| Aug 30 @ 1:35 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 13,642
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since some posters think that "bantering" is fun....  
I thought I would post this tutorial for them...
[QUOTE]Tuesday, March 8, 2005 Update by Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
This person is angry on the Internet. This is what I look like every morning I open my email client, except I have much sexier boobs.
People often write me lengthy, complex, completely misspelled emails informing me in graphic detail exactly how much I suck. Sometimes these messages contain explicit drawings depicting the various ways I fail to meet even basic expectations of a [redacted] janitor, while others compare my writing style to the prose etched into Taco Bell bathroom walls. Flame emails represent the greatest benefit of working on the Internet; within seconds of expressing your thoughts or opinions on your own free website, the average Internet user will receive anywhere between 100 and 1,000 flame emails comparing him to a particularly revolting strain of bacteria living in a certain barnyard animal's anus. Most seasoned newspaper and television reporters often quit the industry for Internet reporting jobs, just to take advantage of this useful free feature. Not many people know this, but the whole reason Dan Rather retired from CBS was so he could open his own website, "DAN RATHER'S AWESOME PICS AND SHIT" which currently features a series of clips depicting him skateboarding off his deck and throwing rotten fruit at a street sign while choice selections from "A Perfect Circle" blares in the background.
I try to view flame mail as a useful service; if I never checked my email, how else would I be aware of how much I suck? I mean, my mother isn't going to call me up and start screaming, "hey Rich, you like to have sex with dogs because you're dumb and gay and you have the intelligence of a charcoal briquette," although that's partially because she knows it's impossible for me to pick up the phone while having sex with my dogs. Unfortunately, some folks don't appreciate the Internet's quick and effortless ability to distribute obscene, curse-filled diatribes to anybody within seconds. These people, upon discovering somebody's rather negative opinion of them, react furiously and begin a counterattack which they believe will surely set their aggressor straight. Of course this seldom works, as the average Internet flame war lasts roughly 14 years and sometimes spans multiple generations of users. Do you remember the infamous, bloody Hatfields and McCoys feud? That whole thing was started when Staton Hatfield sent an AIM message to Sam McCoy saying, "Y DID U STEAL MY HOG LOL???"
If you're itching for a confrontation and possess both the time and patience to debate one of the countless Internet denizens lacking any semblance of a life, feel free to consult the following handy guide to winning any Internet argument ever. Following these simple, easy steps will solidify your position in the Internet Hall of Debating Fame, which is currently just a Post-It note stuck to the bottom of a E.L. Fudge package in Toledo, Ohio basement.
1) NEVER DEFEND YOUR OWN POINTS. Don't forget this monumental Internet argument cornerstone even if you fall down a well and get amnesia and learn you're pregnant with your mother's son's evil twin. Never, under any circumstance, attempt to defend what you've said; just attack the other person's argument over and over and over until one of you dies of old age or some legislative branch agrees to shut down the Internet forever. Defending yourself or your argument is a weak act of desperation which informs your enemy that you're completely open to attack. The grizzled Internet debater will never address the validity of their previous claims, instead opting to forge ahead and stay on the offensive despite any erroneous or outright false statements they said in the past, effectively keeping the enemy on their toes. You should view Internet arguments as a really crummy fighting game: only the utter idiots bother pressing the "block / defend" button. While your enemy cowers in a corner with their arms raised above their face to futilely protect them, real men pull off complex 408-move combos that involve transforming into a fiery phoenix of doom and releasing unrelenting waves of liquid napalm Satan clown death upon them.
EXAMPLE ARGUMENT:
FLAME: hey fag i read ur article abotu ford cars and I just wanna let u know ur stupid and dont know nothing about cars cuz CHEVY IS THE BEST CAR MAKER IN THE WORLD!!!!
INCORRECT RESPONSE: No, I firmly believe what I wrote is correct, Ford automobiles have excelled in both price and safety over the past few years, which is why I feel they are the superior choice when purchasing a new car.
CORRECT RESPONSE: uhhhhhhh no, you're wrong and stupid and dumb and u dont know what ur talking about so maybe u should get off the internet and instead go kiss a elf cuz ur dumb as a fool!!!
