| Jan 19, 2006 @ 3:47 PM |
Abusive relationships
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Thor1960303
Posts: 3,345
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I'm just curious here,you ladies that have been in the cycle of abusive relationships,What initially attracted you to the abusive person?If you left this person and went back..why?If you left this person and got involved with another abuser,what attracted you to him?
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| Jan 19, 2006 @ 3:50 PM |
Abusive relationships |
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,813
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I guess it depends on what kind of abuse you mean..physical or mental?...or both? 
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| Jan 19, 2006 @ 4:00 PM |
Abusive relationships
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suthunsweet
Posts: 227
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I'm just curious here,you ladies that have been in the cycle of abusive relationships,What initially attracted you to the abusive person?If you left this person and went back..why?If you left this person and got involved with another abuser,what attracted you to him?
The strength and "concern" for me which later turned into control. Mental and emotional abuse. The abuser typically makes you think that you cannot live without him and that everything they do is somehow your fault. I have seen this as well as somewhat experienced it.
The victim will actually defend the abuser to others and believe they are to blame for the abuse.
Why find another? Your self esteem is destroyed and you look for that next controlling person to take over I suppose.
My humble opinion.
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| Jan 19, 2006 @ 4:51 PM |
Abusive relationships |
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Thor1960303
Posts: 3,345
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guess it depends on what kind of abuse you mean..physical or mental?...or both
***************
Both.
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| Jan 19, 2006 @ 4:56 PM |
Abusive relationships
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,813
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Well then I was never physically abused..mentally yes...and he didn`t start that abuse until after we were married...but once I threw him out..I never took him back...
what attracted me too him..he had a great personality and I like that in a man..its one of the things i look for..but after we were married that all changed..
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| Jan 19, 2006 @ 5:03 PM |
Abusive relationships |
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Thor1960303
Posts: 3,345
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The strength and "concern" for me which later turned into control.
*************
These are some of the things I was trying to convey in my "internal vs. external attraction" thread.What was originally percieved as strength,confidence or whatever was in reality a precurser to this man's abusive nature.In this way I feel that the internal attraction women feel for a guy (not generalizing here,please see my thread on internal/external attraction) is not any better than the guy's gravitation toward looks and hardbody 10's.
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| Jan 20, 2006 @ 11:34 AM |
Abusive relationships
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altogirl67
Posts: 1,309
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When I was young 'n stupid, I dated an alcoholic. He kept me bruised up by pushing me into corners and other things while never actually "hitting" me. He was pretty cruel with the emotional abuse too and did some things I'll not say on here. While we were dating, he went into treatment. I was very supportive but he continued the abuse even after he stopped drinking.
After him, I dated an alcoholic who had already gone through treatment and had been sober for several years. He moved a couple of hours away to complete his education and we continued our relationship even though it was long-distance. He began to behave differently and I found out he was cheating on me and had started drinking again. He was a COMPLETELY different person. He didn't abuse me even though he tried with the emotional stuff. I just wouldn't let him. Despite that, I still tried to help him but realized only he could do that. When we broke up, he was the one crying... not me.
All to say, that I noticed a pattern in my dating choices. I think I thought if I loved these guys enough that they would change and be happy people and I would get what I wanted as well... whatever that was. The pattern is broken. I'll never do that again. 
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| Jan 20, 2006 @ 2:26 PM |
Abusive relationships |
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chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
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It's not just ladies that can be in an abusive relationship. My ex-wife was abusive to me. Although she was not physically abusive, that was only because I was far stronger than her, and she tried that and failed. She was mentally abusive purely because of the constant shouting, screaming and insulting etc. Why did I stay? Because of my daughter. Why did I leave? Because of my daughter. Would I ever go back? Hell no!!
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| Jan 20, 2006 @ 7:07 PM |
Abusive relationships
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lecriveuse
Posts: 1,865
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I thought if I loved these guys enough that they would change and be happy people and I would get what I wanted as well... whatever that was. The pattern is broken. I'll never do that again
good for u! i'm so glad u didn't keep skipping over it like a broken record. i'm glad u had the insight to catch it.
i caught myself doing the same for a different reason.if i treated the guy better than his ex, he'd re-focus that attention on me.   yeah, i got off that crack two "relationships" later. they liked pining away for women who didn't want them. i realized i didn't need to waste my energy on them; i needed to treat myself better, and that's what i did.
it's nice to set a goal and nod at the accomplishment. 
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| Jan 20, 2006 @ 7:17 PM |
Abusive relationships |
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spongebob777
Posts: 7,904
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My mother was in a relationship with an abusive man for several years when I was growing up. The strange thing is the fact that she wasn't and isn't a "meek" woman by any means.
Her problem is that she thinks she can diagnose and treat any problem but refuses to accept the resulting failures. Now she's got a man who isn't physically abusive but is abusive in other ways. I fear for her retirement years because she'll be penniless.
Ive tried to deal with it myself for far too long and Ive washed my hands of the situation.
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| Jan 21, 2006 @ 5:27 AM |
Abusive relationships
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painter007
Posts: 17,854
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I was married 14 yrs rhe physical abuse started the last year.
And even though It was 3 rounds of his rage, it was something so unexpected I was caught off guard. After the 3 rd time I took my sons who were 3 and 5 and never went back. I gave up a house I built and almost everything in it. But I saved my life and the mental damage it might have done to my boys. I stayed single 12 years with no intentions of letting ant man touch me again. Sometimes men hit and women take it and self esteem is not involved.
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| Jan 21, 2006 @ 6:38 AM |
Abusive relationships |
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spongebob777
Posts: 7,904
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Sometimes men hit and women take it and self esteem is not involved.
In my mothers case it appears to be more a matter of arrogance.
My ex wife showed a seriously abusive side too when I took her "medicine" from her private stash and flushed it.
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| Jan 21, 2006 @ 9:14 AM |
Abusive relationships
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beatriceistheone
Posts: 152
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I had a really verbally/emotionally abusive 1st relationship in my life. I have no self-esteem issues never have. I was too naive and couldn't believe a man could treat a woman that badly. However, ended that nightmare and never repeated it again.
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| Jan 21, 2006 @ 9:23 AM |
Abusive relationships |
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waiting41
Posts: 1,926
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The first relationship we have in life is with a parent or parents.
When one or both of those relationships is abusive lives can be shattered.
It can set up lifetime patterns of self-destructive behaviors.
Fortunately these things can be overcome.
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| Jan 21, 2006 @ 10:10 AM |
Abusive relationships
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Snappygoddess
Posts: 5,097
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The first relationship we have in life is with a parent or parents.
When one or both of those relationships is abusive lives can be shattered.
It can set up lifetime patterns of self-destructive behaviors.
Fortunately these things can be overcome.
Well said, Waiting..... and I fully agree... they can be overcome with a lot of patience, counseling, and love.
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