| Jul 7, 2006 @ 11:39 AM |
kids come first !
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becca65
Posts: 11
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I have heard this many times.
What exactly do YOU mean when you say that ?
Do you ask your kids who you should date?
If they are happy with your lifes choices?
Make plans around their leisure activites?
eat/ cook/ buy what they like to eat?
Do you assure there is always someone home after school in case they
want something? do you spend your child care money to assure they
have sitters and someone always there? as you may work
How do you put your kids first ?
I am asking because from what I have seen of people who say this. they often dont actually put their kids first only use them as an excuse to do what they want.
Putting your kids first until when? they grow up and move out?
I'd like to know if you have this ideal, EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN
when it comes to dating and your new life as a divorced person.
and to any divorced with kids, HOW DO YOU PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST
WHEN YOU ONLY SEE THEM EVERY OTHER WEEKEND?
Is this reasonable to try being they have another home, parent and set of rules
that they are being raised by? often maybe not the same as yours.
thanks in advance for your comments.
SO HOW DO KIDS COME FIRST WHEN IT COMES TO DIVORCE, DATING ?
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| Jul 7, 2006 @ 12:35 PM |
kids come first ! |
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Cidronlvnv
Posts: 285
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Kids HAVE to come first. At least the method you deal with them. First, and foremost is HONESTLY.They are alot smarter than you think. Remember, you raised them and you do recall their report cards. If they can manage to work up the courage to ask, you are obligated to answer them in a meaningful way. Not a "whatever" or "because" or "you dont need to know" or some other way. Do not give them a babyish answer or condecending one. They are under some stress as well and will need encouragement and comfort. If at all possible, make sure that both parents are forthright with the answers, and try to have both present answering. Lets them know that both are in some agreement. Mixed answers lead to confusion and frustration.
As for single dating by each parent, It happens. Just make sure that they know you are not trying to "replace Mom/Dad" (joint custody helps here). The parent without the kids have it easier though. Yeah, they see the kids two, three days maybe so that leaves four to five dating days. Problem is, its probably workdays too. But, again, kids come first.
Alot depends on the ages of the kids too.... But thats another topic to deal with...
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| Jul 7, 2006 @ 12:47 PM |
kids come first !
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becca65
Posts: 11
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tell me exactly what that means to you
by the questions I asked in post 1...
the kids here are 13 and 16. Not babies.
I can understand a baby has to come first as they are dependent on others for everything.
Not so with older kids.
does this mean you do the things I asked in post 1?
asking for some specifics... of exactly what this means
to put kids first?
I do not know if my bf's daughter is trying to exploit him and the divorce...
because to me, her thinking and her mothers thinking are totally upside down.
To them it means... to make them happy... and happy means... to buy them whatever they want... to not come hiome at night because they are having fun...
to call at midnight asking for a ride then calling to change their mind
( waking them up and dad has to be at work at 3am)
and that often involves things like handing over cash and buying a new car.
When he doesnt do it... she says he is not putting her first
and she refuses to see him...
as well as gives him attitude and threats.
so explain to me how to put kids first?
PS.. he gets them every other weekend, they do not live with him.
Their mother tells them and the dad, that they come first and its dads job to give them things... over and above child support...
because thats his job.
thanks
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| Jul 7, 2006 @ 1:27 PM |
kids come first ! |
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painter007
Posts: 17,921
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My sons have always came first for me. Didnt date for over 10 years because I didnt want someone coming into our lives and maybe leave ...too much for their little hearts.
I have never had them in day care Have always figured out work to do or create jobs so that they always came home to me being there. I was able to attend field trips...sports practices and games....and any other function I was needed.
As they got older into high school...I am always home when they are finished with school and practice. First thing when they come in the door its "mom were home"
I usually have a house full of boys whos parents arent home so they come here.
Their dad lives 2 hours away and not involved and I only take 500 a month for child support so its not because of him Im here for them. I have done it myself.
I think it has paid off...my sons are all As in school. excel at sports and arre well rounded loving giving strong youngmen. They have said when they have kids they will not have their wife work.
We are close and a strong family unit and I feel because of my dedication to them ... that the effects of divorce and single parenthood has been minor.