EVER BETTER RESPONSE: I'M GUNNA KILL YOU WITH MY DESERT EAGLE!!!
Oh look, a young Conan O' Brien is using the Internet to research how to use the mouse correctly.
2) CLAIM YOU WORK IN WHATEVER FIELD YOU'RE ARGUING ABOUT. If you find yourself discussing anime, say you're an animator who works for some Japanese company that manufactures games about nipples. If somebody begins complaining about web design, tell them you're a professional web designer who has completed projects for large conglomerates such as Coca Cola and Macromedia and the moon. If you're
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| Aug 30 @ 1:36 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 13,642
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2) CLAIM YOU WORK IN WHATEVER FIELD YOU'RE ARGUING ABOUT. If you find yourself discussing anime, say you're an animator who works for some Japanese company that manufactures games about nipples. If somebody begins complaining about web design, tell them you're a professional web designer who has completed projects for large conglomerates such as Coca Cola and Macromedia and the moon. If you're arguing about World War II and the political ramifications of Asia's isolation sentiment, declare you're the President of Asia. There is no subject that you, the professional, does not know about thanks to your extensive work in the field of, well, whatever you're arguing. It doesn't matter if all your firsthand knowledge of the subject derives from half an episode of "Pokemon" you overheard while cleaning your cat's litter, the magic of the Internet allows you to have gained real-life experience of any given subject in any given industry at any given time!
EXAMPLE ARGUMENT:
FLAME: how dare u say that abortion should be legal! WTF is wrong with u?! abortion should be outlawed and if you kill a baby then the president should kill u for being a murderar becuz tiny babys are just like litle ppl and ur a muderer!!!
INCORRECT RESPONSE: Well I may just be a single mother, but I still think abortion is a woman's choice, not the government's.
CORRECT REPONSE: Well I may just be an aborted fetus, but I still think abortion is a woman's choice, not the government's.
3) IF LOSING AN ARGUMENT, FEIGN FRUSTRATION AND THEN CLAIM YOU'RE BLOCKING THE PERSON. Every person on the Internet harbors a secret fear of having their communications blocked by somebody, particularly when they're devastating that person in an argument. If you ever make a critical mistake and discover you cannot match either the intensity or intelligence of the person whom you're facing up against, simply descend into a spiral of frustration, one ending with a curt goodbye and notice that this person will never, ever, ever, ever be able to contact you again because you are putting them on your fabled ignore list of doom. Tell them in explicit, concrete terms you're absolutely fed up with their idiocy and simply cannot bear to read another word of their text, and if you somehow accidentally receive another communication from them, your head will explode and shower the surrounding tri-metro area with fragments of your brain atoms. The announcement of your impending communications blockade serves as a true trump card, one capable of not only ending the argument, but additionally declaring you the winner because there's no possible way for your opponent to get the last word, and as everybody on the Internet knows, the only way to win an argument is to get the final word!
EXAMPLE ARGUMENT:
FLAME: i cant believe u said that president clinton was the 16th president, tahts wrong, he was the 42nd president you damn ideiot, and i should know cuz my dad worked in the ovale office last year and he's in the social security which protext the president from terrists
INCORRECT RESPONSE: Upon completing some rudimentary research, I have reached the conclusion that you are correct and I was wrong! My apologies, dear sir, and thank you for revealing truth to me!
CORRECT RESPONSE: GOD THIS IS SO POINTLESS!!! listen I am sick of saying this over and over, you obviously r to stupid to understand even BASIC ENGLITSH and Im getting sick of your dumb emails so I'm blocking u once and for all GOODBYE DUMB ASS! DONT BOTHER EMAILING ME CUZ I WONT GET IT, WELCOME TO IGNORESVILLE POPULATION: YOU, HOPE U LIKE TALKING TO A BLOCK LIST HAHAHAHAHA.
Welcome to the Hitlernet!
