| May 8, 2006 @ 12:58 AM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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I_Met_Celine
Posts: 2
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This is The Question...Basically try to imagine that you have been chatting online here with this person who seems perfectly "normal" and you have met with them and have been going out for about a month (and to you that person looks like any other person) and after that first month they tell you they are "disabled" and "unabled to work" because of it and therefore recieve a disability income. Would you continue to date them knowing that your month with them has been Great or would you leave? (Please Answer Honestly)
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| May 8, 2006 @ 2:39 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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Atone74
Posts: 335
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What kind of disability?
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| May 8, 2006 @ 3:40 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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HarleysB_WV
Posts: 860
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First I would suggest that you do some research on this person's disability. Educate yourself about it and then decide if it is something that you personally can live with or cope with as well as offer support. If you had a great month with this person then perhaps their disability isn't a good reason to stop seeing them. Maybe take it one day at a time with this person and see where it goes. If nothing else, it's very possible that you've met a really good friend if not future partner. Good luck to you!! 
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| May 8, 2006 @ 6:37 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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altogirl67
Posts: 1,309
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Honestly, I'm looking for someone to do activities with as well as have a relationship with. I love to ride my bike, go hiking, cliff jumping, etc. So, my answer would have to be that I would not date him.
In fact, I chatted with a guy on another site not long ago. He's cute and seems really sweet but finally confessed that he is on disability. He looks "normal" as well, except for a few pounds. He hurt his back at work and has had some major surgery, including the removal of some of the lowest vertebrae. He also confessed that he recently weighed a rather large amount and is currently on the Atkins diet trying to lose it, has had a stint put in his heart, and is a diabetic. The guy is only 40! I'm very sorry for everything he has gone through but I want a guy who can keep up with me activity-wise and won't die before he's 50. I feel kind of bad saying this but it's how I feel. I've tried hard to take good care of myself and preserve my health, and I want someone who has done the same. I know accidents happen and I have been fortunate. But I really want someone who is healthy.
Plus, I think this guy should have been upfront with you about this from the beginning. This is huge and very important.
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| May 8, 2006 @ 10:25 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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HarleysB_WV
Posts: 860
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Plus, I think this guy should have been upfront with you about this from the beginning. This is huge and very important.
I agree with you alto. He really should have been upfront about his disability. Maybe not so much that he is ON disability, but something along the lines of "physical activities are limited". I am classifed as "disabled" but do not receive any disability checks. I agree though that informing someone of a limiting disability is critical from the very start. 
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| May 8, 2006 @ 10:44 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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Jankia
Posts: 11,914
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In not knowing his disability but knowing that he claims that he cannot work because of it and collects disability income,he sounds lazy.I'm not saying that he is because I dont know his problem but it just sounds that way to me.I was diagnosed with a 30% permanent disability myself due to a still broken and cannot be fixed collarbone.Its like what you said,nobody would know it by looking at me.I dont collect disability any longer because of a lawsuit that I won in the matter but,I can still build decks and weld bank vaults etc.
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| May 8, 2006 @ 10:45 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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altogirl67
Posts: 1,309
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Thanks Harley. I hope your disability improves with time... 
I was in a serious car accident 7 years ago. Some inattentive driver ran a red light and hit me so hard, my van flipped. My neck is curved the opposite of the way it should be (though you can't tell by looking). I still have muscle spasms in my upper back and have to take muscle relaxers sometimes. I had surgery on my hand, elbow and both shoulders along with years of physical therapy. When I go camping, I have to take the air mattress instead of the sleeping bag. I had to switch from the more aerodynamic "10-speed" type bike to a bike where I sit more vertically. There are times, especially when stressed, when the tension causes a lot of trouble with my upper back and neck and causes extreme headaches. I've learned to deal with it and don't really think about it much. I do pretty well and even though I don't consider myself disabled, I am upfront with guys before I even go out with them. I think it's important because it affects how I have to live sometimes and if I'm dating someone I know it will affect them as well. I don't make a big deal out of it but I do let them know in the course of conversation.
