| Jun 27, 2006 @ 10:07 AM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
RachelVaz
Posts: 1,055
|
This is an issue that has always challenged me - and the question recently was posed to me again - What do y'all think?
|
|
  |
|
| Jun 27, 2006 @ 10:14 AM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
zulamaze
Posts: 1,266
|
stay together so the children can see you fuss and argue -- NO
It is not a healthy way to live. Better to live without a spouse than
for the children to live with that.
They would grown up to think that kind os living is the correct way.
-- no affection, no love, biitterness, hatefulness.
If the parents are not happy, the children will not be happy.
|
| |
|
| Jun 27, 2006 @ 1:04 PM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
SensualGemini
Posts: 3,052
|
stay together so the children can see you fuss and argue -- NO ...It is not a healthy way to live. Better to live without a spouse than for the children to live with that. They would grown up to think that kind os living is the correct way.
-- no affection, no love, biitterness, hatefulness. If the parents are not happy, the children will not be happy.
...Having heard the clip above many times, I would greatly hesitate to implement such thoughts. Yes, you could certainly live without a spouse that you no longer love, but ... The children will suffer all aspects of the broken home, not seeing the other parent very often and even the financial issues of a divorce. Children do not have a choice of being brought into this world and they should not have to pay for the adult problems.
...There was no mention from the OP, of fussing and arguments, but even if there was, it takes two to do so. There was also no mention of marital counseling, clergy, or anything else that may help save the marriage. We are so anxious today, to just throw the towel in for any reason.
...When you put your children first, as you should, you don't have to argue. Another thought, is that if you do today, what you did to get the partner you now have, you might be surprised at the results.
...Of course, if there is physical abuse, or a few other exceptions, then separation or divorce are quite probable. But!... just because you don't get along, have grown apart, are unhappy, the grass looks greener on the other side, or some other BS excuse that is self centered to evade the commitment you have made... is hardly an excuse to cause children to be raised in a broken home.
...Statistics show that children from broken homes are much more likely, as adults, to be divorced themselves. Besides, you can always get divorced later, after you have filled your responsibilities as parents and that sets an example to be followed.
...That was my two cents worth... if in doubt, ask any child from a broken home.
|
|
| |
|
| Jun 27, 2006 @ 3:57 PM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
WickedWench
Posts: 1,613
|
 I think if you have tried everything possible to rectify the problems then it is in the best interest of the children to seperate.
Children are very wise and intuitive. They will pick up on the parents not being happy and ultimately it sends them the message that being unhappy is what marriage is about. And that's not at all what it is.
Chances are also that if the parents are unable to work things out between them as adults, then there are also going to be conflicts of how to raise them ie: discipline, home work etcl. This brings conflict and confusion to the children's lives. If you can't get it together to be a couple how the heck do you expect to be able to do it for the kids? 
And frankly there are a lot of very unhappy married people out there seeking a partner or lover. And if the children find out about that? Or the other partner? Pretty damn tough to explain and cheating is one area where you'll always get caught so now not only have you hurt yourself but your kids too.
I think the answer isn't in the "should we stay together" area but the "Can we figure out how to co-parent these kids when we're not together". Whatever the reason that people choose to no longer be together doesn't justify committing them to a life time of hell and unhappiness. Again kids do feel the bottom line here and if "Dad" or "Mom" is blatantly unhappy and life at home sucks, what message are you sending out? Not to mention you as a person are entitled to a happier life.
And a happy life does filter down to the kids just as well. Staying together for the kids sake is a fantasy of old "wives' tales" and it doesn't work. It also doesn't teach kids that yes you might make mistakes and this is the "adult way" of recitfying them. Role modelling to the children that this is how responsible adults deal with a situation by being respectful and kind to each other when seperated or showing them conflict resolution skills is a bonus in the event you have to seperate or divorce.
Sorry Sensual but if you take those stats of the kids who come from "broken homes" you might find that they equal the stats of kids who came from homes where mom and dad decided to tough it out for the "sake of the children" and they're just as miserable. If not worse. Now those kids have learned to be unhappy and that's not a legacy I would want to teach my son. )
By the way those "broken homes" are not broken, thanks 
We're single parent "families" and we are as "normal" as the two parent families, in fact there are almost as many of "us" as there are "them . Please read my thread on "We are family" if it hasn't disappeared yet Sensual
|
| |
|
| Jun 27, 2006 @ 4:28 PM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
Jankia
Posts: 8,804
|
If two parents are going to remain together if only for the children then thats a great devotion to those children if...
The children are not subjected to signs of hatred but signs of love.They will remember what was shown to them about marriage between their parents and to portray marriage as two parents that cant agree or get along only puts a damper on their own expectations of togetherness when they are older.
Its a respectfull way to raise the children you both wanted to have by remaining together through the thick and thin.Its disrespectfull to stay together for there sake and not remember why you did.If you do it for the kids,do it all for them.Be of and teach good behavior.
|
|
| |
|
| Jun 28, 2006 @ 1:15 AM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
SensualGemini
Posts: 3,052
|
Sorry Sensual but if you take those stats of the kids who come from "broken homes" you might find that they equal the stats of kids who came from homes where mom and dad decided to tough it out for the "sake of the children" and they're just as miserable. If not worse. Now those kids have learned to be unhappy and that's not a legacy I would want to teach my son. )
Wicked! 