4) AT SOME POINT IN TIME, CLAIM THE OTHER PERSON IS A NAZI. Every, and I repeat EVERY Internet argument should involve at least one comparison to either Hitler or the Nazis. This is one of the most basic requirements of an average Internet debate, and although ignorant outsiders may find it silly to compare a person arguing on the Internet with an individual responsible for the execution of millions, this action represents one of the most traditional pillars of every online debate. The earliest recorded instance of the infamous "Nazi clause" can be traced to Greg "suprsk8r" Henderson, who used Q-Link in July of 1986 to call Alex "Dr_Millions" Wilson "the Adolf Hitler of preseason NCAA fantasy league basketball" over People Connection.
FLAME: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no i dont think taht GI Joe could beat the Transformers in a battle cuz Optomus prime would like totally kill the shit out of duke and waht do u know about anything anyway u reteard
INCORRECT RESPONSE: Dear Internet cur, I'll have you know that your churlish actions and replies reek of an insolent ignoramus! Why, upon reading your cretinous claim, I let out a mighty scoff and nearly choked upon my brandy!
CORRECT RESPONSE: FUK U HITLER!!!
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| Aug 30 @ 1:37 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 13,642
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Please, ladies and gentlemen: friends don't let friends argue on the Internet. But if you discover the irresistible urge to strike back against somebody who insulted your intelligence on the Internet, a medium which rewards those with insulting intelligence, please use this guide to your advantage and thoroughly decimate anybody foolhardy enough to challenge your online prowess. After all, I am a professional webmaster and I'll block your email if you think otherwise, YOU DUMB ASS.[QUOTE]
does anyone "win" when people go on tangents....attacking the poster and not the post??
I admit..sometimes it it tooo easy to throw in a barb or four.. while debating an issue... but to only post.. to post an attack on a poster....is kind of... grade school....
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| Aug 30 @ 1:46 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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SensualGemini
Posts: 6,858
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GH: I admit..sometimes it it tooo easy to throw in a barb or four.. while debating an issue... but to only post.. to post an attack on a poster....is kind of... grade school....
...Oh my, I am going to have to apologize to Knots for saying he was passive/aggressive, as I think the OP just took the 
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| Aug 30 @ 1:49 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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Gallows_Humor
Posts: 13,642
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case in point.....
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| Aug 30 @ 2:07 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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SweetNapaGuy
Posts: 8,471
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What can we say? SG gets his jollies being an internet badass. I suppose he has to "act nice" in the real world, so he enjoys being able to release his "inner asshole" on the internet.
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| Aug 30 @ 5:06 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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arieann
Posts: 2,071
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Just have fun on the internet. And make friends.
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| Aug 30 @ 6:00 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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MotownManiax
Posts: 9,737
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In anything having to do with politics and religion that's a tall order, Ari. 
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| Aug 30 @ 7:10 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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Jankia
Posts: 11,892
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Until technology gets to the advanced stages that allow us to efficiently use the ole Mossberg online,arguments will never be won over the internet.
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| Aug 30 @ 7:54 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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musicianfriend
Posts: 2,269
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he enjoys being able to release his "inner asshole" on the internet.
People get tired of putting their time and energy in their posts...only to be slandered...minimulized...called delusional...or mentally unbalanced....by the people who actually act that way....they never address the subject of the matter..but continually come in and attack the poster..which is actually against the rules..but Im pretty much opposed to being a 'tattletale..' unless there is extreme abuse... Its so grade school...
Sometimes...when one gets the best of the other..the 'other' goes and tattles to the moderator and gets the post shut down for a bit...and the well deserved humiliating remarks are struck from the record...to decrease his humiliation...cracks me up when that happens...lol
and the post is never addressed....just personal attacks...
its childish..to do such a thing...
Even if you dont like what is posted...address that...the issue of the post..instead of 2nd grade attacks on the poster..calling names.
This has been my complaint forever.....
I have been guilty of loosing my temper and biting back at times..Im human..and Im usally outnumbered...especially since this summer many conservatives have now left due to the bull that goes on here..Personally I like to debate the issues... prefer to just stick to the facts..and avoid the childish exchanges.
Another complaint .....when one puts time and effort into a post.....its irritating to have the 'thread ganstas' come in there and start talking about their dates....their dogs...a funny tv show...and never ever talk about the actual post....then the moderator comes in and closed the thread..due to being off topic...
