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| Aug 18 @ 9:24 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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sillyme860
Posts: 46
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Okay, everyone is going to hate me for this, but it must be said. I have genital herpes, I was diagnosed after I broke up with my last boyfriend who cheated on me constantly, and after finally being faced with the truth of it, I cut him loose.
Here's the problem: I've educated myself on it, I know that 1 out of 4 women have it and 1 out 5 men do, too. I know that with suppressive medication and condoms coupled with abstaining during outbreaks can reduce the chances of spreading it to 0.8%. I've accepted that I'll have it forever, and at this point it's no biggie--to ME. It doesn't affect any part of my life, until it's time to try and start a relationship.
I have been belittled, verbally abused, abandoned in dangerous places late at night, all for being honest with a person I'm interested in. (And I always tell before we're even close to being physical.) I can understand a person choosing not to be with me, that's the reason I'm telling them. So that they can have a choice. But people are so rude and behave as though you're not the same person. They treat you as if you don't have feelings or your feelings don't matter now because you have herpes. No one treats people who have oral herpes this way, even though you can get that on your genitals through oral sex.
The thing that kills me is when I see things in forums like, "Well if they want to date someone so bad, they should find another one of their own"! Excuse me, but have you actually looked at those sites. The vast majority of people with herpes either don't know or won't admit that they have it. The selections on those sites, even the large ones is limited. I have seen one person one those sites who I was physically attracted to, and he didn't want to date someone with kids.
Anyway, I have decide that in the interest of protecting my own heart and feeling, and safety for that matter, I'm not telling anyone anymore. (Obviously, I'm not planning to date anyone on this site.) And you all can say that I'm jeopardizing other people and blah blah blah, but like I said, the chance of spreading it is 0.8%. I'm not going to keep being hurt over and over again by people who otherwise would love to be with me, all because of something stupid like this. My heart won't be able to take it.
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| Aug 18 @ 9:53 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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willowy1
Posts: 4,937
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Life is not fair! But you contacted an STD and it is your moral duty to at least give the person you are interested that info so they can make that decision for themselves.
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| Aug 18 @ 10:00 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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sillyme860
Posts: 46
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Well they're decision is usually to run, and they usually let me know in the rudest way possible, i.e. saying things like f*** u infected bytch, leaving me in the middle of no where, cussing me out, making fun of me, etc. Keep in mind that I don't let anything physical happen before I tell them. I tell them in a straightforward way, I'm not all emotional about it. I present the facts and statistics, and they act like I'm personally attacking them or insulting them by even having the audacity to not walk around with a sign that says herpes! How dare I want to live a normal life? Moral duty my ass! I have a moral duty to not get my heart broken over and over again, and to not become depressed and suicidal.
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| Aug 18 @ 10:03 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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willowy1
Posts: 4,937
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You are dangerous.What if it was HIV would you still not tell them?
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| Aug 18 @ 10:06 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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Loreli
Posts: 20,311
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A GOOD man wouldn't react that way.
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| Aug 18 @ 10:10 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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sillyme860
Posts: 46
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HIV is a different story, because it can kill you. But genital herpes is cold sores on your genitals. And since I take suppressive meds, I don't even get outbreaks. Now if I had something deadly, It would be different, but do you react this way when you find out someone gets cold sores? NO. How am I dangerous? Because there is a STIGMA against having it genitally. Why don't you ask yourself if you could take men rejecting you, verbally and mentally abusing you over and over again over something so tedious? Honestly, would you do?
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| Aug 18 @ 10:21 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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willowy1
Posts: 4,937
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I would be honest. 
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| Aug 18 @ 10:29 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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sillyme860
Posts: 46
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It's easy to say that now. But imagine, being out with someone you really like, and you feel like it's time to have the talk and afterwards, he's hostile, rude, belitles you, etc. Imagine being left at the store late at night. Imagine this happening over and over again. You're holding on to that "moral duty" crap and you're not honestly trying tp put yourself in my shoes. Imagine being rejected over and over again, simply because of cold sores. That is what they are. No one rejects anyone for getting them on their lips, but when it's below the belt it's something horrible that causes people to treat you like crap.
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| Aug 18 @ 10:48 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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willowy1
Posts: 4,937
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Sillyme would you have wanted to know the person who infected you had herpes before you had sex with him? Do you really want to be responsible for another person contracting an infection that stays with them for their lifetime ? I am sure in your heart that you don't.
I am sorry that you have been hurt by the men that you were honest with. There are men out there who will accept you and take the risk. I hope you find a partner that is supportive of you. 
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| Aug 18 @ 10:53 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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lazareth
Posts: 1,083
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And since I take suppressive meds, I don't even get outbreaks .,
you can still spread herpes when you THINK you are outbreak free.
It's all over the TV. Don't assume that just because you don't feel like you have an outbreak that you're not.
Yeah, people can be jerks sometimes. But are you going to get any satisfaction from spreading it to someone else?
Are you going to start out a relationship by lying? How long do you think that relationship is going to last once your partner finds out that one, you have herpes and two, you basically lied by omission?
I would never have any faith in anyuone who pulled something like that on me
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| Aug 18 @ 11:07 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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Loreli
Posts: 20,311
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Exactly, Laz.
OP-
Often, people do not UNDERSTAND a disease, and react out of fear.