Yes my sons come first always...............
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| Jul 7, 2006 @ 1:34 PM |
kids come first !
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becca65
Posts: 11
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painter I admire you for not dating to raise your kids.
Unfortunate with my bf, his ex is dating heavily and many guys.
She has primary custody.
His ex does not feel he should date and make the kids first priority
but he only gets them every other weeknd and they more now accustomed
to more or less doing whatever they plase because they say " mom lets them"...
how would someone put children first that only sees them every other weekend?
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| Jul 7, 2006 @ 1:55 PM |
kids come first ! |
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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Quick answer....
"Kids come first" means that when you have to make a choice between what's right for YOU and what's right for the KIDS that you choose what's right for your children.
As to your specific questions....
Do you ask your kids who you should date?
Your dating life should be conducted in a way that's age-appropriate for your children. No, that doesn't mean asking your kids for permission or their blessing, necessarily, but it also shouldn't mean an endless parade of "mommy's and/or daddy's" dates run through your living or bedroom where your kids have a front row seat to your personal drama.
It also means that you don't put your kids in harm's way by dating someone who might cause them harm, cause you harm, or put them in an unsafe environment. Regardless of how much you "luuuv" the bad boy.
If they are happy with your lifes choices?
Again, these conversations take place at age-appropriate times for your children. There's nothing wrong with discussing your choices and the decisions you've made with your kids.
Make plans around their leisure activites?
Um....duh. Yes. Do you not go to your kids' leisure activities? Are you not involved with seeing them in the sport of the season or cub/boy/girl scouts? If they're having a sleepover at someone else's house, do you not use that time to have your own personal time, whether it's an hour-long bubble bath or going on a date?
eat/ cook/ buy what they like to eat?
Within reason, parents always take their kids' likes/dislikes into consideration. That doesn't mean you only buy what they like and never prepare what they don't. How many kids hate vegetables, but parents continue to put them on little plates and say, "no dessert unless you try it!"
Do you assure there is always someone home after school in case they
want something?
This must be a rhetorical question, because I can't imagine anyone NOT making sure their kids are in a safe environment after school.
do you spend your child care money to assure they
have sitters and someone always there? as you may work
I'll respond to this by telling you what I always told my exhusband when he complained about his child support. "How nice it must be to designate a finite amount of money for child support. 100% of the money I make goes to support my children and make a home for them. Any money I get from you is simply reimbursing me for money I've ALREADY spent. If you have a complaint about the way you think your child support is being spent, I'll be happy to give you a complete, itemized breakdown of exactly what I spend on making a home for my children, so you can see just how little you actually contribute."
Child support questions piss me off.
How do you put your kids first?
See first 'quick' response above.
Putting your kids first until when? they grow up and move out?
On some level, parents never stop putting kids first. You don't stop being a parent because your kids are grown. In our older years, we make decisions about life insurance and health insurance, etc., that are in part based on not wanting to leave our kids with nothing or not wanting to a be a 'burden' to them.
HOW DO YOU PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST WHEN YOU ONLY SEE THEM EVERY OTHER WEEKEND? Is this reasonable to try being they have another home, parent and set of rules that they are being raised by? often maybe not the same as yours.
It doesn't matter if you only see or have custody of your child every other weekend. You're a parent 24/7. You attend the school, sport, etc., functions. You call them frequently. You make sure they know you're thinking about them when they're not with you. When you only have a limited time with them, you spend that time with them, and not with your boy/girl friend of the week.
You provide CONSISTENCY for them. You may not want to follow every little rule at their 'main' home, but you should at least not be completely opposite. There's no reason why two parents can't come up with some semblence of 'separate but equal' rules for both households.
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| Jul 7, 2006 @ 1:56 PM |
kids come first !
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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Quick answer....
"Kids come first" means that when you have to make a choice between what's right for YOU and what's right for the KIDS that you choose what's right for your children.
As to your specific questions....
Do you ask your kids who you should date?
Your dating life should be conducted in a way that's age-appropriate for your children. No, that doesn't mean asking your kids for permission or their blessing, necessarily, but it also shouldn't mean an endless parade of "mommy's and/or daddy's" dates run through your living or bedroom where your kids have a front row seat to your personal drama.
