| Sep 11, 2008 @ 9:43 PM |
Religious Humor...
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horizon000
Posts: 1,264
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It has been a bit tense in here lately and I thought I would start a thread to deal with religion in a lighter way. If you have any jokes, funny quotes or anything humourous to share, post it here....
Buddha walks into a Pizza shop and says "Make me one with everything.."..
Jesus walks into a hotel, throws a couple of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night ?"..
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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| Sep 11, 2008 @ 10:07 PM |
Religious Humor... |
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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http://www.matchdoctor.com/thread_87_22468_1/Religiosity_Ridiculism.html
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 7:00 AM |
Religious Humor...
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Blondino
Posts: 4,553
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A Saudi couple, meet with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks,'We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.'
'Absolutely not,' says the Mullah.'It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately.'
'So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?'
'No,' answered the Mullah,'It's forbidden in Islam.'
'Well, okay,' says Ahmed,'What about sex? Can we finally have sex?'
'Of course!' replies the Mullah, Sex is OK within marriage, to have chi ldren!'
'What about different positions?' asks the man.
no problem,' says the Mullah.
'Woman on top?' Ahmed asks.
'Sure,' says the Mullah.'Allahu Akbar. Go for it!'
'Doggy style?'
'Sure!
'On the kitchen table?'
'Yes, yes!
'Can I do it with with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,
leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?'
'You may indeed..
'Can we do it standing up?'
'No, absolutely not!' says the Mullah.'
'Why not?' asks the man.
'Because that could lead to dancing! 
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 7:24 AM |
Religious Humor... |
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jamminjerry
Posts: 4,085
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someone other than me will of course include the charasmatic churches right? we be jammin 
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 7:46 AM |
Religious Humor...
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bevrice
Posts: 11,141
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Matthew 18:4-5 'Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.'
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him 'playing church' with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!'
Johnny looked up at her and said, 'He should have thought about that before he joined my church.'
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 11:26 AM |
Religious Humor... |
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arieann
Posts: 2,084
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There was a minister who got to thinking how his parishioners sometimes skipped church take weekend trips,so he decided to take a hunting trip one weekend. He went into the woods to his favorite hunting spot. Suddenly, a huge grizzly bear came up.The minister, in a panic, dropped his rifle. He knew he did not have time to pick it up before the bear got to him, so he prayed, saying "God, please make the bear a Christian before he eats me". Suddenly, the bear stopped, bowed his head, folded his hands and sais " Lord, thank you for this meal I am about to receive"
Here is a true story that I thought was funny. You know how fathers can be with their daughters boyfriends.My sister had a boyfriend,Tom, that my father could not stand. One day, my son who was about 3 or 4 ask my father if he loved My, my sister, and ask about the entire family. Each time my father would say yes.Them my son ask him if he loved Tom. My father said "No". My sons reply was "Granddaddy, God wants you to love everyone". Being my father knew this was true, my father was forced to say he loved Tom. Boy did I enjoy tell Tom and my sister about it.
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:00 PM |
Religious Humor...
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Thor1960303
Posts: 3,345
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An elderly couple who had been members of a particular church for many years, Mr. and Mrs. Jones, had trouble with Mr. Jones sleeping in church. Mrs. Jones and the pastor made a plan that every time Mr. Jones nodded off, the pastor would give her the high sign and she would jab him with her hatpin.
As the pastor began to preach, Mr. Jones, right on schedule began to doze. Giving the high sign, the pastor shouted, "And who is your redeemer?" Mrs. Jones dutifully jabbed her husband, who jumped up startled and shouted, "God!" the congregation shouted in unison, "Amen". A few more moments went by in the sermon and again, Mr. Jones began to nod. Giving the high sign, he shouted, "And who died for your sins?" Mrs. Jones again jabbed her husband, who jumped up and shouted, "Jesus!" Again, the congregation returned with a rousing, "Amen!"
A few more minutes went by and the preacher began to get wrapped up in his sermon, yet Mrs. Jones mistook one of his hand gestures for the high sign as he shouted, "And what did Eve say to Adam when she bore him his 99th son?"
