| Dec 9, 2006 @ 11:56 PM |
worse than I thought
|
|
lilbikerchick
Posts: 213
|
I had posted in the topic about what to tell a child when daddy doesn't call or come see them. I've been making excuses for my son's dad for months now and finally told my son that I just don't know why his dad hasn't called or came to see him. Tonight I found out why. I had to call his grandpa to find out. My son's dad has a brain tumor. He doesn't want anyone to know. He hasn't been able to work fulltime, can't drive anymore, and really can't take care of himself. So far, the surgeon they've talked to says the success rate isn't that great. He could have totally memory loss and would have to learn to walk and talk again. With that, he's refusing surgery. There is another doctor in California who has a better outlook and they are trying to get him there to see him. At this point I've promised not to say anything to my son about all this. I understand how hard it must be for his dad to have his son see him like this but I think it's worse than not seeing him at all. He prefers that our son just remember the great canoe trip they had several months ago and not have his last memory of him being sick. I'm not so sure I agree. My question is, should I let his dad and grandpa tell him all this or should I when the time is right and I know everything? Or should I at least be with him when they tell him?
|
|
  |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 3:45 AM |
worse than I thought |
|
painter007
Posts: 15,852
|
you and the dad need to tell him.
|
| |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 8:10 AM |
worse than I thought
|
|
LSU79
Posts: 323
|
I lost my father at age 11, and my last memories of him was seeing him sick. However, those memories do not erase the earlier, more pleasant memories, and although they are painful, I suppose they are better than having him just disappear.But, that's such a personnal decision you'll have to make on behalf of your son, good luck.
|
|
| |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 10:09 AM |
worse than I thought |
|
Loreli
Posts: 19,311
|
You know your son and the others best.
I wanted to tell you that I ran into the first guy I was engaged to, a few years back. He had the same thing, and after surgery and followup treatment, he had been in remission for 15 years. He looked and acted really well.
He also had to "relearn" everything, and his 2 daughters were around for everything. Between honesty, love, and faith, they have been no different than other teens their ages.
Maybe there is a minister or counselor you can talk to to help guide you.IMHO, sick people NEED their families, to pull through. If it were you, going through that, what would you want? 
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
|
| |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 10:10 AM |
worse than I thought
|
|
Jankia
Posts: 8,798
|
He prefers that our son just remember the great canoe trip they had several months ago and not have his last memory of him being sick. I'm not so sure I agree. I do agree with what he prefers.I dont know how old your son is but I wouldnt hide his fathers illness from him or why his father doesnt want him to see his declining health.The last time your son saw his father alive will always be his most memorable time with him.
The afternoon before my father died he called me to tell me I should come over and see the open hole in his chest.The hospital had sent him home to rest following a double bypass months earlier that became infected.It had to be left open to heal.I told him to get some rest and I would be over in the morning.He died that same evening.
That was six years ago but the strongest memory I have of him is his wave to me from the combine just a week before.
That was the last time I saw him alive.
That memory wouldnt still be one that I'm most fond of if I the last time I had seen him was that afternoon with a hole in his chest.
|
|
| |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 11:25 AM |
worse than I thought |
|
gyspydreamer
Posts: 403
|
My mom hid her illness from us. I was hurt, but my brother got full blown furious, calling her a liar and such. But I agree that what I saw in that hospital is NOT what I think about when I remember her.
Same deal with my sister when we lost her. All those tubes etc are not the first thing I think about, ever.
|
| |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 11:55 AM |
worse than I thought
|
|
Luckygem
Posts: 2,925
|
You both need to sit him down and tell him together, it would be a shame if his father was gone and the last memory he had of him was the fact that he thought his dad didnt want to see him.
|
|
| |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 12:20 PM |
worse than I thought |
|
lilbikerchick
Posts: 213
|
Thanks everyone for responding. My son is 11. I understand why his dad would want his last memory to be a fun one, I just don't like the idea of him disappearing on him. He's not in the hospital yet or even bedridden, just very weak from the meds so I feel like he should see or at least talk to him now. I guess I should have waited to post this til I knew more (in a few days) but I was just scared, confused, worried, so many emotions. I think my son should know soon so that he'll at least have time with his dad to talk about all the fun things they did and remember them together, just in case there won't be any new memories. Right now, they've left me with the impression that they are expecting the worst and I hope that isn't the case.
|
| |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 1:23 PM |
worse than I thought
|
|
carpediem48
Posts: 3,139
|
I am so sorry Bikerchick....there's nothing worse than seeing our kids hurt.....I know.
My husband died the day after my daughter's 13th birthday party.....the cancer had spread to the brain.
She was there when he died.....the memory is sooo painful....but....it's there to be dealt with...hopefully some day because she hasn't been able to talk about it for over 3 years. My point is.....there has to be a touchstone....painful as it is...there has to be a reference point to start the healing process....otherwise one is lost in space.