It also means that you don't put your kids in harm's way by dating someone who might cause them harm, cause you harm, or put them in an unsafe environment. Regardless of how much you "luuuv" the bad boy.
If they are happy with your lifes choices?
Again, these conversations take place at age-appropriate times for your children. There's nothing wrong with discussing your choices and the decisions you've made with your kids.
Make plans around their leisure activites?
Um....duh. Yes. Do you not go to your kids' leisure activities? Are you not involved with seeing them in the sport of the season or cub/boy/girl scouts? If they're having a sleepover at someone else's house, do you not use that time to have your own personal time, whether it's an hour-long bubble bath or going on a date?
eat/ cook/ buy what they like to eat?
Within reason, parents always take their kids' likes/dislikes into consideration. That doesn't mean you only buy what they like and never prepare what they don't. How many kids hate vegetables, but parents continue to put them on little plates and say, "no dessert unless you try it!"
Do you assure there is always someone home after school in case they
want something?
This must be a rhetorical question, because I can't imagine anyone NOT making sure their kids are in a safe environment after school.
do you spend your child care money to assure they
have sitters and someone always there? as you may work
I'll respond to this by telling you what I always told my exhusband when he complained about his child support. "How nice it must be to designate a finite amount of money for child support. 100% of the money I make goes to support my children and make a home for them. Any money I get from you is simply reimbursing me for money I've ALREADY spent. If you have a complaint about the way you think your child support is being spent, I'll be happy to give you a complete, itemized breakdown of exactly what I spend on making a home for my children, so you can see just how little you actually contribute."
Child support questions piss me off.
How do you put your kids first?
See first 'quick' response above.
Putting your kids first until when? they grow up and move out?
On some level, parents never stop putting kids first. You don't stop being a parent because your kids are grown. In our older years, we make decisions about life insurance and health insurance, etc., that are in part based on not wanting to leave our kids with nothing or not wanting to a be a 'burden' to them.
HOW DO YOU PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST WHEN YOU ONLY SEE THEM EVERY OTHER WEEKEND? Is this reasonable to try being they have another home, parent and set of rules that they are being raised by? often maybe not the same as yours.
It doesn't matter if you only see or have custody of your child every other weekend. You're a parent 24/7. You attend the school, sport, etc., functions. You call them frequently. You make sure they know you're thinking about them when they're not with you. When you only have a limited time with them, you spend that time with them, and not with your boy/girl friend of the week.
You provide CONSISTENCY for them. You may not want to follow every little rule at their 'main' home, but you should at least not be completely opposite. There's no reason why two parents can't come up with some semblence of 'separate but equal' rules for both households.
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| Jul 7, 2006 @ 1:57 PM |
kids come first ! |
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razzired
Posts: 2,922
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damn...how did that post twice?
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| Jul 7, 2006 @ 2:04 PM |
kids come first !
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littleross
Posts: 249
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it was a good post razzi - x2!!!!
Child support questions ALWAYS piss me off.
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| Jul 7, 2006 @ 2:15 PM |
kids come first ! |
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Cidronlvnv
Posts: 285
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Havent gotten there yet as we are still under the same roof, though seperate rooms (within a week).. work shifts helps to minimize our "uncomfortable/uncertainty of what he/she is doin in my bed".. But, I will give a try to answer or at least address your semi reply to my post..
The kids here are 12, 10, 9, and 8.. all boys and "aware of dating and the opposite sex" in relatively advanced terms.
I will ask their opinion of a particular girl, if she becomes important. I dont want to seem like a "cat on the prowl" to them by asking about every girl (making it seem acceptable as a routine)
Plans for shared leisure activities - Yes, Most definatly!!
When they are with me, it will be something they enjoy to eat.. Heck, I may jus take them shopping time and availability permitting.
I will be there (at least on the phone, and in person if need be) anytime.
