| Sep 15 @ 6:38 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ
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bevrice
Posts: 11,145
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The Resume of Jesus Christ
Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible.
Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus
Hello. My name is Jesus - The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.
Qualifications
I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19)
I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)
I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)
I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)
The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)
Occupational Background
I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.
My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-17)
Skills Work Experiences
Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)
Educational Background
I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).
In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).
I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).
Major Accomplishments
I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).
I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15).
I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!
There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.
References
Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healing, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance.
In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15).
http://www.2jesus.org/inspstories/resume.html
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| Sep 15 @ 7:19 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ |
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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The applicant is rejected. There are several reasons:
1) The job rec is outsourced to more qualified candidates at a far more economical cost.
2) This particular applicant has unsubstantiated information.
3) No education
4) His major accomplishment is getting himself killed. This makes him too much of a risk.
5) References are unsubstantiated.
6) Former employer is unavailable and apparently, according to corporate records, never existed. However we found evidence this candidate colluded with others in a pump and dump scam run by some very seedy criminals at an off shore location and fleeced millions into personal ruin.
In all my years a recruiter, I've never seen a resume so fabricated and criminal as this one. I wasted my time researching this candidate and may have lost the opportunity hiring someone who actually is qualified. I've reported this candidate to the proper authorities.
We were going to throw this resume in the paper shredder but instead we're going to pass it around so other recruiters can learn how to easily spot fraudulent and criminal applicants and avoid future abuses.
[Edited on 9/15/2008 7:26 AM]
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| Sep 15 @ 7:26 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ
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bevrice
Posts: 11,145
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Awww, but the position He was applying for was to fill your heart, hammer.
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| Sep 15 @ 7:30 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ |
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rough
Posts: 703
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I would never employ someone who claims to have done so much yet fails to prove or substantiate even a small part of his or her resume. 
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| Sep 15 @ 7:32 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ
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ColdinWisconsin
Posts: 8,627
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Did you know Rough that I took her up on that offer? That I even gave her my private email so that she could send me "said legal documents" to support her grandious claims?
Yeah....never got a thing. 
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| Sep 15 @ 7:43 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ |
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sail_dancer
Posts: 8,495
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Welcoma back Wisconsin!
Missed ya babe.
Peace
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| Sep 15 @ 7:46 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ
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ColdinWisconsin
Posts: 8,627
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Sail! 
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| Sep 15 @ 7:48 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ |
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bevrice
Posts: 11,145
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No need to, cold, I gave you the name of my college and my licensing agency, if you had wanted to find out anything, you could have verified it for yourself. I have nothing to prove to you, lol. You shouldn't have been so lazy, you could have found out for yourself. You really think I am going to send you those things by email so you can report me for soliciting?  That one didn't work, cold.
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| Sep 15 @ 7:51 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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Awww, but the position He was applying for was to fill your heart, hammer. Of course, thats what makes this candidate a criminal. He's unqualified and dangerous. We've seen this before. Previous fraudulent applicants all claimed to have the same grandiose qualifications and this new one is no better than the last ones. Hundreds of millions of gullible people have been defrauded. Further more, the current applicant has mysteriously disappeared without a trace. I'd say he probably fled off shore, perhaps to Afghanistan. There are some rumors that he is now masquerading around as Osama Bin Ladin
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| Sep 15 @ 7:53 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ |
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bevrice
Posts: 11,145
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No, hammer, he can be very visible when He chooses. He has can be everywhere and anywhere.
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| Sep 15 @ 7:55 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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Some criminals are brazen and unpredictable
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| Sep 15 @ 8:02 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ |
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bevrice
Posts: 11,145
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STUART HAMBLIN Lol, hammer a recommendation.
http://www.2jesus.org/inspstories/hamblin.html
Back in the 50's there was a well known radio
host/comedian/song writer in Hollywood named
Stuart Hamblin who was noted for his drinking,
womanizing, partying, etc.
One of his bigger hits at the time was
"I won't go hunting with you Jake,
but I'll go chasing women."
One day, along came a young preacher holding
a tent revival. Hamblin had him on his radio show
presumably to poke fun at him.
In order to gather more material for his show,
Hamblin showed up at one of the revival meetings.
Early in the service the preacher announced,
"There is one man in this audience who is a big fake."
