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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 9:13 AM |
Parental Advice Please
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suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
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My daughter wants to talk to me. She thinks her boyfriend needs to talk to me too. I think it's going to be difficult for me to talk with her, let alone her boyfriend. They're 19 & 26, respectively. The problem is her low libido and that he feels unloved because of it. My daughter and I talked for a few minutes before she went to work last night.
When she was on birth control pills, she got really depressed and had no libido. I encouraged her to stop taking them and use other forms of birth control. She's not on birth control pills. I asked her if she was still taking her anti-depressant; she is. She's trying to primp so she feels sexy. I suggested she needs to exercise, eat properly, and possibly take vitamins to feel healthy. I believe libido is entirely dependent on hormones and a healthy lifestyle will ensure balanced hormones. We've talked about toys in passing previously. I know they shop at Fairvilla, the local sex supermarket.
I think I'm good with advice to my daughter but what do I suggest to her boyfriend? We barely talk because he's shy. The conversation will probably be filtered through my daughter. Or do I suck it up and insist that they both sit down and talk? He might do it; he's very respectful.
They almost broke up because he feels unloved so he behaves differently then she feels unloved. You see there are some insecurity issues on both sides. Help!!! Or is this just something that a mother should stay out of? I certainly would stay out except she asked me to talk with them. He didn't ask though -- but does he want to and is just shy?
Bandaids on boo boos are soooo much easier....
[Edited on 6
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 9:20 AM |
Parental Advice Please |
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definitelydi
Posts: 12,602
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It's great that your daughter WANTS to discuss this issue with you...even thinks so highly of your wisdom to think her b/f should talk to you too! Open communication is always great! As much as you want them both to be happy and satisfied within their relationship, I think it's really something they need to work out on their own!
The suggestions you've given your daughter about healthy lifestyle are completely sound! Has/does your daughter see a counsellor? If she's taking anti-depressants, some of them do cause lowered libido. She may want to talk with her doctor to see if her meds can be adjusted or altered.
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 10:34 AM |
Parental Advice Please
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suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
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Someone just emailed me a suggestion. Wellbutrin is an anti-depressant that doesn't lower libido; it might even be an aphrodisiac. Amazing!! Thank you!!! I'm posting a link to a very informative article. Maybe it will be helpful for others as well.
http://archive.salon.com/sex/feature/2000/09/26/wellbutrin/index2.html
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 11:21 AM |
Parental Advice Please |
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sherrymarie
Posts: 12
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Talk to the idiot who is bullying your daughter. Sometimes our body tells us what Our heads can't figure out. I mean the dirt bad almost broke up because he feels unloved so he behaves differently then she feels unloved. Tell your daughter real love is not a sex partner and she needs to rethink the relationship. He may be the real reason for the depression. 
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 11:33 AM |
Parental Advice Please
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Loreli
Posts: 25,398
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IMO it wasn't that he is bullying her, just frustrated. A relationship shouldn't be based on sex, I agree-but the other things have to be important to them for them to want to work it out in spite of it.
I know a gal that takes wellbutrin-she likes how it has helped her.
Good luck-the only thing you can say to him is love her, support her, and maybe go to counseling with a professional.
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 12:10 PM |
Parental Advice Please |
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suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
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Loreli's right. He's not bullying her but he is frustrated. Anyone with the higher libido can understand his frustration. They both want to work to solve this problem of theirs. She had problems with depression before this boyfriend. They're very good to each other. My daughter knows that sex is not love but that it is a very important part of a loving relationship. Switching to Wellbutrin and counselling with someone other than Mom seem to be great ideas. Thank you Loreli, Di, and my anonymous emailer.  Sherry, Thank you, too. Your advice would be appropriate if he were bullying her but he's not.
Input is still welcome. This is great and I'd like to hear from some guys as well.
[Edited on 6
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 12:18 PM |
Parental Advice Please
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torees121
Posts: 739
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If she is depressed and he has low self-esteem I would recommend counseling for both of them. Something can't be "fixed" by parents.
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 2:05 PM |
Parental Advice Please |
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Classy_Blonde
Posts: 6,034
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Suzie,
I think it says a lot about you, as a mom, for the two of them to be able to come to you with something so personal. Take pride in that.
Sherry,
I see nothing in suzie's post that indicates this young man is a bully. He is probably wondering what he is doing wrong, or isn't doing, and he is extremely frustrated, and insecure, because of it. If he was bullying her daughter, I doubt he would want to talk openly to her mother.
Back to Suzie,
When you said your daughter was on anti-depressants, I zoomed right in. Some are awful. I wouldn't recommend Zoloft to ANYONE. Awful stuff! Celexa doesn't seem to be all that bad, but about libido...hmmmmmmm--not sure. What I would suggest, to start, do some research on the anti-depressant she is taking, and see what the side effects are. You might find some forum posts online too, and people may have discussed their own personal experiences with that anti-depressant. I have done such research and found some helpful info. Have the info printed out and ready to share with your daughter.
Other than that...best to you.
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 2:21 PM |
Parental Advice Please
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suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
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Thanks Torres and Classy. Seems lowered libido is a symptom for all (or most) anti-depressents. I spent some time this morning researching. The Wellbutrin sounds great. It's as safe as any of the others and as effective. It enhances the libido and may well be an aphrodisiac. It's marketed under the Zyban label as a stop smoking aid. Seems Glaxo doesn't want to spend the money to research it's aphrodisiac qualities because it's patent has almost expired so they wouldn't be able to recoup their expenses. So FDA can't approve it for that use so it can't be marketed for that use.