Honesty really is the key no matter what the subject, right? If anyone is afraid to tell a potential date any particular details out of fear of them not going on the date, then those are exactly the details you darn well better share. Just my opinion.
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| May 9, 2006 @ 12:03 AM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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Ciao_Baby
Posts: 8
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In terms of the type of disability - Lets say that this person had more than one. I had one person tell me that they had a seizure disorder (not well controlled - however, they don't get convulsions just the small ones and they cannot drive as a result), they have some type of chronic musco-skeletal injury on the chest which restricts their bending and lifting, and they have tennis elbow and a personality disorder which they are looking at getting help for. They said they are Not mental they just see things more in "black and white" than others. Because of all these issues - which were all "hidden" they are "unable to work" and they collect a disability income. If you were me would you still continue to pursue this person as a possible relationship? How would you handle this? Thanks. (Honest Answers Only Please)
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| May 9, 2006 @ 12:05 AM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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altogirl67
Posts: 1,309
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Ciao_Baby, honestly, I think if you pursue this, you're asking for trouble... just too much going on there.
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| May 9, 2006 @ 10:25 AM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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HarleysB_WV
Posts: 860
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and a personality disorder which they are looking at getting help for. They said they are Not mental they just see things more in "black and white" than others.
That statement alone would be enough to make me run and run fast. I myself, have a personality disorder. I also used to see things as black and white and no shades of gray were possible. Then I started getting treatment. Medication, counseling, etc. I will never be able to hold down a regular job outside of my home, but I refuse to draw disability income. I work from home at my own pace and schedule and it works well for me. If this person you are seeing has a mental disorder and isn't getting help right now, then you are well advised to step back. At least until they are receiving treatment and learning how to deal aggressively with that particular problem.
As for the rest of it. It's like alto said. There's just TOO much going on there. Personally I know I couldn't handle all that.
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| Jun 29, 2006 @ 1:55 AM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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brian2005
Posts: 50
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By telling someone you have a disability means automatic rejection regardless of what the disability is. Unfortunately, I have been on the other end of this topic. What people fail to realize is that no one is in every since "healthy". Everyone has something affecting them. Some don't realize it, and the ones who truly are healthy will eventually have some sort of disability anyways. I have no ill will towards any of you, but I think you all should be ashamed. I'm on disability, and I have a condition called Asberger Syndrome. In every situation where I tell people about this, no good have ever come out of it. But I really don't care anymore.
Brian
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| Jun 29, 2006 @ 2:08 AM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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altogirl67
Posts: 1,309
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Brian, I appreicate your opinion but I don't think that anyone who has posted on this thread should be ashamed of themselves. We simply know what we want/need and what we are able to handle. It's only fair to be upfront about who we are and what our challenges are. Picture this for just a moment... Suppose you were talking to a girl online and she has an absolutely BEAUTIFUL picture posted. Or suppose she has no photograph on her profile at all. Suppose you set up a date and you anxiously get rush to meet her only to find out that she she has a moustache thicker than yours, is missing three of her front teeth, weighs 640 pounds, and has herpes. Would this lack of information affect how you feel about her? I'd bet the farm that it would simply because certain attributes will (whether we like it or not) affect the relationship we have with that person. I have dated guys who preferred skinny women and it didn't work out because of my particular body build. Shallow? Maybe. But we all have physical preferences as well as personality and other preferences but we should not be punished or judged for having those preferences. Honesty IS the best policy in these situations. It truly is and it's dishonest to leave out information that you know the other person may not be able to handle. Do you really want to begin a relationship with someone and keep information a secret that you know they should have? Not a good way to start out, for sure.
I do wish you luck in your endeavors. I have an undergraduate degree in communication disorders and am very familiar with Asperger's and I'm sorry for what you've gone through because of it. It's challenging, I know, but it is possible to live a rather normal life with it. I do hope you find the woman of your dreams! I have faith that she's out there!
[Edited on 6
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| Jun 29, 2006 @ 2:59 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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HarleysB_WV
Posts: 860
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I have no ill will towards any of you, but I think you all should be ashamed.
