| May 19 @ 10:38 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Sweetheart83446
Posts: 6,476
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uh huh 
<~~~follows directions well. 
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| May 19 @ 10:39 PM |
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Curious1
Posts: 1,006
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No more sports jokes...
A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for SaleHe rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.'
'I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!'
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| May 20 @ 7:38 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 1,006
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At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
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| May 20 @ 10:26 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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lilofval
Posts: 3,214
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  NOW it all makes sense !!! 
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| May 21 @ 11:45 AM |
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Curious1
Posts: 1,006
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I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day 
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| May 21 @ 1:46 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,147
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 Mine, too!
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.
'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'
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| May 21 @ 2:30 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 1,006
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 Hmmm... blonde jokes... who can we offend today?!!  I'll do my best......
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
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| May 21 @ 5:16 PM |
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dilynmor
Posts: 963
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Two men walk into a bar....
the third one ducked!
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| May 21 @ 5:17 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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dilynmor
Posts: 963
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What is the first thing you know??
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| May 21 @ 5:19 PM |
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dilynmor
Posts: 963
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Old Jeds a millionaire!
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| May 21 @ 9:32 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,364
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Dily hun...are ya drinking? 
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| May 21 @ 9:37 PM |
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daisy315
Posts: 4,113
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I don't know if Dily is.. but I sure wish I was.. the strongest thing I have in my house is a bottle of Scope 
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| May 21 @ 9:39 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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American_Woman
Posts: 5,364
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| May 21 @ 10:46 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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Curious1
Posts: 1,006
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Does this sound about right? I'm curious!
How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct
1. She is not a Babe or a Chick - She is a Breasted American.
2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative.
3. She is not Easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.
4. She does not Tease or Flirt - She engages in Artificial Stimulation.
5. She is not Dumb - She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.
6. She has not Been Around - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.
7. She does not Get You Excited - She causes Temporary Blood Displacement.
8. She is not Kinky - She is a Creative Caretaker.
9. She does not have a Killer Body - She is Terminally Attractive.
10. She is not an Airhead - She is Reality Impaired.
11. She does not get Drunk or Tipsy - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced.
12. She is not Horny - She is Sexually Focused.
13. She does not have Breast Implants - She is Medically Enhanced.
14. She does not Nag You - She becomes Verbally Repetitive.
15. She is not a Slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.
16. She does not have Major League Hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.
17. She is not a Two Bit Whore - She is a Low Cost Provider
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| May 23 @ 12:07 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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LittleMsDangerous
Posts: 11,147
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This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class.The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off again. The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman,now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry.
What are you taking for it?
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
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| May 23 @ 9:37 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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A
cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
"You
have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours
for
the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my
life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would
like a
real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more."
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six
mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven
together.
God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to
the
cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from
cats, dogs, an d even people with brooms! If we c ould just have
some
little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God
answered,
"It is done." All the mic e had beautiful little roller
skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He
found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened
the
cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing?
Are
you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have
never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and
those
little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are
delicious!"
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| May 24 @ 9:15 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 1,006
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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young
couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he
had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young
wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and
whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have
sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting
out her gag, "I `m so relieved you feel that way, because he
just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."
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| May 25 @ 3:14 AM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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hotdognchilli
Posts: 3,775
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She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
i don't get it? 
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| May 25 @ 12:29 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it...
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Curious1
Posts: 1,006
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Here's one for the gals...
WOMEN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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| May 25 @ 7:50 PM |
Got a joke? Let's hear it... |
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craftyfella
Posts: 883
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