They have never had a babysitter, save grandma or greatgrandma. No need to start now. Our schedules are no different, just an added location. (and an added activity)
As for gifts.. They are to be equivilent, hers and mine to them. We earn similar. I dont believe in "bribing" the kids with pipedreams or insane gifts. They get what they earn. They have done so since they learned that. If they want a car, let them buy it. I bought my first, my wife bought hers, no need to change. A bit of time walking, biking, bussing will get them to thinking about a car.. Let them get a job and earn one. Gifts wont build the ideals of having a good job. Earnings and self-rewards will.
I have always been an idealist. The world isnt perfect, my breakup is proof. (We are terriffic together, fantastic friends.. but incompatible.. as light and day. As friends, it works). But, Being an idealist, I can make this work with my ex's help. She and I both agree that the kids absolutely must come first.
My parents got divorced when I was 14. They did good by me, raising me etc. So say all the people that meet me. So, I am taking my cue from them on the "how to's". Most all the teachings before have been dead on, no need to change that now. After they split up, it was just the three of us, mom, my younger sister and I. Mom didnt date for a couple years recovery period, coming to grips with herself and all that. Once she did, she did get the mixed bag of goodies (and baddies). But, once she calmed down from that she finally got a prize. That route and lessons observed and learned is the route I am taking with minor modifications. It worked once (twice inc sister) so, here is hoping for more. Gotta be honest though. Kids know when you lie or arent completely truthful.
We have also agreed upon no child support in allocated amounts, nor mandatory payments. Simply, toss a few bucks, have them over an extra night to let the other work that extra shift/day, etc. Aid but not in mandatory, nor governed, nor contractual manners.
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| Jul 8, 2006 @ 8:31 AM |
kids come first !
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LSU79
Posts: 323
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To them it means... to make them happy... and happy means... to buy them whatever they want... to not come hiome at night because they are having fun...
to call at midnight asking for a ride then calling to change their mind
( waking them up and dad has to be at work at 3am)
and that often involves things like handing over cash and buying a new car.
When he doesnt do it... she says he is not putting her first
and she refuses to see him...
That's not "putting the kids first", that's spoiling them rotten and emotional blackmail.
I have joint custody (week at a time), and they (ages 11 and 16) know the same rules apply to both houses, and if they're punished by one parent, that punishment follows them to the other house. I thnk of it as "joint parenting" My ex is able to buy them more material things, but I'm able to spend more time with them, ie, my ex bought my daughter a car, but I'm the one who taught her to drive (and I have the gray hair to prove it). The downside is is that it's kinda like still being married, with only the bad parts, and none of the good ones, but that's putting the kids first.
As far as dating goes, I only date on my "off " weeks, at least until I find someone I'm really serious about a future with. That way, the kids aren't getting close to people who won't be there forever. This has probably cost me some relationships, since I'm only available half the time, but that's putting the kids first.
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| Jul 11, 2006 @ 5:30 AM |
kids come first ! |
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lilbikerchick
Posts: 213
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Sounds like your bf and his ex need to set some parenting guidelines together. I would also think that if he only has is kids every other weekend that he could do that without you there. It's not a lot to ask that he give up 4 days a month to dedicate completely to his kids. My opinion is child support is used to provide a home for his kids. Rent, utlilites, child care, health care,and clothing. It wouldn't be unreasonable for for a child to ask for money but that child should also earn that money. The same as you would give your child an allowance for chores if they lived with you full time.
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| Jul 11, 2006 @ 2:52 PM |
kids come first !
