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| Jul 1, 2006 @ 9:12 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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DoorWatcher
Posts: 6,259
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All right. I'm putting this out there despite the tumultuous feedback I'll be getting. Has anyone been afraid of having sex with a new man/woman? I personally was so scared that I bombed the first time, and had to drink beer the next time just for the courage...which is not courage at all. I lost him....and still care for him deeply...but I understand why he flew away. Does anyone understand how it feels to deal with yourself for so long that you lose the ability to commune sexually with a man? Please don't be too harsh, ok?
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| Jul 1, 2006 @ 9:15 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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spongebob777
Posts: 7,904
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Has anyone been afraid of having sex with a new man/woman?
Pressure to perform but not really fear.
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| Jul 1, 2006 @ 9:20 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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Heaveninawildflower
Posts: 18,615
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Why would anyone be harsh? We each have our fears, this is just a more personal one than some others. I think the problem might be that there were two fears...the fear of the physical intimacy, but even more the fear of the emotional intimacy that might have allowed you to overcome the fear in a more effective way...did you talk about how you felt with him? Personally, I find that a lot more terrifying than the physical...baring your soul is so much tougher than baring your body.
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| Jul 1, 2006 @ 9:22 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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tyrannyforyou
Posts: 3,066
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fear? not a good cologne to wear before nookie. i prefer "Anticipation"
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| Jul 1, 2006 @ 9:39 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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mailorderannie
Posts: 6,021
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I understand it...its being open and vulnerable to someone new. Trying to decide how geniune they are...are they being truthful...will they break your heart. And like Heaven said, that's a whole lot scarier than being physically naked with someone.
Sounds like your expectations before are what got you so scared, so that's the time to try to relax and calm your mind so that you can just let the time together be what it will, and let it flow naturally.
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 12:01 AM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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painter007
Posts: 17,854
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All you need to do is close your eyes and feel him next to you..Let the whole energy around you and a new partner take hold of you...Try to feel their heat...listen for their breath...feel their touch on you....take their scent in....If thinking was not done and feeling the person next to you was done the nervousness would be gone....
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 12:16 AM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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SunBabe
Posts: 12,279
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Ummmm...maybe this was a good (but sad) lesson in not moving too fast. You're not under any obligation to jump into bed until you're BOTH utterly comfortable. Both people are allowed to "just say no" (or "no, not yet")
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 1:21 AM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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WickedWench
Posts: 1,613
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....If thinking was not done and feeling the person next to you was done the nervousness would be gone
The biggest sex organ we have is our mind. Turning it off is like making sex a chore instead of an entire body/mind adventure.
You're not under any obligation to jump into bed until you're BOTH utterly comfortable. Both people are allowed to "just say no"
This? Is wise advice. 
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 12:21 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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observed50
Posts: 407
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Hey Door> Anything we do of high value to us that we haven't done in a long time, where our 'performance' is on the line, *regardless of what romantics will chirp in and say about "it shouldn't be on the line..its not performance..its sharing...and being...and blah blah blah...* its easy to be tooooo conscious of where you are, and what you are doing, because you're so busy standing beside the surface of your interaction...watching to see how you're doing.
It is all grounded in a fear of not being good enough to keep someone's attention.
If you can find the courage to talk about it a bit with your partner before hand... it can help you disarm the space...because the partner knows you want to split in two and stand and watch and judge yourself and your performance...so they can be a part of calling you back into your body...to experience,...to feel...to let go.
If its been a long time...the desire to be good, to be desirable, to be effective at being a good lover, can overwhelm you with the fear that you won't be. Talking with the other can help. Listening within yourself for the fears, the twisted sense of self they reside in, and listening through them until exhausted...can help the mind free itself of the debris of that fear...but the easiest and quickest way is to engage the partner....
Or marry that foreigner I was telling you to do!
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 12:37 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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RareQuestor
Posts: 2,652
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I am just thankful that this is strictly a female problem. We men are too horny to worry about a thing like that. There are some advantages to not having enough blood to operate both the brain and the penis! 
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 5:29 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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mogrl1000
Posts: 258
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After i got divorced i decided not to date because of my then very young children.So 6 years later it finally happened again.Excited yes but never fear.
Don`t have sex with anyone unless you feel 100 % comfortable and then it`ll happen naturally.
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 5:56 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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WickedWench
Posts: 1,613
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 Men do have "performance" issues from time to time though Rare
And I'm not really sure who it's more embarassing for.....
I once heard an acronym for fear:
Face Everything And Recover
OR
F**k Everything And Run
This was from a dear friend who was in a 12 Step Program.
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 6:07 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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NatureGal745
Posts: 708
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Door I'm sorry to hear that the man flew....and I agree with most of the others before my post here in saying that communication is key and knowing the person and feeling comfortable with them will go a long way in making a successful venture back into the sexual realms. 
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 7:59 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
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DW, if he "flew" because of your fear/nervousness, then he was not the right man for you. The right man would have been more understanding, would have made you feel more comfortable, and slowed things down for you.
My main "fear" when I am with a woman for the first time in a long time is that I will spurt as soon as she touches me! Not really a "fear", but just kind of embarrassing, something that will take me about 10 seconds to get over til I get it up again.
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| Jul 2, 2006 @ 10:33 PM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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WickedWench
Posts: 1,613
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China...I'm just curious here. I've had situations where when we made love for the first time, the man masturbated before hand and it seemed to stop that cursed "THAR SHE BLOWZZ" thang
That doesn't help?
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| Jul 3, 2006 @ 2:23 AM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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chinabull2000
Posts: 7,012
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Yes it DOES help Wicked, but you don't always know when it's gonna happen with a woman for the first time..
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| Jul 3, 2006 @ 5:09 AM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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lacyvsq
Posts: 6,173
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I've heard sex compared to riding a bike, but when it's been a long time since I rode a bike, and I have memories of falling off the bike, I have a fear of getting on for the ride.
It is helpful to talk with your partner beforehand. I've never met one yet who wasn't willing to work on rebuilding my confidence -- something I've never gotten from the bike.
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| Jul 3, 2006 @ 8:46 AM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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observed50
Posts: 407
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I had sex while riding a bike once...we ran off the road into the creek....almost drowned.
Now i have fears of women, sex, bike riding, and swimming.
I need to focus more.... 
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| Jul 3, 2006 @ 9:12 AM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear???
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wvbluebaby
Posts: 605
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hmmm observed...that is truly multtasking....
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| Jul 3, 2006 @ 9:37 AM |
Ok...Ever heard of fear??? |
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luvshorses644
Posts: 1,571
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DW, I agree with Sun, BOTH partners have to be ready. And, IMO, if after that first time that you felt you "bombed because of your fear", I believe it truly was rushed on your part, and if that man could not sit down and discuss why you felt this way or the reason behind what you felt was not your "personal best", then I am in agreement with China, he truly was not the right man for you or he would have talked about it with you and agreed to take things on a much slower level and give you encouragement you needed. He would have been a smart man to understand this because in the long run, he is the one that would have benefited. Great advice from both these sexy people!!!
We all have those days where there maybe outside factors that contribute to our prowess and performance, but, I do believe that if the individual shows willingness on their part to communicate with you to build up your confidence and bring your level of comfort to where his/hers is, your fear or loss of abilitiy to commune will be allayed. I agree with Wicked, the biggest sex organ is our mind, and if you and your partner can discuss what you like and dislike, you become more comfortable with each other and in turn, this stimulates/kick starts the adventurous quality.
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