| Feb 27, 2007 @ 1:33 AM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity?
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SpecialMomJen
Posts: 5
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It seems like I cannot avoid the "........Oh my god, I am so sorry!" when I finally mention what is wrong with my son to a potential date.
It's not that I don't appreciate them not saying something like ewww, or whatever, but still, why the pity?!
Then on the other end of the spectrum I get the guys that can't handle the fact that I have to really plan out and schedule a date. They seem to get irritated that my son takes all of my time.
Any advice here? lol
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| Feb 27, 2007 @ 6:17 AM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity? |
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Pfffft
Posts: 15
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Is it possible that they aren't pitying you but are expressing empathy? I think it's a natural human reaction to offer an expression of understanding or support when one hears of things that have the potential of making another's life difficult...
Oh, and if they get irritated, then you can just cross them off and move on... that wouldn't be the kind of man you and your son would need in your life...
Best regards
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| Feb 27, 2007 @ 9:19 AM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity?
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briteyes35
Posts: 18
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Hello
I am the mother of a 9yr with special needs. He is currently bi polar, adhd with hyperactivity, odd and expressive disorder. I have not yet met a man who could deal with it. Here are my thoughts their is goin to b e a time that comes and that perfect man comes along and will deal with it perfectly but for its a waiting game. Trust me i so know how you feel. I hate the pity and just ignore it when it is given to me . If ya ever need to chat send me a email
Brenda
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| Feb 27, 2007 @ 11:55 AM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity? |
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juzhey
Posts: 565
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Pity? For what? You should simply be admired for the strength it takes to deal with a special needs child, and commended for not walking away or giving up like so many parents do with perfectly healthy "normal" kids  . Morons.
If they say, "Sorry" I just ask, "Why? Did you do it?" Then you just get to grin at their reaction, can be very amusing at times. And yes, I used this method for numerous occassions, like a death in the family or anything else.
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| Feb 27, 2007 @ 3:07 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity?
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SpecialMomJen
Posts: 5
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Well if there is one thing Zachary has taught me it's patience. So the waiting game is no prob for me, lol
Thanks
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| Feb 28, 2007 @ 7:04 AM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity? |
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twotall911
Posts: 13,068
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I raised three, no pity, ended up better than me 
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| Mar 1, 2007 @ 12:11 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity?
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Loreli
Posts: 25,820
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Hey Jen 
You cannot avoid, but you can educate.
A good person will appreciate you AND your child.
Do you have a support group?
(you can email me anytime) 
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| Mar 1, 2007 @ 11:12 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity? |
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emptypages
Posts: 1,014
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what's your sons specific disability? Is he autistic? Or is it a physical disability?
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| Mar 5, 2007 @ 9:56 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity?
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SpecialMomJen
Posts: 5
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Well it's not one disability..
Here's his list, although due to legal things I cannot discuss details much:
5 weeks early
3 lbs 12 oz at birth
severe bi lateral cleft lip and palate(partially corrected, almost done!)
hydrocephalus(has a VP shunt)
Heart murmur(no biggie)
Missing right arm- doctor terms= congenital absence of upper right extremity, LOL
MTHFR(DNA thing)
Hindfoot eversion and somehting else..lol
May be missing muscles in his leg
is missing bones and muscles in his right shoulder
Genetic testing still going on, more to find out
Developmentally:
1 year behind
just learned to sit unassited in August
attempting to walk now
can sign 4 words
cannot speak any words
Feeding/dietary problems
low weight gain..
I think that's all...my brain is packed full of information, ugh, lol
and please don't say you're sorry, none of you did it! LMAO
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| Mar 5, 2007 @ 11:22 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity? |
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mzlara388
Posts: 1,029
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My son has issues similar to Brendas. He just comes first. I tell people that he is my gift and I am strong. I have had guys run and I have had guys be in awe of my strength. I just know we are a package and if you take time to know him you love him too. I also tell people that he has a father and that I dont expect them to raise him.
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| Mar 6, 2007 @ 12:28 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity?