What I did do....afterwards...to enhance the ''good'' memories...was frame and ''blow up" pictures of my daughter and her dad......it still hurts....but that's reality and it affects us whether we acknowledge it or not.....
God Bless you and your son.......and again I want to say how sorry I am.
|
|
| |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 1:34 PM |
worse than I thought |
|
twotall911
Posts: 12,806
|
my father had terminal cancer and i was glad he called me because we got to talk about it made his final days on me easier and i think on him too
|
| |
|
| Dec 10, 2006 @ 3:50 PM |
worse than I thought
|
|
lilbikerchick
Posts: 213
|
My son has a fun night at school Friday but I asked him if he'd rather go see his dad instead. He was thrilled with the idea since he didn't think he'd get to see him at all during Christmas. I didn't tell him anything, just that he might get to see him. I hate to keep secrets like this but it's best til I know more. His grandpa will be there too and he doesn't see him much either. My son definately needs to see him now before he does get really sick instead of going from one extreme to the other. Thing is, we're in the process of moving. We'll actually be about 15 minutes from where his dad lives instead of 3 hours away. I guess it's good that we're moving now, although not for the same reasons as I was originally thinking.
|
|
| |
|
| Dec 11, 2006 @ 3:46 AM |
worse than I thought |
|
carpediem48
Posts: 3,139
|
Hi Bikerchick
Yes it does seem logical to have a transition ....what are you planning to do on your visit.....it's so good that you are moving closer.
Sending lots of {{HUGZ}}
|
| |
|
| Dec 11, 2006 @ 7:19 AM |
worse than I thought
|
|
gyspydreamer
Posts: 403
|
What I did do....afterwards...to enhance the ''good'' memories... That kind of stuff does help preserve good memories. My sister gets a dozen roses (her favorite) floated out into the ocean, where he ashes were scattered, on her birthday. We always did the fair for my mother's birthday, as it fell on the same day, and still do.
|
|
| |
|
| Dec 11, 2006 @ 5:38 PM |
worse than I thought |
|
lilbikerchick
Posts: 213
|
Thank you carpe, for the hugs. This should be a very good visit for my son. His grandpa will be there that he hasn't seen in a year and his aunt and cousins that he's never seen in person. All of this is still a surprise, of course. The big black cloud of his dad's health is there but I think it will still be really great for him to see the other side of his family that he never gets to see. I'll definately be sending a camera with him so that he can get lots of pictures of everyone, especially his dad.
|
| |
|
| Dec 13, 2006 @ 10:38 AM |
worse than I thought
|
|
carpediem48
Posts: 3,139
|
Chick....making happy memories.....hoping the ''gentle but powerful breezes of love'' are strong enuf to blow the black cloud away.....at least for a while during the visit.Sounds like it's going to be positive......I've used the disposable cameras...and taken them to wallmart and get the pics put on a disc......is he going to be using a digital .
Gypsy....what a testimonial tradition for your sister....what color roses....I can visualize it...but not the color.
Did you used to go to the Fair with your mom on her birthday.?....do you do the same things now that you did with her?
|
|
| |
|
| Dec 13, 2006 @ 1:38 PM |
worse than I thought |
|
gyspydreamer
Posts: 403
|
Gypsy....what a testimonial tradition for your sister....what color roses....I can visualize it...but not the color. Golden Gardens at Shilshole Bay Marina, our favorite hang out, every July 5th, and the color depends on what the best looking ones at the florist are. Usually those really dark red ones that look like velvet. But I do remember one year that the pink ones just "screamed" at me, so I took them instead.
Did you used to go to the Fair with your mom on her birthday.?....do you do the same things now that you did with her? Every year. Still remember the time my son had to ride home in his underwear because he tossed his cookies on the rides, and how we were all grinning at how embarrassed he was to be in his skivies in front of gram LOL
|
| |
|
| Feb 17, 2007 @ 9:30 AM |
worse than I thought
|
|
briteyes35
Posts: 18
|
Omg im so sorry I could never imagine having to tell a young child this, although it happens everyday to someone. I wish you the best and am sorry to hear such a sad situation
Brenda
|
|
| |
|
| Jan 17 @ 11:58 PM |
worse than I thought |
|
chatty
Posts: 34
|
I can see his dads point of view and yours as well.
His dad can talk to him on the phone daily until he gets worse. His grandfather can tell your son if the father does not want him to see him at all even to tell him that he has the tumor. Your son will want to see him and be there for him I am sure , I know i would, but his father needs to go knowing his son sees him as the strong man and father he loves and not as the sick man he sees when he looks in the mirror now. I would be there when they tell him to comfort him and to help him to understand that dad loves him and that not seeing him in his last days isn't rejection toward him. It is his dad choosing to forever be the special dad he always knew and loved.
|
| |
|
|
|
|