| Feb 8, 2006 @ 5:40 PM |
explaining death
|
|
lukleslov
Posts: 36
|
ok, this has really nothing to do with a single parent, but parenting in general. My son is 3 and I just found out that his uncle passed away yesterday. It was his father's brother. Although he doesn't know him well, he has met him, and recognizes him in pictures. He asks about him periodically. This is the first death in the family since my son was born, and I dont know how to explain it to him, but I feel I should offer some explanation as to why he'll never see his uncle again. Does anyone have any advise on how to approach this subject with such a young child?
|
|
  |
|
| Feb 8, 2006 @ 5:51 PM |
explaining death |
|
chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
|
I'm lucky enough not to have had to broach the subject of death with my daughter yet, or at least not about anyone she has actually met or knows. I won't bother to offer my opinions on this because I haven't had to face it, and I think that perhaps someone who has dealt with this is better off giving you any advice they may have. I wish you luck though, I've thought about this recently because I have a couple of family members that are seriously ill and I think I'll be facing it soon..
|
| |
|
| Feb 8, 2006 @ 6:44 PM |
explaining death
|
|
JesterDrawers
Posts: 11,116
|
This is really something that you have to deal with differently, depending on the age of the child. At 3, that's actually one of the easier ages to deal with. IMO, you can tell the child in a very matter-of-fact tone of voice (make sure of this, it'll work out FAR better than the child hearing tears or grief in your voice) that Uncle ____ died.
That simple.
Then the child may ask, "What do you mean by 'died'?"
At that point, I would explain that his uncle simply went to sleep for a very long time, and would not be waking up again, but that he's enjoying his long nap quite well....or something to that effect.
The child could hear other family members talking about his uncle's passing and ask about that. At that point, just ask "Remember when I told you about your uncle going to sleep for a long, long time? Well...when he did, he went somewhere that is so wonderful that he decided to stay there."
Now the good part of all of this is, at 3, the child will usually forget all about it by the time they're 4....and after that, they'll have little to no recollection of anything that happened to them at or before the age of 3.....
|
|
| |
|
| Feb 8, 2006 @ 7:54 PM |
explaining death |
|
ladyraindove74
Posts: 290
|
Very good advice Jester. Children this age don't usually remember unless the person was a big part of their life. They are more accepting of things too.
|
| |
|
| Feb 9, 2006 @ 9:24 PM |
explaining death
|
|
suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
|
Tell the child that the person died. It's like going to sleep only they never wake up. Be gentle, of course, but tell the truth.
My grandma told me that they'd put Andy (the dog) to sleep. I kept asking when Andy was going to wake up. FINALLY someone told me that Andy was dead and would never come back. I waited along time for Andy and wouldn't have if someone had told me the truth in the first place.
I remember my great-grandpa's funeral when I was 3. I insisted on going. He was laid out in the living room. They told me that he was sleeping and would never wake up. I wanted to sit on his lap but I knew that it was better for him to sleep because he was sick and didn't feel very well when he was awake.
|
|
| |
|
| Feb 9, 2006 @ 9:57 PM |
explaining death |
|
SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
|
I guess it's much easier when children have been exposed to animals, either theirs or friends pets. They tend to learn early on that "dead" means "dead" and that dying has nothing to do with a "long sleep" (that phrase used to really freak me out as a kid...~shudder~ relating "sleep" with "dead" kept me awake many a nights for years)
Kids really ARE amazing in their acceptance of the truth. We can build all sorts of scenerios in our heads about how we'll answer their questions and then they hit us with "Oh." and go back to playing with the dog. 
I found that it helped not to make a big drama over crises (a style-difference between my sister-in-law and myself that I observed first hand). Her kids spent years in and out of counselling for one thing and another while my kids, their cousins of the same age, more or less rolled with the punches through all of the identical events...(and mine turned out to be warm compassionate kids then adults, while hers are still self-absorbed)
I'm not saying there's a right way or a wrong way to address these things with kids. I did have pretty good luck with my "easier" way, though.
|
| |
|
| Feb 10, 2006 @ 10:17 PM |
explaining death
|
|
lukleslov
Posts: 36
|
thanks for everyone's advice. Funeral is tomorrow, and I am going alone, without my son, to pay respect on his behalf. I have decided to temporily hold off conversation, until the next time my son asks for him, and then all of your great advice will be put to use. thanks
|
|
| |
|
| Feb 10, 2006 @ 11:31 PM |
explaining death |
|
SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
|
That sounds like a smart plan, luk.
And sorry for your loss.
|
| |
|
| Feb 15, 2006 @ 10:48 PM |
explaining death
|
|
pinklily
Posts: 25
|
We lost my Dad in September. My kids, at the time, were 13, a week from 11, 8 and almost 7. My Dad had been sick for a long time so I had plenty of time to let each of my children know what was happening.
It really depends on the age, how you explain it to them. Simple is best for younger kids. I am completely honest with my kids...and they know and expect that from me. It was so hard on all of them when he died. They were all very close to him. We cried together, and still, at times, cry some more.
|
|
| |
|
| Feb 16, 2006 @ 11:38 AM |
explaining death |
|
t_h_e_b_r_a_t
Posts: 386
|
When we lost my sister, my son was 7. I told him that she didn't hurt anymore (had medical problems), and he would never get a busy signal or an answering machine again, he could talk to her anytime he wanted, because she loved him so much she would always stay close to him.
When we lost my mother, my daugher was 4. I told her that God wanted her to live with him now so she wouldn't hurt anymore (cancer). I also told her to remember how much Grandma missed being able to dance, and that now "if you close your eyes you can see her dancing with the angels. See the way her long purple gown flows and swishes when she turns?" And she, like my sister, would always be close (as a matter of fact we have had some "manifestions" since she passed...).
Both times, I told them that it was ok to cry, and ok to miss her, mommy will too, and to never let it bother them if they did see me crying. I needed to do that sometimes, but it is ok, my face is just leaking.
(I try to buffer things with humor.)
In either case, they were calmer, and I actually got a smile about my face leaking.
|
| |
|
| Feb 19, 2006 @ 8:31 AM |
explaining death
|
|
JenRNinOhio
Posts: 4,161
|
I don't like the idea of relating death with sleeping when talking to kids. It could create fears of sleeping & never waking.
Don't know.
Never had to deal with it until my kids were old enough to understand a bit better.
|
|
| |
|
| Feb 19, 2006 @ 8:33 AM |
explaining death |
|
suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
|
You're right Jen. Apparently the sleep thing was explained properly to me. I don't remember how but it didn't worry me.
|
| |
|
| Feb 26, 2006 @ 8:24 AM |
explaining death
|
|
t_h_e_b_r_a_t
Posts: 386
|
Every kid is different. Curious as to how they handled the story about sleeping without scaring you out of bed time for the rest of your life. Must have worded it VERY carefully. Thank goodness you had someone with compassion and a brain to help you through it.
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|