| May 8, 2006 @ 2:28 AM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way...
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marysilk
Posts: 41
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I am in a tough situation. My 20 yr. old son moved back 8 months ago after not making it on his own in the "real world ". I told him it was okay, but when he got a full time job I expected him to help out. He drifted for months until I told him the meter was going to start running in March, job or no job. Please understand I'm asking for a token amount, a great deal in anyone elses eyes, and to be honest, I need the help. He doesn't have any other expenses, no vehicle, no cell phone, nothing.
He finally got a job in April and now that the check is coming in every week he loves the fact that he has all that cash. I think he got sticker shock when I told him the amount that had accumulated since April.
Now he is refusing to stick to his end of the deal. He teamed up with his brother to confront me Friday night and lecture me as to how "decent parents " don't ask their kids for money. My older son lives with his Dad, who asks for nothing but also makes a very decent living. I told the younger one he had the option of going to his Dads also or pay his way here. They know my situation.
Now things are just intolerable here. No one is speaking. I have been in tears over some of the things that were said. I had had such a great relationship with these 2 boys, now neither one are speaking to me. I just feel like things will never be the same. Part of me says the money is just not worth it, the other part makes me says this is a responsibility he agreed to and I shouldn't let him ride. I'm just devastated.
Would you forget the money to bring peace back to the household or hold him to his responsibilities ?
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| May 8, 2006 @ 2:34 AM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way... |
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chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
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He is an adult now and has to learn the meaning of "respsonsibility"!!! You should make him stick to his end of the bargain, it is NOT your duty or responsibility to support him into his adult years. You were there for him when he needed you and took him back home, and now he must face up to the reality of life and start paying his way. Do not let your sons blackmail with their claims of what "good parenting" is about, else they will walk all over you. IMO. Good luck, it must be a very difficult situation.
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| May 8, 2006 @ 5:24 AM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way...
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peaches_n_cream2002
Posts: 302
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Kick him out.
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| May 8, 2006 @ 6:29 AM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way... |
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TiNkErGrRrRrR
Posts: 13,791
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Would you forget the money to bring peace back to the household or hold him to his responsibilities ?
Hold him to his responsibilities..he`ll come around eventually..mine did..my youngest is still working on paying me back..it`ll take him a while but as long as he tries its ok with me.... 
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| May 8, 2006 @ 6:48 AM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way...
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wandaful123
Posts: 1,511
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((( Mary))) Tough situation to be in. I agree with sticking to your guns about responsability, but keep that door open for communication. Keep talking, eventually they will talk back. Stay focused on the issue at hand and why it is important to you. Explain to him you are talking about you and him not his brothers situation. If anything inappropriate was said in anger, apologise and lead by example. Wish you all the best. Kids can be tough!
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| May 8, 2006 @ 11:05 AM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way... |
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SylvanDreams
Posts: 2,133
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Mary, I am so sorry to hear it turned out that way for you.
As my kids graduated high school, I told each of them that they would have to pay rent (token amount, mainly for responsibility) unless they were going to school (college) full-time. I was not about to let them loll around the house, sleeping late and playing video games all day while I worked to pay the bills. While they were working toward a goal (college degree) however, they could stay rent-free, regardless of what they earned, and hopefully save their money toward a house, or car, or whatever. (I also did not pay for their cars or their auto insurance; they were responsible for those themselves.)
So far, it has worked out for us--the kids have learned responsibility, and I don't resent them, because they are not taking advantage of my love for them.
I would say to not "let him ride," he needs to be responsible. As you told him, he needs to stick to his agreement, or live elsewhere. If you give in now, then every time he wants something, he will do this same thing until you get it for him, or do it for him, or whatever. Stick to your guns so he knows that Mom is not a pushover.
Good luck with it, Mary. I hope it works out.
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| May 8, 2006 @ 12:55 PM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way...
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marysilk
Posts: 41
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Thanks all for being the kind, thoughtful people you are. There are issues to work out and I will get over feeling sorry for myself  and get it done !
No free rides ! 
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| May 8, 2006 @ 2:22 PM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way... |
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SylvanDreams
Posts: 2,133
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You go, girl! Stay strong....for both you and your boys!
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| May 8, 2006 @ 9:43 PM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way...
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definitelydi
Posts: 12,602
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This feels like such a cliche coming out of my fingertips, but someday he'll thank you for sticking to your guns! It's important for him to know that you cannot be taken advantage of and there's no better way to show him than by making him stick to his agreement.
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| May 8, 2006 @ 9:58 PM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way... |
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luvshorses644
Posts: 1,566
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Mary, I am in consensus with all the other knowledgeable people here. You son is an adult and should be responsible for a part of the bills that you incur. Do not give in, this will not teach him the responsibility he needs to deal with things on his own later.
I allowed my children to be with me when they needed to but they did give me a token amount of the bills so that they would comprehend that life holds no free rides.. this is part of being an adult. I never paid for their cars or insurance either, they got their schooling and I felt this was enough.
Good luck in staying with your agreement.. I wish you the best. You are being a "good" parent by enforcing this.. when your son has children of his own he will remember this and understand.
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| May 9, 2006 @ 2:04 PM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way...
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grumblebear
Posts: 10,491
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I'm always amazed at this topic... Dr Phil had kids on last week, in their 20's... Mom and Dad still paying for Cars, Insurance, lifestyle... and not one worked... some seemed proud of being a mooch....
There is no Free Lunch!!!!
yes there are times where help is needed, and we've all been there, but, I know it's important to all to pay our own way, A certain pride from saying I did it, that kids need to learn....
I'm not a parent, but it should be a simple point to learn....
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| May 9, 2006 @ 3:07 PM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way... |
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flgirl9664
Posts: 4
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I would make him pay...my oldest moved out the day he turned 18 he thought it would be so great living on his own with his buddies...that lasted for about 1 year, he called one day and asked if he could move back home I told him he sure could be he would be paying rent...for the past year he has paid me 100.00 a week with out ever saying a word...he just turned 20 and as long as he pays his way I have no problem with him living under my roof...but they have to learn one way or another that there are responsibilites with being an adult..best of luck to you and your sons will come around sooner or later.
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| May 10, 2006 @ 12:57 AM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way...
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ReesaAnne
Posts: 5
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When I reached adulthood I was required to pay into the house because "that is the way it is" And.. well, like most red blooded american kids I rebeled... for about 2 weeks then my mom handed me a list of homeless shelters.. at which point I shut up, paid up and did my part around the house. I never thought se was serious and figured "aww, i can talk her out of it".. boy was I wrong!! An important lesson and one I am greatful she taught me...
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| May 10, 2006 @ 4:21 AM |
WWYD ? Adult children paying their way... |
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marysilk
Posts: 41
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A little update.
One arguement my son had was that since I borrowed money from my parents to get caught up, he owes them, not me. I told my Mom the whole story.
My Mom called him last night and said," Since you feel you owe me, I expect $175 a week. And because you stayed in our house all summer while we were gone last year, I am charging you $1,200 a month rent for those 3 months. "
I suppose he kicking himself in the a$$ about now. 
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