| Jan 13 @ 3:37 AM |
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?" 
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| Jan 13 @ 3:40 AM |
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest weenie the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor."I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again ..
Now...what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied.   
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| Jan 13 @ 10:25 PM |
Jokes
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WebMonster
Posts: 1,307
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Fred is 32 years old and the poor guy is still single. Never married.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "That's Great! So what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father didn't like her!!"
_________  ____ _____  __________
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| Jan 14 @ 4:43 AM |
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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That's pretty good wm. Keep em' coming. 
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| Jan 14 @ 6:51 PM |
Jokes
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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Where's the jokes at people. 
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| Jan 14 @ 9:08 PM |
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SpicySapphire
Posts: 305
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C'mon Curious...I am patiently waiting....
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| Jan 15 @ 2:58 AM |
Jokes
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the
door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful
again.'
The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'
(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )
The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'
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| Jan 15 @ 3:02 AM |
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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Hi Spicy. Welcome to the jokes part here in TN.
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| Jan 15 @ 12:02 PM |
Jokes
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mystery2u888
Posts: 18,095
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hey gf..........
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| Jan 15 @ 10:18 PM |
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SpicySapphire
Posts: 305
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Hey dmm..Thanks. I wish I could remember jokes but I leave that up to the experts. Still waiting here Curious! (taps foot)
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| Jan 16 @ 2:03 AM |
Jokes
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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| Jan 16 @ 2:09 AM |
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" 
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| Jan 16 @ 12:21 PM |
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slickwillie78
Posts: 1,007
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Old Enough to cuss....
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. "'I think it's about time we started cussing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.'
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
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| Jan 18 @ 3:40 AM |
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hankhill
Posts: 1
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a man went to the grocery store when it was his turn to check out the cashier ringed up his 1 tv dinner his 1 quart of milk his 1 pint of ice cream his 1 candy bar & 1 six pack of beer the cashier said "I guess your single" the man said "yea i guess you can tell by what i bought" she said "no your butt ugly"
Larry in north georgia
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| Jan 19 @ 2:03 AM |
Jokes
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S. Government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:
"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
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| Jan 19 @ 2:06 PM |
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Curious1
Posts: 11,280
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This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some
discussion he finally bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar
for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you
like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?
But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him
a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting
his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in
there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink
with me?
You gotta love this.........
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my frickin' shoes!!"
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| Jan 19 @ 6:45 PM |
Jokes
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SpicySapphire
Posts: 305
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Woohoo Curious!!! I knew you wouldn't let me down!
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| Jan 20 @ 3:28 AM |
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
Flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
Asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
Trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need
To see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
She couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
These turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're
Dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
Speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
Officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
Ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
Read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
Him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
Truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
Truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
Consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
In your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A
Smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
Would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
Sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
Shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
With your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
With what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
Fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
Replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
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| Jan 20 @ 3:39 AM |
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dmm00
Posts: 1,121
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden
he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA
(Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,'
says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going trust a FEMA genie...'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded
with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful
women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached
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| Jan 20 @ 2:52 PM |
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Curious1
Posts: 11,280
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You can get shit-faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit,
or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between Shit and Shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not do so, If you don't give a shit!
Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head........
Well shit happens...
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