before it just had to take a shit. To this end they procured a Yorkshire sow and pushed a large cork into her arse.
After six weeks of force feeding, the sow was the size of the Goodyear airship and threatening to burst. Being humane types, the scientists agreed that the cork must now be removed.
No-one wished to volunteer for the job, however, so in true scientific tradition, they decided to train a monkey for the task and swiftly put a small gibbon through a crash course in cork-pulling.
The day came and the pig was air-lifted out to the desert for safety's sake. Special equipment was set up to monitor the event. Picture the scene: In the middle of the desert, the pig. Behind the pig, the monkey. One mile behind him, the first scientists with a video camera. One mile behind that scientist are the other two scientists with a seismometer. Finally, the monkey reaches up and pulls out the cork. SPLAT!
When the massive geyser has subsided, the two scientists find themselves knee-deep in pigshit. Grabbing shovels they wade forward and dig out the first man who has been buried up to his neck. When they free him they find that he is laughing hysterically.
"What's so funny?" they ask.
"You should have seen the monkey trying to get the cork back in!"
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| May 5 @ 8:25 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,170
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ewwwwwwwwww
welcome to Tennessee
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| May 6 @ 9:11 AM |
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Curious1
Posts: 291
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A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?
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| May 6 @ 9:18 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,360
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| May 6 @ 12:11 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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1RockinDude
Posts: 5,704
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Curious
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| May 6 @ 3:38 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 291
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled
as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears
formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to
her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed
she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're
mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy
Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not
having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden."
Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it?
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| May 6 @ 5:41 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,170
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A WARNING FOR ALL MEN:
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females are using a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer'
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship''
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
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