| Apr 10, 2007 @ 12:32 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death?
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Wyatt_ash
Posts: 2
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My 3 and a half year olds are even more so now asking questions about death and specifically about how their mother passed. Its difficult enough, wihtout then trying to explain certain things to toddlers. I feel they are too young to know the exact circumstances. I have tried to explain in terms and in a way they will understand, but it doesn't seem to quench their thirst for knowledge on the subject.I Don't feel comfortable telling them that someone had caused her death. She had been killed by a drunk driver. Is it wrong of me to withhold such information when they are so eager to know? I odn't know, I just feel they ae too young and i don't want to give certain information out that may instill an uneeded fear or place hatred in them, if you know what i mean. They don't need to know specifics at this age right? I feel bad for not telling them exactly what they want to know, but i feel a big urge to protect them from it.
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| Apr 10, 2007 @ 12:50 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death? |
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blueyes101
Posts: 12,080
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I agree, exact details are of little use, it could very well create hatred, and that will not serve them well throughout their lives. I feel for you and your children, so much to have to go through, with so little understanding. Making sense of it must be incredibly dificult. Rule #1 people/things die, rule #2 parents cannot change rule #1........I sure you have tried some sort of grief cousiling, if you havn't, please do so.......I wish you and your family the best.........If you belong to a church this may help as well.
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| Apr 10, 2007 @ 12:55 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death?
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momma24
Posts: 410
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I think I would gently make it clear that she will not be able to physically be with them, but will always be with them if you know what i mean. I don't think I would go into the circumstances, no, they don't understand what drunk driving is so I would assume you would have some confused kids on your hands with that. Sorry for your loss. I believe it was Jester who said to me, you will get a feel for how ready they are to receive information about the absence of a parent as you go. Just be honest, and tell them what they need to know based on how much they can understand. My son understands his father is not here and that we are a family but does not yet know the real reasons as to why he is not here. Does that make sense? JMHO, Good luck.
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| Apr 11, 2007 @ 11:00 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death? |
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juzhey
Posts: 565
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Hmmm, can only say what I did, but each situation is different.
When my sister was murdered by his father, no, I didn't tell my son the specifics, he was only 7. What I did tell him was that she would always be looking over him, and he had his own guardian angel now, because his aunt loves him so much she will always be there. Since he had problems getting a hold of her during her life, I also told him that he could talk to her whenever he wanted, and she would always hear, with no voice mail or busy signals.
When the doc killed my mom, my daughter was only 4. No, I didn't tell her specifics. I told her that Gram had been in a lot of pain, and didn't hurt any more. She didn't even need her walker, and was up there dancing with the angels now, in a flowing purple gown. And yes, since my mother doted on her the way she did, I told my daughter that now she had her own guardian angel too.
Over the years those other words have been said (my son is now 26), but back then, nope. Do what you can to comfort, the whole truth isn't a comfort in many situations.
Guess I should ad that for some reason, both my kids were facinated with God since day one, and asked me so many questions that I finally told them I didn't know and to start a list so that they could ask themselves when they got there. Seemed to make them feel much better knowing that my sister and mother were with God now, and no one could hurt them any more.
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| Apr 13, 2007 @ 8:37 PM |
How young is too young to talk about death?
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Martin666
Posts: 2,195
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I think you tell them pretty much everything, if they're asking. Answer each question they ask in a specific way, without elaboration or a bunch of extraneous details or commentary, with as few words as possible. Don't give them answers to questions they don't ask. They''ll stop asking questions when they've got all the information they can handle. They may ask the questions the same way a cat eats: a little here and there over time.
Now here's the trick: do it fairly early in the day when you and they are going to be together during the day, so you're available for follow-up questions, if they have any. Don't do it at bedtime or within a few hours of bedtime, or before or doing an activity out of the house. Leave them processing time, and expect to see some behavior back from them.
Twin boys? Start the conversation around an activity--maybe a walk, or around a meal or other activity requiring light gross motor activity. Talk with both at once and watch the dynamic between them to see which is dealing with it better.
My first job out of college was as a Head Start teacher in the public schools working with 3-5 year olds. They know a whole lot more about the world than you might think they do.
Good luck--and you can't hurt them by telling them the truth. Right now, they're probably thinking it's their fault that mom went away.
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| Apr 14, 2007 @ 12:40 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death? |
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eastham
Posts: 7,914
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As someone who deals with grieving families everyday, I can't endorse grieve counseling and groups enough. Check with your local cancer center for meetings. It doesn't matter your wife didn't die of cancer, the principles for dealing with death and its unfairness are universal. I have several families who have lost children, spouses, etc in a variety of ways and all have gotten help at the local cancer center's bereavement group.
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| Apr 16, 2007 @ 2:29 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death?
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lukleslov
Posts: 36
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I find with my son, that speaking simply and factual usually seems to work. I answer any specific question the best I can, without going into details. If he asks a follow up question, I answer that. He gets as much details as he asks for, no more no less. If he can ask the question he can fairly comprehend the answer. As he gets older, he will occasionally go back to a past conversation and ask more questions. The closest death to him was an uncle and I was very concerned with how to approach originally. I found that just being honest worked the best. He was 3 1/2 then, and now a year later he understands that when someone dies, their bodies are no longer with us, they live in heaven, and we wont be able to actually see them anymore, but they are happy. That seems to be enough for him at this age.
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| Apr 16, 2007 @ 5:50 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death? |
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twotall911
Posts: 13,048
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any age just make sure they understand what your telling them
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| May 24, 2007 @ 7:06 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death?
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hopeful_lady
Posts: 137
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Death is a part of our existence and I agree any age as long as its told in such a way that doesn't frighten the youngster. They watch movies and see people die in those movies don't they. So they know it happens. Whatever religion you are its comforting to tell them their thoughts go somewhere else then. Where thats how you wish to tell it. You can say as a guarding spirit (I like to teach thoughts and spirit are the same).