This is another tactic of 'thread ganstas'......
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| Aug 30 @ 8:26 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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SweetNapaGuy
Posts: 8,471
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People get tired of putting their time and energy in their posts...only to be slandered
Let me see if I understand this. What you've posted has been your best effort? Borrowing greedily from various blogs around the internet, studiously ignoring any data that contradicts your predetermined conclusions, and tossing in everything but the kitchen sink?
I'm sorry. I just figured you were ranting a lot. I didn't realize that that was the best you could do...
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| Aug 30 @ 8:37 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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CowboyX
Posts: 613
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Don't you remember, SNG? She's "in a hurry". She doesn't have time to sift through all the information, condense and organize it. She's too busy trying to save her country.
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| Aug 30 @ 8:44 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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MrPaul
Posts: 1,613
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How about NOT have a argument on the internet..............Live and let live   
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| Aug 30 @ 9:13 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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CowboyX
Posts: 613
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^^^ Look who's talking, the #1 hit-and-run poster on the politics forums!
I'm still waiting for a response to the last 3 challenges I made to you... 
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| Aug 30 @ 9:16 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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MrPaul
Posts: 1,613
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I'm still waiting for a response to last 3 challenges I made to you Sorry I dont play with the schoolyard bullies  But best of luck to ya 
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| Aug 30 @ 9:22 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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CowboyX
Posts: 613
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Thank you for proving just how chicken shit you are.
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| Aug 30 @ 9:34 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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BandTMom
Posts: 38,041
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*cough*
How about giving it a rest, Cowboy. You're main contributions to the forums is correcting people's spelling and grammar while making the same mistakes yourself.
Ari is right...have fun and make friends.
Mr Paul is right...don't argue. BUT.......as long as we have people jumping up your  for just expressing an opinion (which is what these forums are for), there will always be arguments.
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| Aug 30 @ 9:44 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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CowboyX
Posts: 613
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You're main contributions to the forums is correcting people's spelling and grammar while making the same mistakes yourself.
Oh, the irony...
It's because of posts like yours that make correcting spelling, grammar, punctuation, and similar errors about the only worthwhile thing to post on the forums. It's not like actual discussions take place here.
If you care to review my past messages (which I doubt you will), you will see that I have challenged Paul at least 3 times regarding his posts (which did not include his spelling, grammar or punctuation).
don't argue. BUT.......as long as we have people jumping up your for just expressing an opinion (which is what these forums are for), there will always be arguments.
Seems reasonable, yet overly simplistic. You could say the same thing about many other phenomena in life. It is a good philosophy, yet one that has no bearing on or connection with reality.
You're main contributions to the forums is correcting people's spelling and grammar while making the same mistakes yourself.
Like others that have attempted to make this point, you fail to discern the difference between actual errors (e.g., typos) and ignorance.
Typing "somehing" as opposed to "something" is a typo.
Repeatedly typing the the word as "somehing" in multiple threads indicates that the poster can't spell the word correctly. Moreover, use of the contraction "you're" instead of the word "your" is an understandable mistake. Yet, if the pattern repeats itself, it would suggest that the poster does not understand the difference between the homonyms "you're" & "your".
I make fun of those who continually make such errors, for if one exhibits signs of having less than a high school education (or even junior high), it is ludicrous for them to be taken seriously in a political discussion.
I hope you've had a great weekend, and best wishes,
[edit]
Posted less then 1 hour ago by MF in response to my comment:
no writting skills...no comprehension skills...
My response:
Yeah, sorry MF, you've got me. I don't have any writting skills. 
I rest my case.
[Edited on 8/30/2009 10:44 PM]
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| Aug 30 @ 10:41 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet
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MrPaul
Posts: 1,613
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Run Mom he wants your lunch money
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| Aug 30 @ 10:55 PM |
How to Win Any Argument On the Internet |
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CowboyX
Posts: 613
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I'm sorry, Paul, I forgot that you're a troll. I'll make myself a note of it so I don't feed the trolls in the future.
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