| Mar 31, 2008 @ 5:57 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
luvmycats
Posts: 10,208
|
When someone is dying, and you are supposed to love that person, but you really hate them, how do you work through it?
My sperm donor is dying. I have been hearing this for years. I guess this time its true. I got word from my daughter that my aunt had called her. She didn't have her number, so I finally tracked down one of my uncles today. He told me, this time its true, he and another uncle had went to see him. He is now blind and didn't know either of them. I have talked to this uncle about my feelings before so he understands, but being a man from the old school days, he didn't know what to say to me either.
Have any of you been through anything like this? How did you handle it?
|
|
  |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 6:06 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
beckyiv42000
Posts: 14,576
|
Luvy hon no one says you HAVE to love someone or even care... you only can feel what is in your heart ... I know there are people who others say I should care about or love because they are family and honestly I could give a rats ass about ...When my father passed I heard of it second hand from my mom (seeing as she had been back east when it happened) I didn't even cry .. actually wondered about that for a bit too after all he was my father.. but not ever meeting him there was no connection I guess  did i regret not meeting him yeah I did and do sometimes still only so that i would KNOW where I came from ... Luvy do not let this get to you .. please dear one  and KNOW that WE love you and CARE about you
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 6:07 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
pamdemonium
Posts: 17,347
|
You try to realize that whatever unfortunate things happened were about HIS journey here...not yours. You take being there as the blessing that it is, because let's face it...dying is as personal as anything anyone will ever do. You couldn't be there when he was born, but when he dies, you can. And at some moment, you can realize that something wonderful and as close to a miracle as anything you'll ever experience is happening. His soul will be part here and part there as he slips away. Say a prayer for him at that moment and be all the better for it.
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 6:11 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
Snappygoddess
Posts: 5,099
|
Luvs..if you read my blog I wrote back in January called "My Father, My Forgiveness"... then you can see that I can identify with what you feel to a degree.
I thought I hated my father for years(and you may very well hate yours) but after I started the healing process and realized I had to face him with the truth of the abuse he had done to me..and then did face him... I was finally able to forgive(even though he never acknowledged any wrong doing) and the full healing started. That was 4 years ago..and when I found out he was dying just this January..I spoke with him and even though he still never admitted any wrong doing...it was put to rest...until he died and then I started having bad dreams. After much meditation I am finally able to put it all behind me. As far as that area of my life.. the healing has taken place and I have been able to move on.
I pray the same for you, my friend
If you honestly feel that you hate him.. do not feel obligated to see him, talk to him or even acknowledge his existance. Do what you have to do for YOU. On the other hand, if you need to see him to be 100% certain that you dont love him...do it. It may also help get the anger and bitterness out for good.
Whatever you choose to do....do it for YOU not him. Forgiveness is not for the abusers sake.. it's for the victims own peace of mind and heart.
I am here if you need to talk 
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 6:36 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
luvmycats
Posts: 10,208
|
Becky, the thing is, I have such a forgiving heart, and he has stomped on it so many times. I can remember WAYYY back when I was Daddy's little girl. Then as the years progressed so did his drinking and abuse. Thats where I stuggle. I know a tiny part of me still loves him, but so much more hates him for the many wrongs he committed. One of those being, "where I came from". When they got divorced, he told my sister and I that his side of the family, wanted nothing to do with us. He told them, we wanted nothing to do with them. For 30 years, I felt the loss of that part of my family. That is what I can't forgive.
Pam, thank you for taking the time and caring enough to post. But I know I can't do that. I just don't have enough forgiveness in me for that. (secretly, that little girl in me is still scared he will jump up and start beating me)
Snappy, I applaud you for having the courage you did. I don't have it. Like I said to Pam, I am still scared of him. Even with the knowledge of what kind of shape he is in now.
I also have to deal with the rest of the family, if they found out I did try to go see him. They CANNOT forgive him, and with good reason. They could never understand why I could go back and see him, and forgive time after time. Thats just me.
I'm just real confused, and as always turn to my friends here.
You NEVER let me down.
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 7:08 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
graywolf
Posts: 44,520
|
luv, many times people do not realize that we can "love" someone and at the same time not like them the least little bit. If you think about that point a little it might help in your situation. Often times a child feels bad when a parent dies because they know they should love them but at thae same time they really do not like them. I agree that we should love that person as our parent but also believe that we do not have to like them as a person even the least little bit. don't know if this will make any sense to you or not and if I need to explain in more detail just let me know via e-mail and I will give it my best shot.
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 7:17 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
ISSUESWOPTIONS
Posts: 8,070
|
luv???? we are ALL dying. why would it take one moment to change?
live like there is no tomorrow and you will find the answer that you seek.....
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 7:33 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
ColdinWisconsin
Posts: 9,987
|
Oh man honey......sometimes....and I know that there are MANY who will chew me up and spit me out for this......but sometimes it's a release for more than one person when someone finally goes. It just is.
And this does not make you a failure. In life, in love or in choices.
