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Mar 15, 2007 @ 2:20 PM Single Dad needs help    
bene3283


Posts: 3
One thing that I have noticed recently while attempting to date is, wow, how do you balance it all. First there's work, then school on top of that, and then trying to balance what time I have left between dating and spending time with my son.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything in the world but sometimes feel guilty if I have a date on a weekend when I should be spending time with him. Additionally I have found that many women that I have become interested in are scared off by the fact that I have a child. Should I not tell people that I have a son until later on. That seems dishonest and I really would like to meet people who are OK with the fact that I am a parent.

I guess what I am asking is how some of you balance it all (both men and women). I don't want my son and me to grow apart though I know it may happen in a few years regardless of what I do. I quit dating for over a year now and have devoted my time to him and my education, but I realize now that I need friends in my life. So if there are any suggestions, please!
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Mar 15, 2007 @ 6:37 PM Single Dad needs help    
steveemac


Posts: 2,134
Should I not tell people that I have a son until later on.

Stow that nonsense, Sailor, right NOW! And if any woman has a problem with you having a child-make her walk the plank! Seriously -and I don't know why I got off on that sailor tangent-don't EVER make excuses for being a dad! Remember-your son loves you unconditionally; you deserve the same in a mate!
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Mar 16, 2007 @ 2:29 AM Single Dad needs help    
mzlara388


Posts: 1,009
your son should always come first and never deny he's in your life. It makes it hard to date, but it's not impossible. What you need to decide is how much you can really put into dating if things are so busy too. Our time with our kids is so precious and short. Before long he won't want to hang out with you. A woman who is scared off isn't seeing how much your son is a part of you and you him.
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Mar 16, 2007 @ 2:34 AM Single Dad needs help    
beckyiv42000


Posts: 16,890
mid week dates work if you have weekends with your son... alot of women would love to go out for a movie or dinner midweek.. and like they said^^ NEVER HIDE the fact you have a child.. mainly because and this always happen .. the kid finds out you were hiding him and he wont understand he will just think you were ashamed of him
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Mar 16, 2007 @ 4:01 AM Single Dad needs help    
momma24


Posts: 223
Should I not tell people that I have a son until later on. That seems dishonest and I really would like to meet people who are OK with the fact that I am a parent.


You should see yourself and your son as a package deal. I won't even consider dating someone whom I do not think my son would mesh well with....hence I am single huh? My point is simple...it is not our interest as parents to put our children in second place. Your date should be open to being involved with your child...not a mom replacement...but involved in some realm as if things work out that person will be around your child for quite some time. If you tell a date about your son and she bails...consider that less time wasted on dating the wrong person and more time you can spend finding the right person.

JMHO
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Mar 16, 2007 @ 8:28 AM Single Dad needs help    
bene3283


Posts: 3
I wanted to clarify something. When I asked should I not tell someone about my son until later, I meant it as more of a rhetorical question. I should have worded it differently. Because of my inexperience dating, it was kind of a "Is that what people really do while dating now?" kind of thing. The reason I say that is because I have dated a few women that one did not tell me that she was living with her ex-husband still and one had a very young daughter that she did not mention until much later on. Either of these facts would be no problem if they were not hidden initally. After finding out the way that I did, it became an honesty and trust issue.

I always put my son first in my life and have never lied to anyone or mislead anyone about his existance or importance and never will. Thank you all for all your help and suggestions. It really makes me feel better to hear from all of you.
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Mar 16, 2007 @ 11:11 AM Single Dad needs help    
tonyking3


Posts: 42
i have been a single parent for a long time and it is hard, but you should not feel like your a bad parent just because you need adult time that is normal you want your son see you in relationships thats where he is going to learn how to be a man is by watching you and how he treats females will come from how he see you treat them.. so always be honest if a female cant handle the fact that you have a son then she is not the right woman for you keep looking the right woman is out there and she will want to spend time with you both so your son wont be missing out on time with you
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Mar 16, 2007 @ 11:31 AM Single Dad needs help    
Shortiaintlying


Posts: 1,324
my friend most peeps think that theres no difference in single moms and dads. but there is. Im a full time single parent, and yes there is that guilt. stay in focus to why you are dating. i got a three month rule, if im dating someone for three months then ill introduce them to my family.
Theres no way i would want them arround new dates.
i dont hide the fact, ill even call home to check up on em in front of my date.
you give your life for your children, you live it for you.
date be happy, find that wonderful female that doesnt mind you have this type of baggage. they are far and few between. oh sure youll hear it doesnt matter alot, but the proof in actions.
After awhile if it becomes serious, then you can always share the time together.

good luck and follow your heart.
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Mar 16, 2007 @ 12:28 PM Single Dad needs help    
mzlara388


Posts: 1,009
but you should not feel like your a bad parent just because you need adult time that is normal you want your son see you in relationships thats where he is going to learn how to be a man is by watching you and how he treats females will come from how he see you treat them..

so well said!! Amen. One thing though. I am careful about introducing my son into any dating picture unless I am very serious about the person I am dating. My son still feels that anyone I date is taking his dad's place.
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Mar 16, 2007 @ 4:24 PM Single Dad needs help    
beckyiv42000


Posts: 16,890
The reason I say that is because I have dated a few women that one did not tell me that she was living with her ex-husband still and one had a very young daughter that she did not mention until much later on.

and as you see the TRUST issue comes up now ...myself if i foudn out someone hid that kind of info from me it would be hasta la vista 1) for not being honest and two for them basically being ashamed of thier kids not cool now not letting them MEET the kids right away is a whole diff issue... there has to be earned trust for anyone to meet my kids
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Mar 17, 2007 @ 4:02 PM Single Dad needs help    
steveemac


Posts: 2,134
The reason I say that is because I have dated a few women that one did not tell me that she was living with her ex-husband still and one had a very young daughter that she did not mention until much later on. Either of these facts would be no problem if they were not hidden initally. After finding out the way that I did, it became an honesty and trust issue.

