|
page:
<<
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
>>
of 1 pages
|
< previous page | next page >
|
| Jul 10, 2006 @ 10:03 PM |
Funny Favorite one liners!
|
|
DwainP50
Posts: 5,009
|
Just a few to get things statred!
If I ever go blind, I'm going to set up my entire house with strobe lights. That will really freak out my neighbors.
It's probably a good idea that no one has marketed a special coffee just for ferrets, cuz man, those things are jumpy enough already.
When technology advances enough to shrink cellular phones to the size of an actual cell, it would probably be a good idea to clone a bunch of them, because man, those things are going to be really easy to lose.
A bird in hand is better than 2 in the bush. Unless of course it's a
pterodactyl, in which case it has probably eaten your hand already and is starting to peck at your skull.
|
|
  |
|
| Jul 10, 2006 @ 10:53 PM |
Funny Favorite one liners! |
|
UpbeatGalinSC
Posts: 1,163
|
A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.
Tact is making people feel at home...even when you wish they were.
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
    
|
| |
|
| Jul 11, 2006 @ 9:11 AM |
Funny Favorite one liners!
|
|
DwainP50
Posts: 5,009
|
Bob Hope:
"The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark ..."
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
"I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 11, 2006 @ 11:13 AM |
Funny Favorite one liners! |
|
UpbeatGalinSC
Posts: 1,163
|
Bob Hope-isms
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an
eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
|
| |
|
| Jul 12, 2006 @ 10:39 AM |
Funny Favorite one liners!
|
|
DwainP50
Posts: 5,009
|
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
Take my advice... I don't use it anyway
Men are like Government Bonds, they take a long time to mature
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 12, 2006 @ 10:49 AM |
Funny Favorite one liners! |
|
RachelVaz
Posts: 1,084
|
My Favorite & Personal Motto:
"He who laughs at himself will never cease to be amused!"
|
| |
|
| Jul 18, 2006 @ 5:31 PM |
Funny Favorite one liners!
|
|
SylvanDreams
Posts: 2,133
|
Steven Wright has long been one of my favorite comedians. Here are some of his one-liners:
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
|
|
| |
|
| Jul 18, 2006 @ 5:32 PM |
Funny Favorite one liners! |
|
SylvanDreams
Posts: 2,133
|
More Steven Wright:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
You can't have everything--where would you put it?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
|
| |
|
| Jul 20, 2006 @ 2:05 AM |
Funny Favorite one liners!
|
|
grumblebear
Posts: 10,470
|
Groucho Marx Quotes
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home
Go, and never darken my towels again.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
|
|
| |
|
| Oct 2, 2007 @ 5:51 AM |
Funny Favorite one liners! |
|
carpediem48
Posts: 3,138
|
People who post too much at a time quickly run out of thread. 
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
page:
<<
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
>>
of 1 pages
|
< previous page | next page >
|
|