No-it isn't fair to treat you horribly after being honest....maybe you should rethink the kind of men you date.
Find a Herpes support group.
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| Aug 18 @ 11:17 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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blueyes101
Posts: 8,307
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I have been on the receiving end of the " news" . And yes, it killed the mood, in the end, the one thing I learned was, even though I liked her, I did not have that strong of feelings for her. And certainly not enough for that.There was no love.
This was many years ago. I guess you call that an " in between " ( between two real relationships ). If she did not have it, I may have stayed a awhile, but the relationship would have never gone anywhere. So, in the end, it made me look deep inside and really decide what I wanted.
It shaped who I am today. I did not freak out, I did not call her names, but I did leave, and I don't think I ever talked with her again. ( She was a former co-worker )
But, in the end, it made me take a close look at myself, and decide who I wish to share myself with, and the only way to prevent the empty feeling inside afterwards, was to save sex for someone I am in love with.
This also put pregnancy in a proper perspective. Do I want to take the chance of fathering this womans baby?
These questions have served me well for a very long time. Birth control can/will fail.
I have no children of my own, and that makes me sad. But, to know I never put a child through a life of knowing they were conceived by pure lust, and no love, also lets me know I did the right thing, for the right reasons....
I hope years from now, you can say the same. good luck to you.
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| Aug 18 @ 11:20 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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custis
Posts: 1,341
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"A GOOD man wouldn't react that way."
You must have dated some real losers.
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| Aug 18 @ 11:49 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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sillyme860
Posts: 46
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It's all over the TV that you can continue to spread it without outbreaks when you're NOT on suppressive meds. The suppressive meds along with condoms reduce the chance of spreading it to 0.8%, a much better chance than if you are with someone who doesn't know. The person t it from was not on suppressive meds, and he took the condom off halfway through sex on a regular basis without telling me. THAT is how I got it. So you all are telling me that I should just keep going through this over and over, being rejected by men who otherwise would have no problem with me, continue to get more and more depressed until...what? Until I eventually kill myself because I know that all I am is a disease to people once they find out? Google "Would you date someone with herpes?" Look at the answers everyone leaves. Tell me why I should keep putting myself through this?
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| Aug 18 @ 11:59 PM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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lazareth
Posts: 1,083
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wrong wrong wrong...... The Valtrex commercial CLEARLY states that you can spread herpes while taking the meds.
It does not stop outbreaks.
Look... you have herpes. its a done deal. Like Lor said, find a support group.
Take what I said to heart.... You WILL NOT keep a relationship alive by lying. It will come out eventually. And furthermore.... did you know you can be sued in some states for knowingly passing a disease on?
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| Aug 19 @ 12:09 AM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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Always_Striving
Posts: 7,596
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sillyme860 said:
Okay, everyone is going to hate me for this, but it must be said. I have genital herpes........................... Anyway, I have decide that in the interest of protecting my own heart and feeling, and safety for that matter, I'm not telling anyone anymore.
 are you for real?
Maybe you might allow yourself to get the crabs too as a visual forewarning indicator to potential sex parteners? Give them a choice!
[Edited on 8/19/2008 12:17 AM]
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| Aug 19 @ 12:14 AM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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daisy315
Posts: 4,337
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seems to me that you need to date a better calibre of men.. if they actually cared about your feelings, they would not behave as they do.. from the way your posts sound, you plan on becoming sexually active with every guy you date.. why not wait til you find out how they really feel about you before tossing that info out?.. How long do you wait before you tell these losers?.. Do you tell them on the first date?.. if you are, then you are not giving them the chance of really getting to know you ..
please take the advice of the posters here.. join a support group.. talk to your doctor about finding one.. it can make all the difference in your quality of life
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| Aug 19 @ 1:17 AM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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mangolover60
Posts: 635
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I have been on the receiving end of that conversation as well. And, all I can say is to be understanding, but say no thanks, not for me, but still go out with the woman and have a good time. I just didn't want to have sex with her. That didn't mean I wouldn't give her a backrub! But I'm not the guy you are coming in contact with. But honestly, I don't want it, and that is a deal killer to me. And, I wish the bastard that gave it to her at least gave her a choice, the choice she gave me. We are still friends, and she has married since.
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| Aug 19 @ 1:28 AM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings
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sillyme860
Posts: 46
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I've asked, I've check, there are NO support groups in my area, so that is USELESS advice to me. I've dated types of men, and each has a bad response to it. I usually tell them on the third or fourth date, which is usually after a month or so and we talk and text in between dates, and even then, I'm not really thinking about sex. I'm just looking for someone to share my life with. After I tell them, they look at me and see only just the disease, not the wonderful woman the were falling for. One guy who got mad told me that I had been leading him to believe a lie, and had made him like me under false pretenses. This has happened with four men so far. WHAT DO YOU ALL EXPECT ME TO DO??? I'm sorry to sound selfish, but I highly doubt that any of you are completely selfless.
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| Aug 19 @ 1:29 AM |
I'm tired of looking out for eveyone else at the expense of my own feeings |
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sillyme860
Posts: 46
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The Valtrex commercial CLEARLY states that you can spread herpes while taking the meds. Hence the reason the chance of spreading it is reduced to 0.85, and not 0%
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