There were probably others who thought the same thing,
but Hamblin was convinced that he was the one the preacher
was talking about (some would call that conviction)
but he was having none of that.
Still the words continued to haunt him until a couple
of nights later he showed up drunk at the preacher's
hotel door around 2AM demanding that the preacher
pray for him!
But the preacher refused, saying, "This is between you and God
and I'm not going to get in the middle of it."
But he did invite Stuart in and they talked until
about 5 AM at which point Stuart dropped to his
knees and with tears, cried out to God.
But that is not the end of the story.
Stuart quit drinking, quit chasing women,
quit everything that was 'fun.' Soon he began
to lose favor with the Hollywood crowd.
He was ultimately fired by the radio station when
he refused to accept a beer company as a sponsor.
Hard times were upon him. He tried writing a couple
of "Christian" songs but the only one that had
much success was "This Old House",
written for his friend Rosemary Clooney.
As he continued to struggle, a long time friend
named John took him aside and told him,
"All your troubles started when you 'got religion,'
Was it worth it all?"
Stuart answered simply, "Yes."
Then his friend asked, "You liked your booze so much,
don't you ever miss it?" And his answer was,
"No." John then said, "I don't understand how
you could give it up so easily."
And Stuart's response was, "It's no big secret.
All things are possible with God."
To this John said, "That's a catchy phrase.
You should write a song about it."
And as they say, "The rest is history."
The song Stuart wrote was "It Is No Secret."
"It is no secret what God can do.
What He's done for others, He'll do for you.
With arms wide open, He'll welcome you.
It is no secret, what God can do ..."
By the way ... the friend was John Wayne.
And the young preacher who refused to pray for Stuart Hamblen?
... That was Billy Graham.
Jesus is still in the business of changing lives ...
[Edited on 9/15/2008 8:06 AM]
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| Sep 15 @ 8:05 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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| Sep 15 @ 9:37 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ |
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horizon000
Posts: 924
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Resume’
Jesus H. Christ.
Personal Information
Name. Jesus H. Christ.
Address. No fixed abode.
Date of Birth. 25 – 12 – 0000
Contacts. I live in the heads of millions worldwide. Just talk to the ones rolling on the ground speaking jibber and they will know how to contact me.
Education.
Although I have no formal education, I learnt all I know from my father whom I have never met. I worked with my Step father who taught me the trade of Carpentry.
Hobbies.
Catering for large crowds.
Healing without credentials.
Amateur brewer.
Public Speaking.
Employment.
0012 – 0031 – Carpentry with my Stepfather.
0031 – 0033 – Father’s Self Improvement Network.
0033 – Present – Security Control.
Employment Highlights.
0012 – 0031 – Carpentry with my Stepfather
Results. During this period, I did my apprenticeship with my Stepfather and after completion; I went into the family business. Duties included furniture manufacturing, Structural repair and woodwork in general.
Reason for leaving. To advance my Career.
0031 – 0033 – Father’s Self Improvement Network.
Results. During this period, I set the foundations for one of histories most successful and influential Self help networks. Although the original Framework has been changed dramatically, the current structure has been in place for over 1500 years. The Current framework is popular with dictators and repressors worldwide. It currently has 2 billion members and generates billions in tax free dollars annually.
Reason for leaving. Management restructure and subsequent crucifixion.
0033 – Present – Security Control.
Results. For the past two millennium, I have maintained security operations in the kingdom of my father. Duties include screening of potential candidates and removal of unsuitable applicants.
Reason for leaving. Pre – arranged second coming.
In Summery
I believe that I can be an asset to any organisation and believe that I can add value to it. I require no training, first aid certification or catering accreditations. Although I cannot prove that I actually exist or have ever existed, have any qualifications or have ever performed a miracle, all this information has to be taken on face value and believed without question.
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| Sep 15 @ 2:35 PM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ
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beckyiv42000
Posts: 12,035
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| Sep 15 @ 8:28 PM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ |
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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I wonder if Jesus is on unemployment insurance. Perhaps he can also get on disability too.
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| Sep 16 @ 12:09 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ
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horizon000
Posts: 924
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Well, you couldn't employ him as a cashier or a checkout chick. The change would keep falling through his hands.
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| Sep 16 @ 8:28 AM |
The Resume of Jesus Christ |
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hammertime
Posts: 14,071
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Maybe he can wear rubble gloves like the toll booth collectors or just use a credit card.
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