Sometimes when you have doubt, you have to look around you. REALLY look around you. And see all of those wonderful people who really DO love you. There is a reason they do.
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 7:35 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
Loreli
Posts: 25,399
|
Luvvy-
go with your heart, it will lead you to forgive and forget....for YOUR own good-not his.
If he really is dying, he can't hurt you anymore. Do what will settle the matter for YOU.
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 7:58 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
BandTMom
Posts: 38,048
|
Everyone has already said the same thing I would have. You are such a loving person.
I have a little exercise that might help you find compassion and forgiveness if you want to. Email me if you do, but you do what's best for you. If he doesn't recognize anyone, he's past it all anyway.
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 8:29 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
luvmycats
Posts: 10,208
|
Thank you all.
Gray you did make sense, and I am one of those that tells people the same thing. I just couldn't hear it myself.
Sabian, I don't understand anything that you said. Can you explain it a little better?
CW, I love you! For years now, I thought that is what I would feel, just relief. But that tiny little girl just won't hush up! She still has a few memories of Daddy. 
Loreli, I am going to work on that, but its going to take more time.
Mom, I will email you. Thanks.
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 8:48 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
Loreli
Posts: 25,399
|
You know you can call anytime, hon...
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 8:57 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
donna65806
Posts: 5,127
|
Luv, sweet lady I am so sorry for what you are going through emotionally. You were hurt so bad by him and those scars will never heal. You owe him nothing, you owe yourself internal peace and should not feel you have to do anything.
My prayers are with you
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 9:12 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
sciurusniger
Posts: 2,958
|
You are never under any obligation to someone who walks out of your life. Or tosses you out of theirs.
Those who refuse to acknowledge the emotional and physical pain they've caused others are so, so lost but you have to understand there is nothing you can do to bring them back. All you can do is let that little girl mourn the loss of her father, and allow the woman to finally close the door and walk away her Self.
All of this angst will pass in time. Sooner than later he will, indeed, be gone for good. If there is something you want to do, do it now. If doing nothing is your choice, own it. Then let it all go.
He can't hurt you now unless you let him. It's silly to waste these precious moments feeling anything the least bit bad about things over which you didn't then and don't now have control.
Oh, did I mention this is perfectly NORMAL?
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 9:18 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
pamdemonium
Posts: 17,347
|
Luvy, you're afraid of him, and he's in his weakest state dying. Don't you think he knows what he's done? He's got more to be afraid of than you do. Forgiveness can be liberating.
Of course, if all else fails you can always wait until the burial, sneak back to the cemetary at night and pi- - - I almost said something not nice. Don't forget the toilet paper.
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 9:29 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
kattsmeow
Posts: 22,625
|
Some how you need to get rid of the hate Luv's. To me it is the worse emotion to keep inside of you. It eats you away.
Smarter people than me have told you many things I am sure, but would facing him help you get on with your life?
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 9:45 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
Snappygoddess
Posts: 5,099
|
I am still scared of him. Even with the knowledge of what kind of shape he is in now.
Oh honey.. I soooo know that feeling!! I didn't see my dad for 16 yrs.. could not even look at a pic of him without cringing..so evil were his eyes. But the moment I stood in front of him and looked him square in the eyes.. I took back my power and I saw him for what he truly was.. a broken down, sick and dying old man who couldn't hurt a thing. That was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life...and I am no more courageous then you
Once you get back that power.. NO ONE can ever hurt you again. Dont worry about your family.. if they love you, they will understand what u need to do. Not all of my siblings were able to forgive my father before he died either....it's different for everyone.
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 9:51 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
ISSUESWOPTIONS
Posts: 8,070
|
Years ago I heard the phrase "Live in the now!" I really didn't understand that until KAOS and Sweetheart. "Later, tomorrow, next week, next year is not granted to us, only NOW!" So live like tomorrow doesn't exist. Hold no grudges, spare no love, and   . But no matter what....love life to its fullest because in the end there are NO regrets..... 
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 10:03 PM |
When someone is dying...
|
|
daisy315
Posts: 4,946
|
Luvs.. I felt the same way about my real father.. It didn't bother me a bit when I was told he was dying.. I forgave him for the hell he put us through.. but that was for my healing.. he denied he ever did anything wrong..But all the men in his family were the same.. they denied any wrong doing to their families.. what you do and how you deal with this is up to you alone Luvvy
Respect has to be earned.. I had absolutely none for my father.. no tears were shed by me when he died
|
|
| |
|
| Mar 31, 2008 @ 11:26 PM |
When someone is dying... |
|
blueyes101
Posts: 12,080
|
My mother was an alcoholic, and although I loved her, I sure did not when she was drinking. Near the end, when she was in her weakest state, I realized, this was the real her, and the first time I had seen it for quite some time.
I'm glad I was there in the end, but it sounds like he is too far gone now.
Just keep telling yourself the man you grew to ( hate or whatever ) is already gone, now his body is just catching up.
It is up to you, but perhaps seeing him in this state might help.
|
| |
|
|
|
|