I've printed out the most coherent and understandable information that I could find and highlighted the main points for my daughter -- the link that I posted earlier. She'll call her Dr and tell her that she'd like to try Wellbutrin. She lives with me so I'm able to monitor her depression. She's able to monitor herself and say when she needs something different.
[Edited on 6
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 3:15 PM |
Parental Advice Please |
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Classy_Blonde
Posts: 6,034
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That sounds perfect, suzie. If, after a period of time, things haven't changed, she will know she needs to look into other possibilities. I'll be surprised if she doesn't see a difference. Does she really HAVE to be on anti-depressants? She might even discuss other alternatives with her doctor. She's awfully young. I'm certainly not a qualified physician, and I don't claim to be. Just a few suggestions. Oh--I always write down a list of questions I want to ask my doctor. If I don't, I tend to forget until I'm out of the office and halfway home. 
I'd better stop here.
Good luck!
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 3:24 PM |
Parental Advice Please
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suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
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She really does need the anti-depressents, at least for now. I tried to get her moving by signing her up to walk a marathon with me a couple of years ago. I couldn't get her to train or if she did, she couldn't make it around the block. She had zero motivation. The anti-depressents have worked miracles for her. She's tapered off a couple of times to see if she could stop taking them but started sinking into depression. I wish I could force her to exercise and to eat better. I know those two things would help immensely.
I've learned to write things down for the Dr too. Now if I can just remember to bring my notes....
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 3:37 PM |
Parental Advice Please |
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Classy_Blonde
Posts: 6,034
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You've been covering your bases. Good for you. Sounds as though you are going about it in the right way.
As for the notes, maybe put sticky notes on your steering wheel. I don't have the solution for that one, and if you decide to pin a note on your chest, watch out for the pin.  
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 3:58 PM |
Parental Advice Please
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kattsmeow
Posts: 22,625
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Lol, the aniti depressents were my first thought!
I know for men they lower the sex drive.
Proud of you for being able to talk to your daughter!!!!
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 5:17 PM |
Parental Advice Please |
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suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
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Proud of you for being able to talk to your daughter!!!!
It's self-preservation. I may need my kids to take care of me when I'm old so I'd better be taking good care of them! 
Thanks katt.
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 8:00 PM |
Parental Advice Please
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chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
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Everyone's given some excellent advice here, but no-one has mentioned that it is possible that she simply has a low libido, whether or not she is on anti-depressants etc. Has her libido lessened, or has it always been this low? If it has always been low, then perhaps looking at dietary options may be a solution: some people find chocolate, oysters etc to be libido-enhancing.
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| Jun 18, 2006 @ 9:32 PM |
Parental Advice Please |
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suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
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That's a good suggestion, China. I'm treading carefully because it seems I'm in her business like a Mom ought not to be. But I can ask that question without needing to discuss details. I don't think she cares much for chocolate or oysters but ginseng or something else might help too. At this point, she needs the anti-depressants anyway. Hopefully, they'll help. Any thoughts on her boyfriend's perspective or advice for him? Thanks China.
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| Jun 19, 2006 @ 4:32 AM |
Parental Advice Please
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lilbikerchick
Posts: 213
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I'm just curious what the definition of low is. Not everyone wants sex every day, 5 times a day. Are his expectations too high and turning her off of sex altogether?
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| Jun 19, 2006 @ 8:00 AM |
Parental Advice Please |
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chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
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Any thoughts on her boyfriend's perspective or advice for him? Ah yes, I have plenty to say about this, but I wasn't going to go there! lol. Either he should accept her for who she is, low-libido, high-libido, whatever, or he should clear off. When we become involved with someone, and especially if we fall in love with them, we HAVE to accept them for what they are, we certainly cannot expect to change something as intrinsical in them as their libido.
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| Jun 19, 2006 @ 9:52 AM |
Parental Advice Please
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Goodness_Gracie
Posts: 710
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Suzie have you read the book *I'm Not In The Mood* is excellent on libido. They have it in Barnes and Noble.
Also consult your Doctor about having a Salvia Hormone Testing done.
It also could be something simple as stress, or medication she is taking or the extreme such as diabetes or high blood pressure.
But it is wonderful your daughter and her boyfriend want to talk. It is healthy to sit and discuss the problem with them. As other's have said they feel comfortable coming to you they are looking for some guidance. I think she needs to seek a Doctor's advice. Could be her anti - depressant meds etc. Also after having a medical check up perhaps seek counceling will help as well.
As for her boyfriend it does say alot. He could of just dumped her but it shows he cares to find out how to help THEM as a couple. He needs to talk. He needs guidance where to turn to. He must really love her to help her cause apparently he thinks more of her then just sex. He loves her cause he cares.
Your doing a great job suzie!
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| Jun 19, 2006 @ 7:01 PM |
Parental Advice Please |
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suzieq0808
Posts: 1,080
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She has been under a Dr's care. She's defining her low libido as lower than it was. Things changed when she started on the anti-depressants. She's talked to her Dr about it before but the Dr says there's nothing to be done about it. Apparently, there is. Apparently, there's Wellbutrin. She wasn't able to talk to the Dr. today.
Gracie, Thanks for the info and the support. I'll check out that book.
China, Good advice for men and women. Thanks!
Thank you, too, Katt. Did I miss anybody else?
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page:
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< previous page | next page >
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