...Girl, it is late and you are making me think too much! 
...Where does it say that Mom and Dad have to be miserable; have to show their defiance of each other? They made these kid(s) and just because they no longer feel the lust of their honeymoon, is no reason that the kids should now be writing the check.
...Maybe you are correct about the stats. All funneled down, divorce is often the selfish choice made in today's throw away society; a convenience for most any reason and under the guise that it is better for the kids to not see disgruntled parents. Maybe the parents should not be so disgruntled. Maybe there should be some moral court, instead of divorce court.
...What if there was no option of divorce? What if two people were forced to keep their commitments to each other? For certain, people would take marriage a lot more seriously than they do now. Even more so, they would think before they bring children into this world. And for certain, the children would understand that commitment is just that; for better or worse.
...My stance is not from any religious faction, but from the viewpoint that when two people make a child, they should put the child above their own personal wants and needs. Adults had a choice, whereas children did not.
|
| |
|
| Jun 28, 2006 @ 5:54 AM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
WickedWench
Posts: 1,613
|
 Sensual 
they no longer feel the lust of their honeymoon That's a bad thing isn't it? Kidding..sorry! The lust does die out soon but you have to work on it constantly. Just like a relationship.
But if it's doomed, I believe we can still "parent" our children even if not together. Although I have to say you have got some valid points about the kids not asking to be brought into it but who knew when they were born that it was going to deteriorate.
And, as an adult, aren't we entitled to some happiness as well? While I agree that kids shouldn't pay the price for an adult decision I dont think adults should have to pay the price with thier lives either 
But it's too early for me to really think clearly ?
|
|
| |
|
| Jun 28, 2006 @ 7:18 PM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
SensualGemini
Posts: 3,052
|
I dont think adults should have to pay the price with thier lives either
...Why not? ... the children will have to. Alright, in a perfect world, full of perfect people, both parents would sit down and resolve their issues for the betterment of the children they created. Yes, both parents, because as in any relationship, if only one tries, it will not happen.
...I concede, that we do not reside in a perfect world full of perfect people, with perfect parents. With the percentage of broken homes continually rising in the past 50 years, noncommittal relationships will eventually become the normality.
...Yea, I know.. where is the pulpit!
|
| |
|
| Jun 28, 2006 @ 7:52 PM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
RachelVaz
Posts: 1,055
|
I hear what all of y'all are saying - and I agree to a point. But - I grew up in a home where my parents were together - & they stayed together a lot of the time for us - my sisters, brother, and I... I think that having both parents together is the best thing for the children - but there's a balance - Commitment involves not being selfish - and considering everyone involved.. I feel that is lacking in our relationships today... What do y'all think about that?
|
|
| |
|
| Jun 28, 2006 @ 8:07 PM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
Jankia
Posts: 8,804
|
I agree Rachel,my folks did such a good job of commiting to us kids we didnt know a thing about their relationship going sour long before their divorce soon after my youngest brothers graduation.They stuck together for us and there wasnt any cheating on each other even though divorce was planned for a long time before it occured.
|
| |
|
| Jun 30, 2006 @ 7:06 AM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
lilbikerchick
Posts: 213
|
My ex and I split for almost 2 years. We still did things together with the kids because we we're able to stay friends. There were things in the kids' lives that neither of us wanted to miss so we had to get along to enjoy those things with the boys. Before we knew it, we were feeling like a couple all over again and started talking about our issues. We also realized that we didn't want to share our "family" with someone else. You know, those day to day things, bedtime kisses, helping with homework and such. We learned how to talk about things and what was worth arguing about. I'm sure some situations aren't worth staying together for the kids but I think if there's anything salvagable at all it's definately worth a shot if both are willing to try.
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 4, 2006 @ 2:46 AM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
|
I stayed with my wife for a number of years because of my daughter, and although I don't regret it, it wasn't the right thing to do (in retrospect). However, if I hadn't stayed for so long I probably wouldn't have my daughter living with me now, so it has all worked out beautifully!
|
| |
|
| Jul 5, 2006 @ 11:48 PM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
crissa575
Posts: 23
|
i came from one of those single family homes and ill tell you i am so glad i did because my father was a jerk even now in my adult life after trying twice to talk to him and get to know him he is still the same way it has made me a stronger person today having just my mom and now that my exhusband and i are no longer together i am forced to raise my son alone although i thought i do meant forever i tried to make things work between us but with only one trying and the other one out doing what ever and whoever there is a place and a time to draw the line i even went as far as taking him back a year after our divorce thinking it would be better for little man but it wasnt he heard us argue even tho i tried to keep him from hearing and it finally came to the point when my son then 2 says i hate my dad and when asked why he says cas he hit you and yelled at you and made you cry mommy in the 3 years since his dad has called him 3 times and has now a total of 11 children hmmmmm i think even before the violence came in to play that i should have beat feet out of there.....