Mr. Jones shouted, "You stick that Goddamn thing in me again and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!" To which the congregation shouted,
"AMEN!!"
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:01 PM |
Religious Humor... |
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horizon000
Posts: 1,264
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One Sunday morning, a minister decides to skip church and go play a couple of rounds of golf. God and Jesus are watching from heaven and were displeased. Jesus said to God, "Father, this minister should be punished for his lack of faith.".
"I agree son," said God, "Leave it to me".
As the Minister teed off, God waved his hand and took over. The ball wedged and headed straight for the bunker. Just before it hit the ground, an eagle swooped down and plucked the ball out of the air. Halfway down the fairway, the eagle dropped the ball and it fell to earth. The ball hit the ground, and just before it was ready to stop, a Squirrel dropped out of the trees, picked up the ball and carried it down the fairway. About ten feet from the hole, the Squirrel drops the ball and heads for the undergrowth. Just as the ball is ready to stop again, a bolt of lightning comes down from the heavens and hits next to the ball. The force of the bolt pops the ball straight into the hole for a hole in one.
Jesus looks on in disbelief and says," A hole in one!! How is that punishment?!?"
God looks at Jesus, grins and says,"Who's he going to tell?".
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:04 PM |
Religious Humor...
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beckyiv42000
Posts: 14,576
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:13 PM |
Religious Humor... |
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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A rabbi, a Catholic priest and a Protestant minister were at a religious retreat for a conference. Since it was a hot day they decide to go for a swim in the lake. None had bathing trunks so they just decided to skinny dip. While they were in the water they hear some people coming by and got a little concerned they would be caught naked in the water. They run out. The priest and the minister run into the woods covering their groin area and the rabbi was covering his face. Later the priest and minister turned to the rabbi and asked why were you covering your face? He said, well I don't know about you guys but its my face my congregation would recognize.
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:15 PM |
Religious Humor...
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horizon000
Posts: 1,264
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One day, a Rabbi and a priest decide to take a walk through the forest. It is a very hot day and they come upon a cool lake. They both decide that they should go for a swim and disrobe and jump in. After about ten minutes, a group of elderly ladies from the local bowls club show up for a picnic. The Rabbi and the priest are shocked and scurry out of the lake. Naked, they end up face to face with the old ladies. The Priest puts his hands over his privates and the Rabbi puts his hands over his face. The old ladies are shocked and flee. When the Priest and the Rabbi put thier clothes back on, the Priest questions the Rabbi.
"Why did you cover your face and not your privates?", he asks.
The Rabbi replies," I don't know about you, but my congregation can recognise me from my face!".
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:16 PM |
Religious Humor... |
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horizon000
Posts: 1,264
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F*ck off !!! LOL.
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:19 PM |
Religious Humor...
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Cynbaby
Posts: 1,376
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I don't know about you guys but its my face my congregation would recognize. Like that Rabbi they caught on Datelines "To Catch A Predator"..The Chris Hanson's special he does all the time and catches the pervs.
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:23 PM |
Religious Humor... |
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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horizon
How'd did that happen???? 
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:24 PM |
Religious Humor...
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horizon000
Posts: 1,264
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I'd say great minds think alike, but that scares me..LOL
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:25 PM |
Religious Humor... |
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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Well I was first 
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:26 PM |
Religious Humor...
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horizon000
Posts: 1,264
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I told it better....
Classic 
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:32 PM |
Religious Humor... |
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Blondino
Posts: 4,553
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Horizon I think you are cute 
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:34 PM |
Religious Humor...
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horizon000
Posts: 1,264
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You know I eat flies right?
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| Sep 12, 2008 @ 12:36 PM |
Religious Humor... |
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Blondino
Posts: 4,553
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OMG you nearly made me say something I would have
regretted but I stopped myself ,,, phew
Revenge for the Ladies of Afghanistan
A female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kabul
, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently
returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their
husbands.
From her vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further
back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old
custom. She approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked the journalist straight in the eyes,
and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
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