Sorry you feel that way Brian. I don't feel at all ashamed of anything I've said or how I feel regarding people with disabilities. Sorry you got so offended. I certainly did not say that I would NEVER date a person with a disability nor did I say they were bad people. I also mentioned that I have a disability. Hmmm.. Perhaps you missed that part. But truth be told, the guy that ciao was asking about, lied to her. That is certainly NOT something for ME to be ashamed of. I also gave her some very sound advice. Again, sorry you didn't get what was actually said.
Best of luck Brian. I hope you find what you're looking for!!
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| Jul 4, 2006 @ 2:49 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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tesol_teach
Posts: 10
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I'm not on disability. I am quite disabled and am in constant daily pain. But if you look at me. You can't tell. I think people should be up front about every aspect of their life. I posted exactly what's wrong with my back on my profile. I think honesty is the best and only policy.
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| Jul 18, 2006 @ 8:03 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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Bj864
Posts: 3,970
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I think Brian is speaking from experience.
My son is 40. He has MS. He looks absolutely normal. He is a good looking guy. He has a great personality and can do most anything he wants to. As soon as he tells a potential romantic partner he has MS, its pretty much over, even though he is in remission.
I also have health issues. Even though I have down that I am looking for a friend, most of the guys that reply to me want to know immediate details about my problems.
Personally, I think this is very shallow behaviour. Most of the people on this forum will eventually have health issues. To discount a person, especially as a friend, because they are disabled, is pretty sad.
Also, I think calling a disabled person "lazy" when you actually know very little about them is sad too. Judgements are easy to make, but you can't judge a book by its cover.
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| Jul 28, 2006 @ 11:35 AM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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jamminjerry
Posts: 4,085
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hmmm, jul 18th. not a great deal of interest in this thread, i wonder why? perhaps the smiley with the dual personality can enlighten me? i am only responding to the request that you make me smile! and you have. but, now you tickle my mind, i was hoping that you would just wander about, asking questions. now i have to contend with not only one mind but 2!! oh well, at least one of them is tall!
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| Jul 28, 2006 @ 4:17 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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HarleysB_WV
Posts: 860
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Well Jerry, you'll find that discussing "mental" impairments of any kind is still pretty much a taboo subject. Mainly because most people are not as educated on it as they would like to think. Whenever the word "mental" is brought up, a lot of people automatically associate it with "BAD" things. Not their fault I suppose, since a lot were raised with that particular mindset. I used to avoid all "Mental" conversations and people until I myself was diagnosed. Now that I've educated myself on different aspects of having a mental disability, I can discuss it openly and honestly. It's truly a shame that more people can't/won't do the same. I know I am a good person and truly do not need anyone else to validate what I think or how I feel. And my intelligence level (though not always shown here on the forums) would absolutely astound some people!! 
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| Jul 28, 2006 @ 6:09 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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jamminjerry
Posts: 4,085
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how about you and you and i keep this thread going! most fellas have wondered what it would be like to be with 2 women, unless the other person you refer to is a dude!! NOOO! i almost typed some feelings, but, most folks take feeling the wrong way. so, are you and you and me gonna meet in the middle maybe?
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| Jul 28, 2006 @ 8:17 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person
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altogirl67
Posts: 1,309
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Huh? 
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| Jul 28, 2006 @ 10:25 PM |
Dating A Disabled Person |
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HarleysB_WV
Posts: 860
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most fellas have wondered what it would be like to be with 2 women,
First off Jerry, there is only ONE of me. I am bi-polar. I have a "personality disorder" but that does not mean that I have a Multiple personality or a Split personality or a Dual personality. I do NOT turn into some "other personality". This is where educating people about different types of mental disorders comes in. Bi-polar (a VERY simplisitc explanation) is different levels of emotions. Extreme uphoria to extreme anger. Extreme anger to extreme depression. It can happen with any variation of emotions. At no time do I "turn into someone else". If I don't like something when I'm happy, I still don't like it when I am angry, nor when I am depressed. Hopefully that helps you to understand what I mean.
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