It is an honesty issue-and I can tell that you are like me in how you feel about your children...not telling someone about my having kids? That seems to make about as much sense as trying to convince someone that I don't have both legs or something. If one is a loving parent, our children are a PART of us; an inseperable part, like an organ or a limb.
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Mar 18, 2007 @ 3:41 AM Single Dad needs help    
bene3283


Posts: 3
Thank you all. You have helped me keep my focus. I am a little out of practice dating and I guess things have changed over the years.
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Mar 18, 2007 @ 5:53 PM Single Dad needs help    
JesterDrawers


Posts: 6,173
Sounds like you have your child every other weekend. Any way you could schedule your weekend dating when he is with his mother? I've got mine 365 days a year, so it can get kind of tough. But I've found that anyone worth your time is actually glad that you have a child AND that you're involved in his life. It IS a package deal, and anyone that would view a child as any kind of intrusion on your time together is not someone you want to be dating anyway. As stated above, your child comes first - ALWAYS first - he didn't ask to be brought into this world, and needs to know that you will ALWAYS be there for him, no matter what, no matter who. He'll grow up soon enough and start wanting to spend time with his friends as opposed to with you, so cherish the time you have together right now....it will only come but once.
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Apr 16, 2007 @ 1:53 AM Single Dad needs help    
ad33


Posts: 69
Balancing........being a single parent, it's pobably better defined as alternating. Taking small steps can help make it less of a strain on everyone(you, you're son, and family), it's a much easier transition. Sometimes small steps can be a strain too, in which case, you switch back to the primary objective.

momma24 said:

You should see yourself and your son as a package deal. I won't even consider dating someone whom I do not think my son would mesh well with....

One of the first things I mention is that I have my daughter, and I have her full time.
I'm very adamant about that. If a woman I'm interested in gets scared off, well then she wasn't good enough for me, let alone my daughter.
It can be frustrating not having someone, but being a parent is my first job, and I want it first before anything else.




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Apr 16, 2007 @ 2:20 AM Single Dad needs help    
lukleslov


Posts: 30
As a full time single mom, I actually find it appealing if I guy has children. I find that men with kids are much more understanding to the fact that I cant go out as much as I would like, and are more willing to work with my schedule. And me personally, I would rather get blown off for a night, than have someone not spend time with their child when they only have limited time. Kids are the most important thing we have in our lives. Any woman that you would want to consider seriously dating will completely understand that..or at least you should expect her too. If not, she's not the one worth wasting your time on.
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Apr 16, 2007 @ 11:06 AM Single Dad needs help    
Shortiaintlying


Posts: 1,324
i love women with chldren... im a ture blue mother ummm lover....
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Apr 16, 2007 @ 1:45 PM Single Dad needs help    
salaeni2


Posts: 50
I have to agree, I'm more drawn to someone that has kids of his own. Guys that don't have kids don't understand why you can't just drop everything at a moments notice to be at their beck and call. It doesn't work that way. My son is my life, I'm a package deal, if a guy can't handle that, then I agree with the others, that's not the one for me. Even those of us that have special needs children, it's important that we're there for them when they need us, even if dating is few and far between for a while because in the long run, they'll be happier and it will make the dating scene go alot smoother if they know that they are still #1 and not being "replaced". Just don't ever hide the fact that you're committed to your kids and that they'll come first if something comes up. When the right one comes along, they'll blend in withyour lives like a missing puzzle piece.
Take things slow, make a few friends, even if they are just "chat buddies" for the time being, we all still need that social interaction. Just remember though too... don't neglect yourself. When things get chaotic and hectic, and you're being pulled in too many directions, take that 10 min, half hour, hour, whatever you can squeak out, of quiet time, for yourself, to gather your thoughts, rethink what you know is important, and regroup so you can keep pushing on. People without kids take for granted, sometimes, the amount of energy and time it takes when you do have children.
(now i'm rambling oops...)
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Apr 18, 2007 @ 6:12 PM Single Dad needs help    
ad33


Posts: 69
This subject makes me think of Brad Paisley's "He didn't have to be".
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Apr 18, 2007 @ 8:40 PM Single Dad needs help    
salaeni2


Posts: 50
I LOVE that song
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Apr 19, 2007 @ 8:38 PM Single Dad needs help    
ad33


Posts: 69
salaeni2.......

It has special meaning for me; I'm adopted.
My(adoptive)parents didn't have to do what they did.
Takes brave and courageous people for that kind of thing.
When there's absolutely no question in a person's mind when asked to take on raising a child whether single parent or adoptive parent..........requires something extraordinary, no??
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