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luvmycats
Posts: 10,212
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I have just made a decission for MY child. When I (we) decided to move up here (80 miles) from friends and family. I promised him he would never have to change schools again. (I have NEVER broken a promise to my kids) When my husband died and we couldn't afford our house without his income, my son "realeased" me from that promise. I told him we would just see what happened and I would do everything in my power to stay here. Yes, if has been very hard, I really could have used the support of my family these last few months, but I have survived. Yes, he did see me go through some very tough times, but he was there for me. Now, I am finally there for him again. We have to move from this house soon, forecloseure is progressing. I sat him down last week and told him we have enough money to move ONE time, weather it is acoss town, down home, or to Florida with his sister. I told him to think about it while he was at work and let me know what he thought. I have done this many times with both of my kids when it came to big decisions affecting all of us. I don't let them make the decision, but I do want to hear their feelings on it. When he came home from work, I asked him what he thought. He then asked me, how do you feel mom? I told him I would tell him after he told me how he feels. (I was ready to move to Florida) He said he really would like to stay here with his friends and this school. So I told him that is what we would do. Yesterday we got so Lucky! We found a modular home to BUY that we can afford. I will be buying it on contract and they will buy it back from me in 2 years. We aren't either one to keen on the idea of living in that neighborhood, but figure we can stand it for 2 years and I won't be throwing my money away on rent. As I said, I was ready to move to Florida, but I want what is best for him, and I agree this will be the best. 2 years is nothing in my life right now, it is HUGE in his though. He has had to change schools way too many times under conditions out of our control. This is the first school he has actually liked since Kindergarden. I don't feel I let him dictate what we were going to do. I was willing to do any thing he wanted, I just gave him the opptions I was comfortable with. Plus, he is 16 and is old enough to understand so much. He has a job and is learning even more about how money works. His dad has never spent anything above child support. $150.00 a month, until my husband passed. He did take him the other day and bought him some boots for work. Never helps with school clothes, book rental, and gives him crap for birthdays and Christmas, if he remembers then. Hardly ever visits him. My son is very good about me and dating though, he knows he comes first but he has never taken advantage of it. I didn't date for 2 years after our divorce either, but when I did start I only dated when he wasn't home, (with his dad, grandparents, aunts) when I did find someone that I thought would be around for a long time I would then let him meet them. I am by no means saying I am the perfect single parent, but I know I did something right, because my daughter tells me, now that she is grown and has a child.
BTW I agree with everything that Cid and Razzi said. It sounds like buying love to me.
Good luck to you
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| Jul 16, 2006 @ 11:11 PM |
kids come first ! |
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Jankia
Posts: 12,603
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so explain to me how to put kids first?
By both divorced parents keeping there reasons for being divorced always on the back burner when it comes to raising their children.
Since they werent the reason for the divorce,they dont need it constantly interrupting their lives.
They are the ones that suffer,put them first to limit that suffering.
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| Jul 19, 2006 @ 6:32 PM |
kids come first !
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Loreli
Posts: 25,825
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 Jankia!
It is always best to be supportive of each other as parents, even after a divorce. Wish it always worked that way....
People that choose to have children should make parenting, in any situation, the priority. All else should be secondary.
I dated several fun, great, interesting guys after my divorce. But if they didn't care for kids, didn't try to connect with the kids, I couldn't continue dating them. I dated one man with children older than mine, loved them to pieces, and stayed in touch with them throughout their high schooling, proms, graduation. One even came to stay with me after his Dad and I stopped dating, because he knew I loved and accepted him, and it was ok all around.
Once you have children it is the best interest of the child that determines what kind of household you run for them.
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| Jul 19, 2006 @ 11:54 PM |
kids come first ! |
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jamminjerry
Posts: 4,086
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my reply is vain because i don't have any kids! but, my ex pointed out that she would have been jealous of the kids. she knew of my affinity towards kids. :o)
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| Jul 20, 2006 @ 9:09 AM |
kids come first !
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Jankia
Posts: 12,603
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Once you have children it is the best interest of the child that determines what kind of household you run for them.
Exactly Loreli,to bad that isnt taught to soon to be newlyweds more often.
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| Jul 20, 2006 @ 1:15 PM |
kids come first ! |
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Cidronlvnv
Posts: 285
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Being supportive of the kids isnt buying them the latest game platform, the latest DVD, the lastest computergame, and definatly not a car at 16. Supporting them is helping them with homework, making sure that they know that they are welcome at BOTH homes (or at worst, yours), being there for those "firsts" (first win, first girlfriend, first dance, first date, first public performance), being there when they need a friend, being there when they need ... a shoulder (but wont admit it cause its not cool), being there when they turn 21 so you can take them to the strip bar for a lapdance on their birthday.. (ok, i admit it, that agreement i have with my oldest, with the payee bein the one that hasnt gotten their drivers license - he has 7 yrs, i have the same time to get stuff straightened out back home!! - remember, i procrastinate!).. but, back to the topic.. being supportive. Basically, be the kids biggest fan, not the kids bank.
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