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Shortiaintlying
Posts: 1,324
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When I hear, Im so sorry. I think Im not, grin and share why. its not a loss, its a trade. one i wouldnt trade back for anything. thats for my son. now my brand new god daughter ava, her daddy shook her so bad. I wish i could take away the seizures and the pain sh goes threw. So i see both ends of the spectrum here. Im blessed with my sons autism, im so sorry for ava fate. 
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| Mar 8, 2007 @ 1:04 AM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity? |
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sjdw44055
Posts: 3
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Pity, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. I am an active activist, for an Autistic child, and have seldom had anyone play the pity role on myself or on him. You have a responsibility to yourself first, next your child. All others, stand in line. If someone is not capable of seeing what your special child's needs, personality and good qualities are, then they are not worthy of your time. Perhaps, you would be happier networking with men who have special need family members, as they tend to relate better and are more inclusionairy of special needs children.
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| Mar 12, 2007 @ 11:03 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity?
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hellbound1
Posts: 1
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As a parent of a special needs child I notice moreso that what people usually seem to pity is the irregularity of the child and the seemingly non-normal life they are going to live. Somehow I find that dispite these early life complications, life for the child will really be all that irregular.
My daughter was also born with many complications, ultimatly and finaly pointing out that she actually has a genetic disorder. Although she had a VSD repair at 4 months (heart surgery) and has many physical and emotional problems due to her genetic condition, I find it truely sad that most people she comes into contact with for the first time treat her as if she was totally mentally handicapped dispite it is one of the things she is not. Time will show the world just how far greater than "normal" she will be. I hope and encourage the same for you and your son.
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| Mar 27, 2007 @ 10:51 AM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity? |
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lazygirl
Posts: 44
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I am also a parent of a special needs child...Genetic testing is all that is left to do, have to get him to the lab, but with all our children, they get prodded and poked so much, just been holding off on it....It's not going to make his life any better, so a few days/weeks whatever, won't hurt him....
In my case, my son is 7, looks like a normal child except for his hearing aids, so when he has an emotional breakdown, just because he's tired, someone looks as if.....what is wrong with you and him...well, I don't even bother anymore, if regular moms can't handle how he acts at certain times, and has hearing aids, I don't even bother to tell them his issues, they just want to see, what they want to see.....not my problem...So as with Mom's not understanding, I cannot expect men to understand all issues of a special needs child...My soon to be ex. doesn't really understand it all himself...go figure!!!!
Wish everyone well and happy days to come!!
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| Mar 27, 2007 @ 1:30 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity?
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blueyes101
Posts: 12,970
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Here is my 2 cents worth, they say God only gives people things he knows they can handle (although you may not feel that way at the time ). When you mention this to anyone, there is a pause, because one does not know what to say. And since silence is saying something none the less, by saying I'm sorry, I believe, is simply saying, wow, I'm not sure how I would handle that if I was in your shoes.
( have you ever said "Hi how are you today", and they reply, my MOM died this morning) I mean what do you say? I'm sorry, I wish you and your family the best. It may sound like pity, I think it is simply trying to be polite.
I saw a show yesterday, and a guy was trying to console a widow, and she yelled back, I don't want to hear I'm sorry, it won't bring him back............And the guy said, years form now, you may not remember the "i'm sorry ", but hopefully you will remember the love that was shown. JMO
Another thought is the realization that we are frail, and how we take being healthy for granted. I would never make it as a nurse, so I have the utmost respect for them, because I know, I could never do that.... Sometimes we scare ourselves by looking in the mirror , and being afraids of what we see. 
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| Apr 11, 2007 @ 8:01 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity? |
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Shortiaintlying
Posts: 1,324
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Im not sorry for who H ahve or what they are. I wouldnt trade my one Boston for a zilllion that are not. But thanks, save ya pity for the duckilin that just lost its mum.
As for Boston and I we're superheros. 
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| Apr 11, 2007 @ 8:02 PM |
Parent of special needs child, how to avoid the pity?
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Shortiaintlying
Posts: 1,324
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Awww thanks, this means ya gonna give me money? That we needs, ya can bank your pitty. lol
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