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| May 24, 2007 @ 9:23 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death? |
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poniepower
Posts: 1,733
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My grandson is 8 mth old and I take him to the cemetary to visit his Uncle Jason all the time. I tell him that Uncle Jason is in Heaven. I will, in time, explain to him what happened to him, but that won't be until him and I are BOTH ready to talk about it.
I also have a 28 month old adopted grandson, who was at the cemetary on Mother's Day with us, and I told him Jason was smiling down from Heaven at him.
The next day, his Mom was here with him, and she was on my computer, where I have a memorial pin with Jason's picture on it, and he was sitting on her lap.
All of a sudden he says," Jason.....tractor". I almost fell out of my chair.
Little ones know more than what you think they do. I have 5 children, and have helped raise my nieces and nephews on both sides of my family.
Give credit where credit is due, those little buggers are ALOT smarter than what you think. What you don't tell them, they'll figure out for themselves.
I wouldn't go into expicit details of what happened to their Mom, JMO, but if you believe in God, and Heaven, tell them God wanted her with Him and she's now their Prrecious Angel, always looking over them. That's what I consider Jason to be. He was only 13 y/o. I lost him 14 mths ago, this coming Friday.
Good luck,
I know it's VERY HARD!
God Bless You and Your Children
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| Jun 1, 2007 @ 5:48 PM |
How young is too young to talk about death?
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hippydippychick
Posts: 40
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I just wanted to reinforce the advice given earlier.
However difficult the question is - answer it simply and directly. Don't elaborate, just answer the question. If they need to know anymore, or if it's something they don't understand then they will ask another question. Your child needs to know that they can ask you anything at any time and get an honest answer. My youngest was 2 when their daddy died and the questions still come.
Good luck and god bless to you and your family.
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| Jun 21, 2007 @ 4:17 PM |
How young is too young to talk about death? |
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your_princess
Posts: 3,389
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I dont think it is every too young to talk about death with children, however specifics need to be age appropriate. If you speak with a counselor or anything on those lines, maybe they have a better idea on what would be most appropriate. There are resources out there to help with this thing, perhaps talking with other parents in the same situation would be helpful as well. 
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| Jun 23, 2007 @ 5:25 PM |
How young is too young to talk about death?
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daisy315
Posts: 4,946
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my nephew had a good grasp of the concept of death at a young age.. Laz was always honest and answered his questions simply. When my dads best friend commited suicide in my dads driveway, I think John was about 3.. and he was Jerry's best little buddy..Laz answered his questions honestly.. no lying.., no sugar coating the answers he wanted to know( and even at 3 years old, he had alot of good questions rolling around in his head).. when at the funeral home, John wanted to see Jerry.. Laz picked him up and let him look and John reached down and touched him and said something to the effect of "I'll see ya in heaven buddy".. my sis has raised one of the most amazing, compassionate , empathetic young men that I have ever had the joy to be around..
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| Jul 2, 2007 @ 5:11 PM |
How young is too young to talk about death? |
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ldsprincess75
Posts: 2
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Hi,
first of all I'm very sorry to hear about your loss... it sounds like you've been through hell and back!.
I think you are right to tell the child about what actual death is , but without going into too many details.
I told my girls about death the day we found a dead fox in the street, and that really helped my explanation that that body was now just an empty shell and that the actual "spirit of the fox" was now happily runninng around in the big "forest in the sky"...
In regard to your situation you could say that it was a bad accident, and that accidents happends, but for now you don't really need to explain that it was a drunk driver... especially because at that age I hope he doesn't know what a "drunk" is...
However I would not wait too long before telling him the whole truth... I would tell the whole story defenetely before the child is nine ot ten...
Hope you'll be both ok
x Sara
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| Jul 9, 2007 @ 2:58 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death?
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Listener999
Posts: 5
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Wyatt, my wife passed away 11 years ago. At the time my children were ages 16, 14, 12 and 5. I had some serious explaining ahead of me. To make the situation more difficult I had to explain the same incident in different ways to accomodate the various age differences. As you, I too lost my wife due to another person.
The advice I offer is be honest. Children will amaze you in regards to handling stressful and tragic situations.
In regards to your situation I would reccomend, if asked, that you tell her she died in a car accident. Perhaps when she gets older you can expand and offer more details.
Good luck, Wyatt and I offer my deepest thoughts and prayers. If you need to ask a specific question or need advice don't hesitate to ask. If privacy is of concern feel free to send me a private message.
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| Jul 26, 2007 @ 7:23 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death? |
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istrianblue97
Posts: 3
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My son was 4 when his grandmother died. We lived with her until the end. I went thru the same thing with him. You sound like a great parent. You are doing the right thing. At that age they do not care about the details. When he was about 5 I got a reallly good book called "where do dinasaurs go when they die". It helped clear alot of unanswered questions. Over the years I give him other facts when I feel he is ready. From the beginning I stressed that she was with her family in heaven. That she was dancing and having a great time. She will always love us. And she would want us to only have happy thoughts about her going away. Sometimes it is not the words but a simple hug or small story about his grandmother that helped the healing. I also gave him a composition book to keep a log of his feelings. He couldn't write but it was full of scribbles and pictures. It was his book and I would only look in it if he brought it out. At about the age of 7 he invited me to a ceremony to retire his journal on grandmother. We have it hidden in a secret place. Not a week goes by that we do not talk about her but it is always filled with laughter.
Take care.
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| Aug 7, 2007 @ 7:53 AM |
How young is too young to talk about death?
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Wyatt_ash
Posts: 2
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Just like to say, a big thank you all for all your advice.
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