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 6, 2006 @ 1:41 AM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
|
Sometimes it is so diificult to make the right decision for your child. If I had left my wife and daughter years earlier, then my daughter would've been happier in the short-term, but would have had little chance of a bright and successful future. But because I stayed and eventually took my daughter with me, she had a few years that were not so good, but now she is the happiest little girl in the world with a wonderful chance to have an exciting and successful future.
|
| |
|
| Jul 7, 2006 @ 12:46 PM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
Cidronlvnv
Posts: 285
|
Absolutely NOT. Would you as a parent, ask you kids to live with a roomate (sharing a house, different rooms)? That is what your husband/wife relationship is AT BEST. I am there right now. Kids may not say anything, but they will "adjust" to the different emotional levels that you may not be aware of. My wife and I have been apart from each others affections and basically emotions for a month basically.. The oldest we told a week ago (due to the possiblity of me takin their bedroom with them movin to another part of the house temporarily until we scare up the funds for me to find a apt). His response was "I knew something was up, but didnt know what". We didnt tell him anything before that, we "pretended" very well etc etc. The third kid who we havent told yet is a bit more easily angered than usual. (he is angered easily anyways, but moreso now). The oldest hasnt told a soul, we know that, so it is in all likelyhood the stress levels, vibes, or whatever you want to call it.. But they know and its not healthy if it persists. One of you, move out at the earliest possible opportunity (as I am soon to do). They will be emotionally and mentally healthier for it. (both short term as well as longterm)
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 12, 2006 @ 6:52 PM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
chelle727
Posts: 4
|
I led a terrible abusive marriage of 29 years with 5 kids, i suffered mental and emotional abuse by him, and our last 4 kids were also mistreated, the one son so bad that he had to be taken frequently to the hospital for injuries, i had to lie cause i was constantly threatened by physical abuse, i loved him very much and couldnt face the fact of raising 5 kids alone, yet alone how could i afford to keep a roof over their heads? i was a school bus driver for 15 years and had a motor route with the local newspaper for years, which the kids helped me do, my 2 oldest daughters held it over on me for ending the marriage like i had to, so they dont talk to me anymore, which deeply affects my emotional health, my 2 sons live with me including my little girl 10, my sons are now 24 and 25 and they hold it over on me each and every day because of their abuse, so i dont know what i really should have done, but in my own words, ITS WORSE TO STAY TOGATHER FOR THE KIDS IF THERE WAS VIOLENCE IN THE FAMILY, AS TO THE FACT OF LOVE MY MARRIAGE WAS ONE SIDED, SO I COMPLETELY RUINED MY LIFE , AND NOW SUFFER FROM BEING ALL ALONE, AND MISERABLE, WITH MY KIDS NOT LETTING ME FORGET THE MISTAKES I MADE.
|
| |
|
| Sep 13, 2006 @ 9:44 AM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
RachelVaz
Posts: 1,055
|
I agree - abuse and violence are never acceptable.
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 14, 2006 @ 2:00 PM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
BaronVonRobenstein
Posts: 20
|
what china bull said was right on the money,i couldnt have said it any better.
thats Exactly what happened to me and my daughter.
Congrats to you man...Stay Strong 
i do wish that all that has happened to us could have been avoided,or resolved,but it just wasnt meant to be.the pain i feel the most is that my daughter lost her mother.
the greatest dad in the world cannot replace a mother....(sigh)
gluck to all of you And your children..
|
| |
|
| Sep 23, 2006 @ 8:26 PM |
Should we stay together for our children?
|
|
waiting326
Posts: 7
|
A note about the  ...Statistics show that children from broken homes are much more likely, as adults, to be divorced themselves. Besides, you can always get divorced later, after you have filled your responsibilities as parents and that sets an example to be followed
Think for a minute. Maybe because the parents stayed together too long. The child must have witnessed too much fighting before it ended. Then when the child gets married and has a very bad quarrel, he may think what long road of fighting is in front of my future.
I think if we as parents were wize, we could sit our kids down and explain what was really wrong with our relationship in the first place. It may make them make a better choice in the first place. Some people do learn from others mistakes.
I had told my children that i had stayed too long, and by doing that I think i did not let them see what a healthy relationship should be like. Then I explained what qualities a healthy relationship should have.
|
|
| |
|
| Sep 27, 2006 @ 9:47 PM |
Should we stay together for our children? |
|
Jankia
Posts: 8,804
|
I guess the point I was trying to make above was that staying together for our children doesnt necessarily mean staying married.
By staying together can mean in keeping your personal battles with each other invisible to your kids for your kids.
One day my daughter-17 told me that a friend of hers wondered why I and her mother got divorced.I had never told her the real reason for our divorce but I thought with her being nearly an adult,I finally would.
I didnt get nearly 30 seconds into my explanation when she stopped me and said...
I allready knew about all of that dad,you dont need to tell me. Kids arent dumb,I have no idea how she got that information because I'm sure her mother didnt tell her.
|
| |
|
|
|
|